I am exhausted tonight. I am often tired but this is that bone deep, gritty-eyed, unable to listen to one more rendition of Rudolph in the car without totally losing my stick kind of tired. There's a lot of guilt that goes with this tired - it shortens my fuse, removes my patience, dulls my reason and blunts my compassion.
The really pathetic part is that, at least in part, it's my fault. Our work-week tends to start slow(er) and pick up the pace as the week rushes on. By Friday, the endless hours spent waiting for children at the barn and the rink, the wonderful but sleep depriving hours spent in fellowship and the lack of time to just be in my skin and listening for God have totally wiped me out. On Monday, I did my daily walk at lunchtime with the iPod off and then, when I turned it on at the end of the walk, I listened to lectio divina (a post for another day). It helped me to listen for God and to actually feel a call to do something. By today, I was listening to mindless stuff and just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. There was no time or energy for listening, just the desire to dull my mind to coast through the day.
That, in itself, is a lesson. If I'm too tired to listen for God during this season of listening and preparing, something is horribly wrong. I don't actually pretend to have an answer but I think it's time to start looking for one. Is it that I need to say no? Is it that I need to sleep less and meditate more? Is it that I need to find a way to carve out a bit more quiet time?
Honestly, I don't know but I need to find the answer because I know this pace is taking years off my life.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Advent 5
I'm late with this post but it was for a great reason! We have a Thursday night Bible study group with a few women from my church. It's a really small group (my favourite way of doing things - too many people and my introvert heart starts to quake and I worry I've said something stupid). We are doing a Beth Moore Study (Breaking Free) and it's time each week that I treasure. It is so important to me that I have a chance to connect with other moms, especially when it's other moms with kids of similar ages and values that are similar to mine. It's so important that we have time with other Christian women on our journey. I am not, in any way, saying that we ONLY have Christian friends - if I'm totally honest, with a couple of exceptions, all of my closest friends are actually not Christians. That's o.k. with me because funnily enough, my non-Christian friends share many of the same values as I do and are people who are all about loving and fairness and compassion and kindness and justice. Our reasons for it are just a bit different.
I do have to say, though, that I really feel that God has been reminding me of the importance of having fellowship with other believers sometimes. I didn't have much of that growing up - we tended to be in mainline churches with few kids and I never had Christian friends at school. It was rather lonely and while I ended up with incredible friends who were respectful of my faith, we weren't on the same journey. I always felt a bit of a gap in my life, a need to have support and mentorship from women of faith that I could lean on when I was feeling lost. Miraculously, God has planted us in a place where I have so much of that and I can't express how much that has changed my life. I can sit with people and talk about struggles and challenges of parenting as a Christian parent - balancing faith and believe with respect for others, the ongoing fight against the worst of the world (e.g., greed, materialism, the message to our girls that their sole value is as an object of use for men) and how to allow our kids to have freedom to learn and make mistakes while also shielding them from things they are not ready to battle. I always stay too late on Thursdays and Fridays at school as I teach, I'm relying heavily on caffeine to get me through but it is with a smile on my face!
I feel as though God has been impressing upon me the importance of having fellowship (and of our need to work to ensure that opportunities for fellowship happen). That's something that I don't want to forget in the busyness of my daily life.
I do have to say, though, that I really feel that God has been reminding me of the importance of having fellowship with other believers sometimes. I didn't have much of that growing up - we tended to be in mainline churches with few kids and I never had Christian friends at school. It was rather lonely and while I ended up with incredible friends who were respectful of my faith, we weren't on the same journey. I always felt a bit of a gap in my life, a need to have support and mentorship from women of faith that I could lean on when I was feeling lost. Miraculously, God has planted us in a place where I have so much of that and I can't express how much that has changed my life. I can sit with people and talk about struggles and challenges of parenting as a Christian parent - balancing faith and believe with respect for others, the ongoing fight against the worst of the world (e.g., greed, materialism, the message to our girls that their sole value is as an object of use for men) and how to allow our kids to have freedom to learn and make mistakes while also shielding them from things they are not ready to battle. I always stay too late on Thursdays and Fridays at school as I teach, I'm relying heavily on caffeine to get me through but it is with a smile on my face!
I feel as though God has been impressing upon me the importance of having fellowship (and of our need to work to ensure that opportunities for fellowship happen). That's something that I don't want to forget in the busyness of my daily life.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Yarn Along
I haven't been present in the Yarn Along for a while and I have missed it so much. I love visiting with Ginny and all of the wonderful knitters/readers who share some much inspiration. Since blogging has been one of my aims for this Advent season, I thought I might try to add in my Yarn Along post as well and even try to visit other people's posts, too!
