I'm an INFJ. If you know about Myers-Briggs personality typing, that will mean something to you but if not, it's just a set of random letters. For me, it's been such a useful tool in understanding myself, particularly some of my quirkier stuff that I haven't ever really understood.
We INFJ's are a rare bunch and we can be pretty contradictory. The one trait of being an INFJ that I haven't really owned until recently is the privacy one. Supposedly, we are very people centred and tend of focus a lot of emotions and trying to help others. Yup, that's me. On the other hand, we are supposedly very private and I didn't really think that described me. Certainly, if you hang around here, you would think that I am VERY forthcoming but I have come to understand that my blog is really the only place that I feel like I can really tell the truth. That makes life hard sometimes.
I do share my feelings and hash things out with people at times. I vent about small frustrations and I talk through ideas a lot. I've found, over the last year or so, though, that I am so lonely. It's funny, I am surrounded by the most wonderful people and I am frequently told by people that I cope so well and that they don't know how I do it. As an example, not too long ago, my sister-in-law was venting to me about something and then apologized for it, because I never vent to her. It's such a strange combination - I am DYING to spill how I am feeling but I can't seem to find the words or, when I do, I don't think that people are really interested so I don't want to bother them. I can vent about being concerned about the strike that's looming in my work or the fact that my car won't start but the things that are weighing the most heavily, I can't seem to express. It really is lonely.
So, here I go, since I can't vent anywhere else, it needs to spill out here. I know, first world problems and all that and I feel guilty complaining but today, it needs to come out and here is the only place I feel safe doing it.
1. I am so angry at Dh. Pk has had a HARD year at school. She's been complaining a lot about feeling sad at school and not knowing why and that the other girls are mean to her. Me being me, I've worried. Is she doing something to turn the other kids off? Is she just looking for attention? (my niece has been battling a lot of serious depression this year and has been getting a lot of attention for it and I wondered whether Pk might think this would get her attention too). I've never felt especially like I belonged socially - is it that I am rubbing off on Pk? Are these just the normal things that girls have to go through or is it more serious?
Anyway, when I picked Pk up at daycare yesterday, the daycare teacher said that her classroom teacher wanted to see me. I went up alone and she filled me in on seeing that Pk is feeling uncomfortable in class at times and won't talk about what's wrong, her "friends" can be downright malicious to her sometimes and she won't tell on them or stand up to them, she won't take any risks in class at all in terms of possibly making a mistake and her teacher says she is the sweetest kid ever but she isn't being especially well served by being so sweet. When I came home, I was bursting to discuss it with Dh and when I came in, he asked why I was so late. I said that Pk's teacher had wanted to see me and he changed the subject. It took three hours for him to actually ask me what it was about and then, she was present so I couldn't discuss it. He totally forgot about it and I had to pull him aside this morning and even then, he didn't seem especially interested. I don't want anyone to think he's a bad guy and he loves us but he can be so selfish sometimes and when it comes to parenting, it all falls to me. I'm tired of doing this on my own.
2. The puppy. I love her but I said when the subject was raised that I was already on the edge in terms of being able to manage the pace of my life. I was assured, again and again, that the work would be shared and it wouldn't all fall to me. As I am trying to get the kids ready for school in the morning (single-handedly), having a puppy hanging off my bathrobe and pooping in the house is not making me feel especially cherished. I do so much of the work around here and it doesn't matter what is going on, when I say that I can't do something because I am already overwhelmed, nobody listens to me, more just gets added to my plate. IT"S NOT FAIR!
3. Sunday school. I want to help at church, I really do. I want to do my part. That being said, being down to teach Sunday school on Mother's Day when I had a school concert and had to do double duty here because Dh had his big school concerts on Wednesday and Thursday, I really, really, really could use the break. Will Mother's Day ever be a day I get a break? I'd love, more than anything else, just to go somewhere alone for the day and read and drink tea. I can't even imagine what they would feel like.
Those are just the tip of the iceberg but I needed to say them. If you have actually stuck around to read this, you probably think I am either the biggest whiner in the world or the biggest wimp. I just wish I knew that other moms felt the same way. I honestly find that by the time I go to bed, I am dying of exhaustion and then I wake up the next day to feeling guilty about the people whose emails I didn't anwer or whose texts got ignored and often, I can guilt from those people. If you aren't thinking I'm a baby, you are probably thinking that I should just grow some balls and do something about it all. You are probably right, I just don't know how...