On Mommy Guilt...

Wow, it's been crushing lately.  For the record, in case you don't know, I am a working mom.  I love my job and since I work in education, it's easy to see how important the work is that I do.  I'm not working for the money, I'm personally working for the blessing of seeing kids' minds open up to the world around them and to be there for children for whom the adults in their lives are unwilling or unable to be.  Daily, I pick up the pieces as marriages fall apart, I try to be there for kids whose parents are in crisis and I try to be the adult in a child's life when the adults are acting like children.  I am not saying that every child needs this but I refuse to apologize for being a mom who works outside the home - my work is important.  I almost never go out on my own unless my children are asleep, I don't go out to socialize with friends and I avoid all choices that take me away from my children.  I also have the luxury that my schedule roughly matches up with that of my kids so while my son is at daycare during the day, my daughter is only in daycare for about an hour a day because she is in school.

That being said, this year, I have more keenly felt than ever, the struggle of being a working mom.  Because of the nature of my job, I can't go in and volunteer in my daughter's classroom and I can't be a daily presence at the school.  I decided that, since her school doesn't exactly bless me with other chances to be involved, that I would start going to the parent council meetings.  Has that ever been eye-opening.  It's run by a very small group of mothers, all of whom are stay-at-home and all of whom obviously look down on us as being "lesser moms" and "not getting the needs of our children" and that "if we really cared, we could stay home."  It makes me want to scream - "your staying home isn't because of any special accomplishment on your part other than marrying a man who can pay your way."  I don't judge these women for staying home and, truth be told, I'd love to work part-time (that's my ultimate dream) but for us, right now, that's just not possible.  I makes me insane that these women can be so judgemental.  Does staying home with the children really bring that out in women?  Seriously, I am asking that.  I came home after the first meeting and told my husband that I was glad that I was able to go out to work because at least I am out with women who aren't bored and don't have to resort to the "mean girl" some in, some out drama to make life interesting.

All this being said, the mommy-guilt keeps kicking in, though.  Last year, the school scheduled the kindergarten concert in the morning during the school day.  I was shocked.  Every school at which I have ever taught has had concerts in the evening to allow parents to come.  For the 15 years I have been teaching, I have just viewed it as part of my job to stay a few evenings a year.  My husband and I really don't have any childcare options here and my husband does all kinds of musical evenings at his school so I have taken my children with me (and they both love going to my school and being spoiled by my students and fauned over by the parents).  Last year, I took a day off and went, risking being in trouble from the school board.  This year, with all the labour unrest here, I guessed that it would be during the day again and I started to creatively plan how I might get there.  I asked about whether I could take an unpaid day off and was told that there is no way that they would approve it.  Dh and I talked and we decided that he could probably go in late and get a couple of teachers to cover his class, just so that we wouldn't have to tell Pk that nobody would be there to cheer her on.  Then, last Friday, we heard through the grapevine that they were planning the concert for the afternoon of the Friday before the break.  There is NO way that we could sneak out for a bit then and if we booked the time off, we would be slaughtered.  I lost it.  I sent the principal a very pointed email about the fact that they evidently valued one type of parent very much over another and that this was an equity issue that they were excluding parents who work who, in this town anyway, must be the vast majority of the population.  At the end of the day (after some considerable discomfort including the principal emailing the principal at my school!), the concert was actually moved - the principal agreed that they couldn't have chosen a time more challenging for the vast majority of parents.  It is still during the day (with the current labour situation, there are no evening concerts) but it was at least a small gesture.  In the midst of it all, though, I came away feeling like a total failure.  My child was going to have to come away feeling like we didn't care because of the fact that we can never be there for her.  I cried more than a few tears over that.

Why is it so hard to be a mother and not feel loaded down all the time?  I'm sick of it.  I wish I could find a way to just let it go and know that my children get so many opportunities and because Dh and I are teachers during the day, we can be much more present than most parents (off two weeks at Christmas, one week at March Break and 9 weeks together full-time as a family in the summer and only a few hours a day during the work week).  I also don't want my daughter to limit her dreams or to believe that she is less because she is female and I want to send her an example of not feeling limited.

All that being said, though,  being a working mom really sucks sometimes.

Greater...

