An Ode To Dairy

As you may know, if you have been around here for a while, Pk, my eldest, was NOT an easy baby that first year. She never slept, she cried all the time and nights were, frankly, a nightmare! As she got older, things go much easier but those first few months were TOUGH.

When Baby Bean was getting ready to arrive, I did lots of research and one thing I came across was the fact that I might have benefitted from doing some food restricting to see whether Pk had any sensitivities. When she was older, I did see a naturopath who took us off everything (the woman was a crackpot, if you ask me in hindsight) and that accomplished nothing but I never thought to eliminate anything at the time.

When Baby Bean started to show signs of what dh and I referred to as the "evening grunchies", I decided to drop dairy from my diet. I couldn't really tell whether it was making a difference or not but the plan was to try it for four weeks and then try introducing a bit of goat's milk into my diet and see what happened.

The four weeks were hard. I LOVE cheese and if you haven't even had to be aware of it, you would probably be surprised at the number of foods that contain "modified milk ingredients", whey powder or lactose. Because my father is lactose intolerant, I know what I am looking for so I can pretty confidently say that I was milk free. Baby Bean seemed much mellower than Pk - he had his moments but nothing like what we had seen with Pk.

Last week, we went to visit my inlaws. My m.i.l. isn't very good at looking for milk ingredients so I had to be really on the ball, which was tough, because I didn't want to offend her. Desserts were out, snacks were out and even a couple of meals, I had to eat very selectively. I took my almond milk (I love tea with milk and I have found that to be the closest substitute). I had a few things that were kind of suspicious and while we were there, Baby Bean had some moments of real grouchiness, especially towards the end of the visit. I tried to tell myself that it might be due to a different environment, strange people, overstimulation, etc...

Well, last night we had pasta for dinner and I put a bit of goat's cheese on top. From what I have read, infants are not lactose intolerant, their issues are almost always allergies to milk protein (which, thankfully, are often outgrown in early childhood). Goat's milk is a protein source that is easier to digest than cow's milk so it seemed the most likely thing to be o.k. It's not, for Baby Bean anyway. This evening, we have had glimpses of Pk as an infant. Constantly crying, grouchiness and a strong desire to comfort nurse (my breasts are in need of some serious t.l.c. at this point). I think that dairy is out of my life for the next few months, at least. I plan to nurse heavily for at least his first year and to continue nursing, at least somewhat, until he is at least 16 months (when I weaned Pk). My goal would be two given that is the WHO recommendation but I am not sure that I have it in me (when they are using sentences to ask for nursing, I personally get very uncomfortable).

Being dairy free is a tough pill to swallow and makes eating out or at other people's homes almost impossible. On the other hand, the evening crying makes me crazy and I would do almost anything to have a happy baby.

Please, if you can, go and have some cheese or ice cream for me. I am in serious withdrawal.

A Changing World

Last weekend, we went up to visit my in-laws, who live in a town about 3 hours north of us. It's a very pretty town and a bit of a summer holiday destination, so there are some family entertainment areas around the town.

This year, we decided that Pk was old enough to visit Story Park. I had never been but I had heard about it. It has a few rides for little kids, a train, parks and, the reason for its name, little story houses featuring characters from popular childrens' stories. Pk was in love! As we walked around, I have to admit, I had one of those times when I become a product of where I was raised - I am, by experience, a city girl and while I really love many of the values that go with a smaller place (slower pace of life, increased contact with people from spheres other than my own, less pressure to "make it", etc), at times, the urban snob emerges and this was one of those times. We came to the Snow White house. I kid you not, it was a little house with cheap wood paneling (of the type you would see in someone's 1970's rec room), a statue of Snow White and 7 garden gnomes (again, think 1970's suburbia). Pk thought it was pretty marvelous (if only I could see the world through the eyes of an almost three year old) but to me, it just looked really tacky. Pk had a nice time and other than when my m.i.l. spent three minutes hanging over the railing trying not to throw up after going on a ride with Pk, we all had a nice time.