This fall, my reading has been all over the place. I have had six or seven books on the go at once and I have bounced from book to book like a basketball. It's great for my interests but it's terrible for actually finishing anything.
First of all, in terms of fiction, I have been reading The Small Rain by Madeleine L'Engle. She is one of my favourite authors and I have loved her work since I was in my teens. I have made it my goal to start buying her adult novels and to read through and collect. So far, this book has not disappointed! It's definitely a book of a time and place and clearly has several elements of L'Engle's own life.
In terms of faith, I have been meandering through An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor. I think I can be forgiven for taking this one slowly. In it, she outlines different spiritual practices that can bring you closer to God. Rather than read it through all at once, I read a chapter or two a week and see what it has that I can bring to my daily life. I find her so readable and this book has been really inspiring.
My latest non-fiction read is not exactly a light read and has been pretty challenging to me at times, The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. I am not altogether sure how to understand some of the long term issues of crime and poverty and the relationship to the justice system for certain groups. This exploration of race and the American justice system has been challenging but has also laid out the number of challenges faced by certain minorities in the U.S. I don't know how families cope or how, as a mother, you could stay sane sending your child out into that world.
Finally, a friend lent me Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. I have been hearing so much about her from other people with similar tastes to mine. While I am not really a writer, there is something about her style that is really speaking to me.
My knitting has been fairly boring of late because I am in hard-core Christmas mode. The orange hat came after I had to make my son several hats - he had lost all of his and I needed several to have ready as we ran out to the school bus each morning. After I finished his, I read about the 25 000 toques project in which someone is organizing to ask knitters to knit a hat for each of the 25 000 Syrian refugees who will be coming to Canada in the next several months. Each volunteer knitter is asked to write a letter of welcome to Canada to be given with the hat. I LOVED the idea and couldn't wait to get started. Now, I just have to get myself motivated to actually mail it. My dad saw my son's hat and wanted one, too and he wanted one in "that aran wool you use" so cross your fingers for me that I can be disciplined and get it done for his birthday next week. It's a quick pattern but my knitting happens in such fits and starts these days.
Advent Day 4 - A Great Gift
Today was one of those days that I started the day feeling frustrated. We had a very stressful day at work yesterday and today wasn't much better. As I drove home, I was feeling like all I wanted to do was to go home and crawl into bed until tomorrow. I didn't know how I was going to make it through all of the rest of the day.
My first job was to walk the dogs. Often, I take them for a run in the forest (at least, that's been my practice this fall). Unfortunately, with the dark coming so early these days, it has gotten to be dark so early that the dogs and I have had a couple of very stressful walks in a "just shy of dark" stage of dusk. Luckily, the dogs are white but I spend time praying that we won't meet any curious night creatures who may not be overly friendly. I decide that I would message my friend who has a farm and ask whether the dogs and I could walk there. She was thrilled. As I drove into the farm, I was dying to vent to someone about the frustrations of my day. By the time I drove out of the farm, I was smiling, making some Christmas plans and excited about life again. It had been one of those times when I really connected with a good friend and it took me outside of myself and my own problems.
This evening, after supper, I ran to drop the kids off at Awana. K, a friend of mine, is the greeter in the lobby. We ended up chatting about some frustrations she is having at work and as I drove away from the church, I found myself excited about the idea of getting her a little treat to pop into the courier at work to give her a little surprise. I was smiling even more.
I drove from there to my Wednesday night prayer and book study group. I LOVE these women and yet again, I had reminders over and over again that there are other members of my faith tribe, even if we don't go to the same churches. I left feeling refreshed, excited about my faith and most of all, connected.
That's the message today - to get outside of myself, especially when I am brooding, and enjoy the company of the many amazing people that I have been blessed to have in my life. When I count my riches, the people around me and the good friends that I may not have in my immediate vicinity but who I know are out there are definitely my greatest asset. God has blessed me with these riches and I need to be sure that I don't forget that. Advent can be a time for me that I remember - I remember to take time for these people, to listen, to help and to savour the time I have with them.
My first job was to walk the dogs. Often, I take them for a run in the forest (at least, that's been my practice this fall). Unfortunately, with the dark coming so early these days, it has gotten to be dark so early that the dogs and I have had a couple of very stressful walks in a "just shy of dark" stage of dusk. Luckily, the dogs are white but I spend time praying that we won't meet any curious night creatures who may not be overly friendly. I decide that I would message my friend who has a farm and ask whether the dogs and I could walk there. She was thrilled. As I drove into the farm, I was dying to vent to someone about the frustrations of my day. By the time I drove out of the farm, I was smiling, making some Christmas plans and excited about life again. It had been one of those times when I really connected with a good friend and it took me outside of myself and my own problems.