A while ago, a friend posted a link to a new online study hosted by Melissa Taylor from Proverbs 31 Ministries.  Me, I love me an online study!  I find life so busy that I can't seem to find a good study group to attend these days and while Bible study is so important, I have a hard time justifying taking time away from my children.  Online Bible studies let me flex my learning muscles, learn from other people and, most important for me these days, give me deadlines to meet.  Given who I am, which you are about to find out, I must always meet a deadline so it keeps me going.

This study is called "Greater" and is built around Steven Furtick's book of the same name.  I haven't heard of him before but the summary sounded interesting.  The contrast between "greatness" and "greater" seemed intriguing.  I have to say, after reading chapter 1, I definitely think this book is for me.

When I was in school, I was eventually labeled "gifted" after being tested.  That sounds like a good thing, right?  Well it wasn't for me.  I am someone with a definite bent towards being a perfectionist and the "gifted" label upped the ante for me.  Not only did I have to do everything wonderfully, I felt like I had to do everything in a thoroughly spectacular way.  As I am sure you can imagine, that's a ridiculously high bar to set for yourself and leads to a great deal of heartache.  As I read the discussion of the meaning of "greater" rather than "best", I wanted to read more and as I realized that there was a message here that God would help me achieve that "greater" that is planned for me, I felt this tremendous sense of relief.  Maybe I don't have to push so hard all the time... Maybe I don't always have to lead everything, accomplish everything, be perfect at everything.  Frankly, all this striving has left me absolutely exhausted, burnt out and discouraged.  I will definitely keep reading, just to search for that change in my thinking.


I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.   ~ John 14:12 NIV84

I know I am supposed to answer what I think about this scripture passage for the week:  Frankly, I don't know what it means exactly.  How could I ever do anything greater than Jesus, even with God's help?  Maybe I'll know by the end of this study.

I can't wait to read everyone else's thoughts.

On Sarah's Bedside Table

I know, I know, I'm back, yet again.  I really don't have time for this blog but I love stopping in and often, I have something that I'm dying to say to SOMEONE and you are the best someone I know.  I'll try to be more regular around here but, frankly, we both know the chances of that.  If there's anyone still stopping around here once-in-a-while, thank you for your patience with me.

So, one of the reasons I haven't been around here much is that I have been reading.  Reading, reading and reading.  I have a pile of books at the side of my bed and I'm going through them as quickly as I can.  I'd like to address two of them right now.

The first, by Rachel Held Evans, is "A Year of Biblical Womanhood."  She's what I have heard described as "an evangelical, feminist blogger".  That in itself piqued my curiosity.  When I saw her book mentioned on another blog, I had to have it.  I'm so glad that I preordered it because I've had a hard time putting it down.

I've really questioned, for quite a while now, what it means to be a Christian woman.  That may sound silly but I've felt very lost.  The conservative right puts forward that I should not have a job outside the home, I should devote my life almost entirely to my husband and then my children (in that order), that I should be submissive and meek and that I should really not have an intelligent thought of my own.  The other side of the issue, as far as I can tell, seems to want to totally ignore all Biblical texts on womanhood and to state that I can just ignore Biblical teaching on womanhood.  Neither fits for me.

Along comes this book.  I would LOVE to do a discussion group with some Christian woman on this book sometime.  While I don't want to say too much right now as I'm tired and I don't want to do the book an injustice, I have to say that I LOVE some of the brilliant conclusions that she draws.  The section on the meaning of Proverbs 31 and the role it plays with Orthodox Jewish women felt right to me for the first time.  It's not merely a list of rules we should be following but, in truth, an homage to the creativity and capability of wives and mothers and women more generally.  We should be praising each other as "women of valour" and looking to see the valour in other women.  I LOVE that idea.  Thank you, 

Rachel, for your thoughtful, obviously scripture-loving exploration.  It drives me crazy when people reduce the Bible to a set of rules.  It's so nice to finally see a book that explores how we can approach scripture as so much more.

The other interesting book I am reading these days is "Almost Amish" by Nancy Sleeth.  She's is part of a couple who decided that they were going to leave their wealthy, materialistic life for a life more in keeping with their values - caring for our planet and showing love for God's creation while living with what they need, instead of what they want.  Frankly, at times, the book makes me feel shallow and greedy, which I am, but I have also found sections that really speak to me.  The chapter I read last night was focused on spending time in the natural world to build appreciation of God's glory and how reconnecting with the natural world (as the Amish do, living off the land and caring for animals), helps our mental state and our spiritual state.  It made me resolve to get outside more and to get the kids outside more.  Pk ad I spent the early part of the morning gluing our pinecone wreath we are making for Christmas.  It was lovely.