Later in the day, when the kids were napping, I sat with my journal writing about what had happened and I got reflecting on how much the world has changed. As a child, I would have adored a place like the one we had visited. That pleasure would have lasted quite a bit longer than it probably will for Pk. I remember adoring going to the C.N.E., Toronto's big agricultural fair (or, at least, those were its origins). It was grotty, tacky, dirty and, in some cases, bordering on dangerous but we adored it. We looked forward for weeks to going - it was truly one of the highlights of the summer. We loved the little doughnuts that we watched being made and ate hot with either icing sugar or cinnamon sugar. We always played the fishing games, knowing that we would win incredibly tacky prizes. We wandered buildings looking at livestock, snacked on food samples and saw the "latest and greatest" in home gadgets. There was an "Around the World" pavilion that featured shopping from other countries and it felt very exotic. To us, the C.N.E. was the best.

And then, along came Wonderland. Canada's Wonderland was a big, glitzy amusement park. It was clean, the rides were safe and it was horribly expensive. Everything was bright and exciting and loud. Immediately, we saw the C.N.E. for the slightly dingy event that it was. Something that had been so exciting became something that we couldn't be bothered with. It was something you did if you couldn't afford Wonderland or didn't have a way to get there. In some ways, the C.N.E. became something that was viewed as being kind of pathetic, a kind of a joke (they had a few years when they struggled with ride accidents which made it even more of a joke).

What really hit me was that there is a kind of loss of innocence that makes me sad. Pk's glee at the silly little houses and the old, tired rides and a vastly-overpriced little dish of ice cream was a pleasure to watch. I know it's easy to idealize the past and the new, the glitzy and the sophisticated make our lives exciting in wonderful new ways. On the other hand, it is sad when we begin to see things as they are, when the magic wears off. I know that Pk's childhood will contain a number of those losses of magic and I think I will be sad when each of those losses comes. Unfortunately, my experience in the last few years has been that we have less and less capacity to see magic (I immediately think of the child in dh's class who brought a teddy bear for show and tell and proceeded to tell the class that he didn't want to share it because it was stupid because it didn't need batteries and didn't do anything).

Me, I want some of that magic back. I know that it is easier said than done but I am really trying to see the world through Pk's eyes and enjoy the magic that is there. I want to silence that snob and savour those tastes, sounds and allow myself to feel that excitement. Being able to see the world through my childrens' eyes is one of the greatest gifts of motherhood for me.

Now, I have a craving for doughnuts and popcorn shrimp!

A Baby Necessity

When I had my daughter, who was not an easy baby, this book was recommended to me by the mothers on one of my lists. It's brilliant!!! These authors studied primate babies and found that they went through distinct fussy periods during the first year of life that were consistent in terms of timing. They were able to extend this to human babies and I have found it to be incredibly accurate. When Baby Bean suddenly stopped sleeping late last week and by Sunday, I found myself getting very despairing, I decided to get out the book and, lo and behold, human babies go through their first developmental leap, accompanied by significant fussiness, at 5 weeks old and Baby Bean turned five weeks last Thursday. There is a map in the book that outlines the first year, giving timelines for when the baby is most likely to be fussy or not, which can be very useful information to have. Pk was consistent to it within a day or two the first year and so far, it looks like Baby Bean will be too. It's helpful when booking visits, photographers, etc. and also, it can really help you to understand that nothing is wrong when a normally easy baby becomes a grouchy bear for a few days. I wouldn't want to be without this!

Sabbath Rest

When my mom was growing up, they kept the Sabbath strictly. They went to two services and Sunday school in the morning, went home to a simple meal for lunch, slept the afternoon away and then went back to church in the evening. Nothing else happened on a Sunday.

When I was growing up, things were relaxed quite a bit. We didn't strictly keep the Sabbath but Sunday was always a church day, we usually went to Grandma's for lunch and there was always an afternoon nap. We didn't know why Sunday was different than other days but it was.

A few years ago, when Dh and I were first married, we started keeping a kind of Sabbath of our own. We hadn't been working all that long and the load was very heavy and we were TIRED. We wanted to make the Sabbath special in some way and what we decided to do was to make it a "quiet" day - no t.v., no computers, no "must do" work, no shopping and limited phone calls. We spent it doing church in the morning and then spending time together - we played games, went for walks or hikes, went to spend part of the day with family, cooked special meals, etc. We came to really love it and when we were doing it, I found that Monday was less painful - I went into the week more centred and relaxed.

I don't know when we stopped our Sabbath rest tradition. I think it just gradually got sucked under by the pace of life and all that we found pressing. Home ownership brought a new list of jobs and now with children, one day tends to feel a bit like another. I find myself craving those quiet Sundays more and more.