This evening, after supper, I ran to drop the kids off at Awana. K, a friend of mine, is the greeter in the lobby. We ended up chatting about some frustrations she is having at work and as I drove away from the church, I found myself excited about the idea of getting her a little treat to pop into the courier at work to give her a little surprise. I was smiling even more.
I drove from there to my Wednesday night prayer and book study group. I LOVE these women and yet again, I had reminders over and over again that there are other members of my faith tribe, even if we don't go to the same churches. I left feeling refreshed, excited about my faith and most of all, connected.
That's the message today - to get outside of myself, especially when I am brooding, and enjoy the company of the many amazing people that I have been blessed to have in my life. When I count my riches, the people around me and the good friends that I may not have in my immediate vicinity but who I know are out there are definitely my greatest asset. God has blessed me with these riches and I need to be sure that I don't forget that. Advent can be a time for me that I remember - I remember to take time for these people, to listen, to help and to savour the time I have with them.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Advent 3 - A Bit of Tough Love
I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I don't really know why but very quickly, I was finding everything annoying and I was grouchy. Then, I made the mistake of turning on the news. I'm a CBC-ophile and the news this morning featured a very upsetting story that the news division was having to close comments on any story about aboriginal issues because there were so many and such severe racist comments being posted. I rapidly shifted from grouchy to righteously indignant and more than a bit sad.
I wrote a scathing Facebook post and then, brooded my way to work, thinking of a couple of people I know on Facebook who have said some things that I find HIGHLY offensive. During our election and during discussions of whether we should take in Syrian refugees, I was shocked at the rhetoric coming from these people and I was most horrified of all at the fact that they were people who wore their Christianity loudly.
Then, the moment of conviction came. At the moment, I have been reading take this bread (her lower-case, not mine) by Sara Miles. It has been very gripping and has brought back many memories for me of the days when I did some work with street people. I have had some struggles with aspects of the book - a bi-sexual from San Francisco who worships at a church that features dancing around the communion table and a lot of stuff that my Presbyterian heart would find "too much" isn't exactly someone I necessarily am going to form a deep connection to. That being said, this book still managed to get me right between the eyes. In the reading yesterday, in the chapter about when she wanted to expand her food pantry ministry to take over part of Sunday at the church, she met fierce opposition from some and she felt righteously indignant and then, finally, came to the realisation that church needs to fit everyone, even those whose ideas we find offensive. It doesn't mean that their ideas are right or that we need to accept racism or bigotry or other forms of cruelty but we do have to accept that they are God's children, too, and that we can't force them out of the church because they don't hold our views. I was so wrapped up in being self-righteous that I began to dehumanize those people behind their keyboards. Yes, they are wrong and yes, they are offensive but at times, I am wrong and offensive, too. I even have had times, in the not too distant past, when I didn't want to go to church because I knew that I would be sitting with people who, I believe, are directly ignoring Jesus's message in order to justify their greed or their fear. If I am being honest, it's a mix of feeling angry at them and also feeling a fear of being rejected (and rejection at church falls just short of being rejected by your parents - they are supposed to accept everyone there).
I am not going to be happy about the kind of comments being posted on CBC and I am not going to stand idly by and allow that kind of stuff to be said without commenting on it. I am, however, being called to try and drop the self-righteousness and to love those who I don't find very loveable.
I wrote a scathing Facebook post and then, brooded my way to work, thinking of a couple of people I know on Facebook who have said some things that I find HIGHLY offensive. During our election and during discussions of whether we should take in Syrian refugees, I was shocked at the rhetoric coming from these people and I was most horrified of all at the fact that they were people who wore their Christianity loudly.