So, bloggy friends I follow, keep the lists of books coming!  Most of the books I enjoy most these days come from my blog reading (along with some of the best recipes, too!)  I would never have heard of these two books without you sharing.  Thank you!

I'm Back...

On Being a Teacher in ON

I'm a teacher.  I don't talk about it much here because really, this blog is about faith, family and a bit of everything else.  There are lots of wonderful teacher blogs and I don't aspire to that.  This is for me to live the life that means the most to me.  Don't get me wrong but I learned early on in my career that while it was important to me to strive to make a difference in the lives of my students, if I didn't cultivate what meant most to me personally, I wouldn't have much to give.

Today, I'm going to change the pace a bit.  I need a vent and it's not one I can do publicly.  "Teacher me" needs to rant a bit.  After hearing some real horror stories of the way that some teachers at my school were treated at Meet the Teacher night and then the way that I had a good friend hold me accountable to everything she thinks is wrong with teachers, I NEED to say my piece somewhere.  Here, I don't imagine it will get me in trouble.

1.  The teacher to whom you are speaking is not the teacher who made you feel like you were worthless when you were in school.  This person is no more responsible for that than is any male you meet because a man was horrible to you once.  Don't project your history of bad feeling onto the teachers you deal with now.  We agree, the way things were done 30 years ago didn't work.  That's why we don't work that way now.

2.  Teachers work hard.  We don't think that we work HARDER than anyone else but we do work hard.  We can't slip up at all.  You might make a mistake at work and a file goes missing or a car doesn't get sold or, horribly, a cheque gets lost.  We make a mistake and a child's self esteem is tattered for years, if not a lifetime.  We have to measure every word we say.  That's exhausting.

3.  We don't get free pensions.  I paid $10 000 into my pension plan last year.  I think anyone would consider that a fairly good RRSP contribution.  It's no different than all of those who get contribution matching from their employers.  It's not uncommon for people whose jobs require the amount of university education that teaching does.

4.  Every time we take a stand, we are blamed for putting ourselves over our students.  Let's be clear.  I may decide to withdraw some voluntary services to express my displeasure with the government taking away our charter right to collective bargaining.  I will still plan my programme, teach my class, report to parents, write all kinds of assessment forms, deal with children with a wide range of disabilities and try to teach children about boundaries who see none at home.  I will continue to do my job.  I am not giving up on the kids.

5.  You do not have the right to go in screaming at a teacher because you don't like the level of book they are sending home, you feel that they are not teaching math the way that you think they should or because you feel that they are being unfair imposing a detention on your child for rudeness or disruptiveness or for not living up to his or her responsibilities.  Teachers are no less entitled to respect that any other professionals with whom you deal on a daily basis.  You wouldn't go in yelling at your doctor, your lawyer or your minister.  Don't expect to do it with us.  It's not o.k.

6.  You would not go in a scream at your doctor because you don't like his or her diagnosis.  You recognize that:
a.  He or she has seen this a few times more than you have
b.  He or she has considerable post-secondary education to allow him or her to make an informed decision
c.  It's very hard, as a parent, to be objective.  This teacher is seeing your child in the context of many children the same age.  Most likely, he or she is more right than you are.

7.  A teacher is the person who bears the brunt of an imperfect system.  It is ridiculous to think that 20 (or more!) children who have nothing more in common than being born in the same year will all have the same learning needs.  We are often trying to teach a range of abilities that is greater than 3 years difference.  We will do the best that we can but we can't make a system that is unmanageable work for everyone.

8.  The teacher hates a split grade class as much as you do.  Don't blame us that the school boards are going to do what is financially best.  We did not impose the hard cap of 20 and we would rather your child be in a straight grade, too.

9.  If your child is bored, it is most likely that the child is spoiled.  Gifted children are rarely bored (contrary to what so many parents believe).  Gifted children make the most of all learning opportunities.  They take their learning into new and exciting directions and often have to be reined in, not entertained.  There is an element of learning that requires the learner to want to learn.  While we do everything we can to engage your child, not all children have the motivation to strive for their best, especially if they haven't had much required of them before they come to us.

10.  We deal with the classes we are given.  We teach many children who are neglected, abused, ignored, who are exposed by their parents to many things they shouldn't see, who have no social skills and who have a huge range of emotional, cognitive and physical disabilities.  We are trying to do the best we can with the children walking into the classroom every day.  That's all that we can do.