Not too long ago, I read the book "The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan. It really, really spoke to me. I find myself craving rest and not just sleep but rest of an emotional, spiritual kind. A quiet cup of tea with a book for an hour, a nap without guilt, a walk with the family, a meal that doesn't feel like an effort (fancy Sunday dinners were something we were trying and I have to say, for me, at least, that makes Sunday LESS of a day of rest). There is so little rest in my life these days and this book really inspired me. It helped me to remember that rest comes in many different forms and the rest that God is offering us is not a punishment but a wonderful gift, all the more so in a world as fast paced as the one we live in now.

At this point, I am pondering what form that Sabbath rest will take in our home. Of course, Sunday begins with church and will probably include a nap for the foreseeable future (lovely!). I want the day to be special, though, a day that stands out for all of us as being something to treasure. I am not entirely sure of what form that will take but there are a few things I have already decided:

1. Sunday is not a day for shopping or errands - anything out of the house should be about fellowship and activities that help us to recharge and enjoy, things that don't have an obligation tied to them.

2. I want Sunday to be a day that has significance for my children, too. Not a day that we are forced to be bored and quiet but a day that does stand out as being different. Today, I set a rule that the music we listen to needs to be Christian and the books we read need to have a focus on our faith. Pk seems to have enjoyed it quite a bit - we got out some stories that we haven't read in a while and we had a nice cuddle and read this morning. I think I will try to plan some other special things to make Sunday stand out but things that also don't end up being a bit burden to me, either.

If you have any Sabbath suggestions, I would love to hear them. I don't want to turn this into a day of obligation but a day that helps us to go into the week recharged and aware of what means most to us. I want this day to be a gift!

Down Memory Lane

A friend from church has a little girl who is just under a year old and I decided to offer to lend her all of Pk's stuff (I was considering giving rather than lending but I am not entirely certain that we are done with having babies - I am too old and too poor but I would love to have another little girl...). I spend the better part of a morning going through the bins of clothing a pulled a few of my favourites to keep back and decided to share a few with you.

This is the first sweater I ever made for Pk. It was foolish, really - who wears a short-sleeved sweater but it looked really cute (and you see it on the top banner for the blog). I hope it is the first in a long line of sweaters that mummy will make for Pk.

This was the dress she wore for her first Easter. It was the start of my early Gymboree addiction (which has since waned - nothing like poverty to cure you of spending).
This little outfit was brought to us by a friend who lives in England and it is so soft and cuddly. It was one of the outfits that made me wish that I could wear children's clothing - this would be perfect for lounging around with a book and tea on the weekend.
This dress was sent by another very special English friend (who I have lost contact with because I got too busy and never seemed to have time and I greatly regret that). The photos don't do the dress justice (my camera was acting up) but it has the loveliest smocking (I have a huge thing for smocking, I love, love, love it).

This was the dress that Pk wore for her turning 1 photos. I love navy and white and especially anything that has a bit of a nautical look. She looked lovely in this and the photos were better than I could have ever imagined.
I love this dress - the colour and the springiness of it. She wore it to the 150th anniversary of Dh's parents' church and I got to see how people are really drawn to her. It isn't always the happiest of churches and yet some of the grouchiest people went out of their way to smother her in cuddles, smiles and crackers :-). It was so nice to see how her warm smile can draw people in (when she chooses - normally, she can be somewhat aloof and shy). A friend bought the same dress for her little girl (actually, the friend I am giving the clothing to) and she always calls the dress "the Pk dress" since it so fits who Pk is. And hey, it's not pink, which, according to Pk, everything has to be these days.

Who Knew?

Yes, that is a photo of my horrible toes (no, I very obviously have not gone for a pedicure lately) and yes, the colour of nail polish is horrible. I will explain shortly.

One of the things that I have found the hardest about having a new little one is trying to find a balance between meeting the needs of little Baby Bean, who would like to nurse for most of his waking moments and meeting the needs of Pk, my pretty much constant companion and, frankly, one of the loves of my life. I have so enjoyed her over the last few months, we can do so much together and while she has done a really great job of adjusting to being a big sister, at times, she seems really lost and hurt and, at times we are seeing the results in her behaviour. I have heard of other mothers with the same struggle and thankfully, there was a great article in Mothering a few months ago about the struggles in transitioning from one to two that prepared me a bit for the pain and guilt.