Then, the moment of conviction came. At the moment, I have been reading take this bread (her lower-case, not mine) by Sara Miles. It has been very gripping and has brought back many memories for me of the days when I did some work with street people. I have had some struggles with aspects of the book - a bi-sexual from San Francisco who worships at a church that features dancing around the communion table and a lot of stuff that my Presbyterian heart would find "too much" isn't exactly someone I necessarily am going to form a deep connection to. That being said, this book still managed to get me right between the eyes. In the reading yesterday, in the chapter about when she wanted to expand her food pantry ministry to take over part of Sunday at the church, she met fierce opposition from some and she felt righteously indignant and then, finally, came to the realisation that church needs to fit everyone, even those whose ideas we find offensive. It doesn't mean that their ideas are right or that we need to accept racism or bigotry or other forms of cruelty but we do have to accept that they are God's children, too, and that we can't force them out of the church because they don't hold our views. I was so wrapped up in being self-righteous that I began to dehumanize those people behind their keyboards. Yes, they are wrong and yes, they are offensive but at times, I am wrong and offensive, too. I even have had times, in the not too distant past, when I didn't want to go to church because I knew that I would be sitting with people who, I believe, are directly ignoring Jesus's message in order to justify their greed or their fear. If I am being honest, it's a mix of feeling angry at them and also feeling a fear of being rejected (and rejection at church falls just short of being rejected by your parents - they are supposed to accept everyone there).
I am not going to be happy about the kind of comments being posted on CBC and I am not going to stand idly by and allow that kind of stuff to be said without commenting on it. I am, however, being called to try and drop the self-righteousness and to love those who I don't find very loveable.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Advent Day 2 - What was God saying to me today?
Sometimes, when I am listening for what God is saying to me, the message is so direct, it can't be missed. Those are the times when I am forced into a situation I have been avoiding or those times when I just keep encountering the message over and over again. Usually, in those instances, I am hearing the message loud and clear, I am just avoiding really hearing it.
At other times, I feel like there is something I am hearing but it's like a sound that I can't quite distinguish - it's familiar or it hints at something but I can't tell what it means. All of my ponderings today are of the second variety.
The last two days have been really rich with simple and yet wonderful things that speak to me of what Christmas is supposed to be and that evoke such warm memories for me. I keep feeling this sense of comfort and safety and warmth. I feel this intense sense of belonging and quiet and peace. It's bliss and it's what I love most about Christmas. It's evenings that are sweet rather than exciting and tastes that are comforting and smells that smell like home. It's such a comfort.
I had begun to wonder whether my Christmas memories have more to do with where I live, in a reasonably affluent area (compared to the rest of the world) and in which there is no war and pretty much everyone celebrates, despite the fact that our celebrations may take different forms. I got pondering whether there are people around me who truly don't have those warm and safe memories that carry us through the hard times. While my family was pretty close to poor when I was growing up and there was a Christmas where there hadn't been gifts and an anonymous benefactor supplied my parents with gifts and a turkey, I had no knowledge of the struggles, I just knew that were had a family and we would be together and all of the familiar ornaments were around us and we would feel blessed. A friend came over the other day, though, and started to cry. She said that she hates Christmas because she has no warm Christmas memories - it was always awful, with her parents fighting, her alcoholic father angry and her being afraid of what might be to come. It really hit me - there truly are people, and people I love, who don't have that warmth to carry with them. I know I sound hopelessly naive, but in my world, despite the fact that people have horrible experiences, they do have those blessed times to remember and warm them.
It came to me that truly, while it's easy to dismiss those cloyingly trite Christmas memories as being shallow and unimportant but that would be wrong. Christmas is a time that we can truly bless the people around us and help them to build those feelings of love and comfort. While much of what Jesus had to say was challenging and compelling and, frankly, downright scary, there is still always that message of love, of the fact that we will be fed and we will have fellowship and we will have someone counting the hairs on our heads. It made me want to bless everyone I encounter - a homemade knitted gift for my friend's mother who is sinking in alzheimers, a warm and welcoming Christmas Day breakfast for my friend the widow who misses her husband so much at Christmas, a welcoming Christmas party for my daughter and several of her friends, a hand-knitted hat with a letter to welcome a refugee, a small gift for everyone who cares for my kids. It made me change my perspective from one of trying to get everything done to one of trying to make each experience a blessing. I want to treasure each chance to help someone to build a memory, to feel a sense of love from someone and to know that he or she IS NOT ALONE.
That is the gift I want to be able to give this Christmas and it is a gift that gives to me as much as to the person to whom I am giving.
At other times, I feel like there is something I am hearing but it's like a sound that I can't quite distinguish - it's familiar or it hints at something but I can't tell what it means. All of my ponderings today are of the second variety.
The last two days have been really rich with simple and yet wonderful things that speak to me of what Christmas is supposed to be and that evoke such warm memories for me. I keep feeling this sense of comfort and safety and warmth. I feel this intense sense of belonging and quiet and peace. It's bliss and it's what I love most about Christmas. It's evenings that are sweet rather than exciting and tastes that are comforting and smells that smell like home. It's such a comfort.