11.  We have to act as social workers, nutritionists, therapists and parents to children with great needs.  We do that every day and in a group of 20 in a short time span.  We are doing our best, I promise.

12.  If we had done six years of university and gone into the private sector in many careers, while we may not have the pension we have, we would make a lot more money and have more control over our hours, our working conditions and have the possibility of bonuses.  That doesn't happen for us.

13.  Many of those who criticize us the most are people in business.  Just for the record, while we get an (unpaid) summer off and a good pension, we don't get to write off our gas, our meals out, our hotel rooms, our parties that we host or any of a number of other perks that business owners do.  We don't get a company car, either.

14.  If we have it so good, you get yourself into teacher's college, pay what you have to pay in tuition and spend the years that many spend trying to get one of the very few jobs available.  We work hard to get our qualifications and work even harder to get jobs.

15.  We have to balance the needs of all of the children in our classrooms and we are responsible to teach all the kids in our classes.  We can't pick and choose who gets taught and who doesn't.  You may believe that your child is the most important in the classroom and we understand that but we can't take that same perspective.  Any parent of more than one child understands that, sometimes, what's right for one child isn't right for another and it feels awful having to put the needs of one over another.  We do that with 20 important little beings every day.

16.  If you are my friend, I don't expect you to agree with me but I don't deserve to be attacked for wanting to enjoy my constitutional right.  I don't ask politicians to take away all of your business tax breaks or call you lazy or spoiled for trying to exercise your rights.

17.  Teachers are not the enemy.  Go volunteer in a school for a month, attend every meeting, write a full set of report cards and conduct the parent interviews and then come back to talk with me about what teachers should get.  Just because you were a child once doesn't mean that you understand the ins and outs of education.

18.  Or, as my husband often suggests, host a birthday party for your child's entire class but instead of doing it for a couple of hours, try an entire day.  Then, you might actually have some right to offer your opinion.

For the record, I do want to say that 99.9% of the people I deal with, particularly at my school, are wonderful, helpful, supportive and encouraging.  They understand that I want the best for their children and they see me as  part of a team and we work together.  That's how it should be.  I think that's why, when I either hear stories about nastiness (like the two stories I heard about parents who went in yelling and screaming at their children's teachers at Meet the Teacher night last week and created a big scene in front of all the other families) or when I am subjected to an aggressive attack by someone who is supposed to be a friend, it hurts... it's such a shock to the system and so uncalled for.

The child part of teaching is the most wonderful thing in the world.  Sadly, the adult part has times that is nowhere near as much fun.

Rant finished.

James: Mercy Triumphs

This is new territory for me.  Growing up in the denomination that I did, talking about faith and God isn't something I am very good at.  That's for ministers and I wouldn't want to sound silly or, even worse, given someone a false idea about God.  It's crazy how strange I find talking about faith.  I guess my prayer should be that God guides my tongue and gives me the words that I need.

Let me start by saying that I am really enjoying this study, much as I always enjoy Beth Moore's studies.  I'm a learner, a bookworm, someone who loves to read and learn new facts.  I love trivia and connection and patterns and Beth gives me everything that I feel like I am missing in my own reading of the Bible.  When I read, I want to know how one text relates to another and the time and geographic and theological links between different people and stories.  Beth definitely gives me that.  I know all the "big" Bible stories from growing up in the church and having done the "Old Testament Challenge" (we read through the O.T. as a church and did small group study), I feel like I know the O.T. fairly well.  I grew up in a tradition that follows the lectionary (set readings for each Sunday on a three year rotation which omits huge portions of the Bible, especially from the N.T.)  I know the gospels inside out but get me past the few first chapters of the book of Acts, and it's a struggle.  It's so nice to get to travel in a new land!

I also love the fact that Beth doesn't shy away for the tough stuff.  It doesn't take long to get into texts that are easy to avoid... James 1:

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,^(F) 3 because you know that the testing of your faith^(G) produces perseverance.

⁹ Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position.


¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial^(T) because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life^(U) that the Lord has promised to those who love him.^(V)

I've always found these kinds of texts really hard.  I'm nowhere near joyful in the hard times and to be honest, I always found that texts like these actually make me feel kind of guilty and shallow.  At times, I am able to see small gifts in times of trial but honestly, pure joy it isn't.  It's easy to put that down to "special people" (you know the ones, people who either need nothing and live in horrible conditions and serve the poor and truly seem happy... I don't do dirt or bugs and while I do feel shallow about it, that's not my way to serve).  In doing the studying along with Beth, I heard a new message - these times of hardship serve a purpose - to develop in me the things that I am lacking, to strengthen me.  It's not the hardships themselves that should make me happy but the strength, the wisdom, the clarity in how I see things that they bring that should give me joy.  It's easy to do when I think of a very, very hard time I made it through a few years ago.  I do have to admit, awful though that time was, so much good has come out of it, in part because of the fact that it blew some things open that needed to be addressed and in part, because it taught me to appreciate what I have.  It did help me see my life in a different way.  Will it change the way I see intense hardship the next time round?  I hope so!  I hope it will help me to trust God and to not be,
"like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind"

One other little thing that is speaking to me?  Writing out James as I go.  I have never written out a large text from the Bible as part of the study and now, I am wondering why I haven't.  It really helps me to see each and every word and puts things in my mind in an entirely new way.

I hope I haven't seemed silly in my comments here - what I am saying doesn't read as being very deep to me but truly, I am feeling them in a very deep way.  I'm looking forward to read what others are thinking.

Fall Bucket List 2012

One problem with the combination of a cheap camera and a highly unskilled photographer is the inability to capture the beauty around me on film.  This afternoon, I took the dogs for a run and it was stunning.  It felt like everything had been painted with a brush of yellow - the goldenrod is out in full force and the yellow leaves seem to be moving more quickly than anything else.  I tend to think of September as a yellow month, followed by October which is filled with orange and rust.  Lovely!

Fall is my favourite season and every year, I find myself desperate to make the most of it.  My spring and summer bucket lists didn't seem to go anywhere but I am determined that the fall list will guide family life.  Here we go:

1.  Pick apples (which we have already done) and make applesauce.  I'd like to try my hand at canning some but this will not be the year.  If you want advice, check out Monica at "The Homespun Heart", who has quite a few wonderful posts about apples.

2.  Pumpkins - everything I can think of.  I want to make Dh a wonderful pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.  I want to take the kids to the farm and pick pumpkins.  I want to do our annual fall photo shoot on the wagon at Betty's corn farm.  I want to make pumpkin bread and pumpkin muffins.

3.  Leaves - we want to rake leaves and jump in the piles.  I want to collect leaves and press them.  BHG has some great decorating and craft ideas with leaves and I wouldn't mind trying a few of those, too, but given the frenzy that is my life right now, I don't want to frustrate myself with endless things that become my list of what is not getting done.

4.  Knitting - I want to finish the Guernsey wrap and ideally, make a baby blanket for a friend who is due soon and a wrap for my mom for Christmas.  It remains to be seen whether I will be that disciplined.

5.  I want to walk in the forest and admire the colours at least once.

6.  I want to find a recipe for killer apple pie.  I have a decent recipe but it isn't earth shaking.

7.  I want to have fun with Halloween this year.  Since I have decided that it's o.k. for our family as long as we are careful, I want to make it a time of happy family memories.  I want us all to dress up.

8.  I want to burn candles, a lot.

9.  I want to make cider for everyone after we have been outside so that the house smells heavenly.

10.  I want to buy a new down vest in a great colour.

11.  I want to find some new traditions to incorporate for Thanksgiving.

12.  I want to comb Pinterest for ideas to make Christmas special this year.  I want to do lots of planning so that by the time Christmas arrives, I am ready and not feeling overwhelmed.

13.  I want to get back in the habit of blogging.  I want to clean out my Reader subscriptions so that I can manage them and don't find it so overwhelming to read so much.  I want to help my computer time to be more structured so I don't waste so much time.

14.  I want to wear clothing that makes me feel good.

15.  I desperately want a way to embrace the concept of Sabbath.  Especially since I became the Children's Worship coordinator at our church, I find that Sundays are my worst day and by mid afternoon, I am ready to crawl into a cave and hide, I feel so overwhelmed.  I need to get the work done sooner in the week, to ask Dh more specifically for the help I need (and stop waiting for him to see that I need help and jump in, men just can't seem to do that) and to learn to enjoy the day.

I'm sure that I have forgotten some things and I will add them later.  What are you adding to your Fall bucket list?