I have tried all of the usual things and a few of the less usual. I have learned to multitask even more than I had in the past - nursing and reading, nursing and doing puzzles, nursing and attempting to change diapers... it helps but whatever anyone says, it isn't enough, at least, not in this house. We have taken Pk on some special outings, everyone who has brought a gift for the baby has been incredibly thoughtful and has included Pk and we have tried to involve her in in caring for both her brother and for her own baby. It's been interesting to see the results.

One thing that was a complete flop was trying to look at photos together. Much of Baby Bean's baby gear is stuff that we used for Pk and she asks almost constantly about whether she used something and parrots back the responses we have given her (I constantly hear "You fed me milk from your body ALL THE TIME?"). I thought it might help her to see photos of us doing things for her as an infant and us using the stuff for her. That was a disaster. She couldn't grasp that the pics were of her and it seemed to reinforce for her that Baby Bean was the centre of our universe.

I have tried to have Dh take Baby for a bit in the afternoon and she and I do some of our "homeschooling" activities. She enjoys that and we have done some fun things but I have to say, more power to anyone who homeschools. Pk is not a risk taker and when she feels confident, she will happily do something but otherwise, she digs in and gets stubborn and it drives me CRAZY. She knows all the letters, many of their sounds and, at just shy of 3 years old, is now developing her sight vocab and writing several letters of the alphabet. On the other hand, she hates numbers and counting and refuses to do almost anything with that. I know it will come because she was exactly the same with colours and then woke up one day and knew them all but I want it to happen NOW. Amazing when you think that at work, I am known for being an incredibly patient teacher who works well with special ed. kids!

The three things that have worked best at continuing to connect have surprised me a bit. The first, which makes things complicated, is that she is still in bed with me. I say with me as opposed to with us because I sleep with the kids and Dh is in Pk's bed. It doesn't make for good sleep for me but she seems to really, really need that connection at night. I don't mind for now but it will have to change eventually when I have more will and more strength.

The second, that has come to be something that I really enjoy, is that we go for walks. I bought a used Joovy Caboose from Craigslist and it was one of the most wonderful ideas I have had. If you haven't seen one, it's a tandem stroller where the baby's seat clips in the front section and directly behind is a combination riding platform and seat for an older child. Pk can get on and off at will and while she never sits, she loves to stand and watch the world go by and I get exercise that I wouldn't get if I were waiting for her to catch up. We have explored the neighbourhood, talking about houses we like, pretty gardens, looking at leaves and visiting with neighbours. She helps me check our mailbox and post letters. We have wonderful chats and since Baby Bean is asleep in the front, we can really talk.

The third is that we have started to try to build a sense of her as a "big girl" like mummy. As you probably know if you have been here much, I don't think much of the idea of children wearing make-up and in my world, nailpolish counts as make-up. I was a bit concerned when she came home from daycare one day with polish on her toenails that the older girls had put on. I debated what to do about it but decided that toes go into shoes and socks and I didn't want to risk losing a wonderful daycare situation based on that. Pk noticed that I somethings wear polish on my toes and asked me to do hers, too. After some thought and conferring with dh, we decided that it wasn't a big deal and mummy/Pk pedicures have become a weekly event. We even took her to the store and let her choose the polish colour (hence the photo above). We also bought her a cross necklace to wear in honour of the anniversary of her baptism last year and she is wearing that daily. She wanted one because I wear one and now, at least once a day, she draws my attention to the fact that we "are the same."

Motherhood so often perplexed/concerns/frustrates me and makes me feel completely inept and then we find a way through. I wouldn't change a minute of it!

Spoiling Myself

I am trying to be better with money but after Baby Bean was born, I treated myself to two things that I have been wanting (neither of which is terribly expensive). The first was a wonderful little Etsy purchase (I LOVE Etsy and love the idea that I am supporting small crafters). Pk loves playing with my earrings and I couldn't find any pairs. I don't have a lot of time to look so I wanted some kind of an earring stand. I found this one from Tammnoony, who is in Israel. The price was great and her shipping was super fast. It's really helped me to get organized.

My second purchase is something I have been looking for quite a long time. I have eyed Lisa Leonard designs and she had several pieces I was thinking about buying. This one, the family tree necklace, seemed a perfect gift for myself after Baby Bean was born. It's the tree with the names of your immediate family members. If I do say so myself, it's lovely and it's a nice reminder of what my most important job is. Now, I need to save to buy a few other treats from her site!