I had begun to wonder whether my Christmas memories have more to do with where I live, in a reasonably affluent area (compared to the rest of the world) and in which there is no war and pretty much everyone celebrates, despite the fact that our celebrations may take different forms. I got pondering whether there are people around me who truly don't have those warm and safe memories that carry us through the hard times. While my family was pretty close to poor when I was growing up and there was a Christmas where there hadn't been gifts and an anonymous benefactor supplied my parents with gifts and a turkey, I had no knowledge of the struggles, I just knew that were had a family and we would be together and all of the familiar ornaments were around us and we would feel blessed. A friend came over the other day, though, and started to cry. She said that she hates Christmas because she has no warm Christmas memories - it was always awful, with her parents fighting, her alcoholic father angry and her being afraid of what might be to come. It really hit me - there truly are people, and people I love, who don't have that warmth to carry with them. I know I sound hopelessly naive, but in my world, despite the fact that people have horrible experiences, they do have those blessed times to remember and warm them.
It came to me that truly, while it's easy to dismiss those cloyingly trite Christmas memories as being shallow and unimportant but that would be wrong. Christmas is a time that we can truly bless the people around us and help them to build those feelings of love and comfort. While much of what Jesus had to say was challenging and compelling and, frankly, downright scary, there is still always that message of love, of the fact that we will be fed and we will have fellowship and we will have someone counting the hairs on our heads. It made me want to bless everyone I encounter - a homemade knitted gift for my friend's mother who is sinking in alzheimers, a warm and welcoming Christmas Day breakfast for my friend the widow who misses her husband so much at Christmas, a welcoming Christmas party for my daughter and several of her friends, a hand-knitted hat with a letter to welcome a refugee, a small gift for everyone who cares for my kids. It made me change my perspective from one of trying to get everything done to one of trying to make each experience a blessing. I want to treasure each chance to help someone to build a memory, to feel a sense of love from someone and to know that he or she IS NOT ALONE.
That is the gift I want to be able to give this Christmas and it is a gift that gives to me as much as to the person to whom I am giving.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Advent 1 -What is God Saying to You This Advent?
I go to this women's study group/prayer group on Wednesday nights that has been such a sanity-establishing place this year. It's the MOST eclectic group of women (that's another post) and we meet, talk about parenting and struggles as mothers, discuss a book and pray together. I think, terrifyingly, that I may even have found my "tribe". Anyway, each week, J, one of the women opens by asking us the question, "What do you think God is saying to you this week?"
The first time she asked, I was really stumped. I read the Bible, I pray, I listen to faith podcasts and I read voraciously. Despite all that, I have never simplified it down like that. I had really changed my thinking. It has made me much more conscious of my need to listen. It's been life-changing to me in terms of what I actually hear.
I have also been feeling very much called to honour Advent this year. I love Christmas but so often, it becomes a crazed rush and belief and quiet and preparation don't come into it. I wanted this year to be different (and if you ever read here, you have heard me say THAT before). I thought I might combine the two and ask myself, "What is God saying to me today? How can I get ready for the arrival of Jesus?" While Advent begins today, I have already been hearing God's call to me., which makes want to write so that I don't forget. So, a blog series is born. I don't know whether I will be able to write every day but that is my challenge.
Post 1 -
Over the last few days, we have been getting out our decorations. In our family, we like to decorate first Advent (I find that if we jump into Christmas too early, it's tired by the time it actually arrives. I grew up in a family that put the tree up Christmas Eve and it adds so much to the excitement that the time is actually here!)
Of course, the kids want to help and they have been frenzied with revisiting familiar ornaments. Me, in my slightly OCD way, feels that there is a "right" way to do it and I found myself feeling very frustrated (to the point of getting a bit chippy) with the fact that every time I turned around, another display had been rearranged or "messed up." Then, the question popped into my mind, "What might God be saying to me here?"
Then, I suddenly saw it. The kids were playing with Jesus and the Wise Men and the shepherds. They had Rudolph and Hermie and the scary white thing from Rudolph (forgive me, I was traumatized by Rudolph as a child, I don't get the appeal) coming to worship the King. Wow. My kids were seeing something that I wasn't. They wanted to be right in there, worshiping, getting to know the story, acting it out right in our living room. They knew that everyone needed to come and worship and I am quite sure that shepherds and sheep and camels and poor urchins certainly would not have stood in a properly choreographed line. The chaos they were creating in getting into the story was exactly what we should be doing. I was acting like the apostles when they tried to keep the children away from Jesus.
Have faith like these little ones... My first challenge for this Advent season.
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