Church

Do you ever have a blog post that just keeps spinning around in your head?  For me, they usually appear in the early morning, when I am out walking the dogs.  I find myself composing and by the time I get home and am faced with the up and demanding kidlets and the requirements of the day, much of what I wanted to say is gone.  In this case, this post has been bouncing around in my head for a while for forgive me, I'm going to give it a try.

I've been struggling on the subject of church for a while now.  I should probably define that more clearly.  I have no trouble with the greater "church" - the fellowship of all believers, the world over, who all join together to glorify and worship God and to join together in our belief in a risen saviour.  I'm good with that kind of church.  Like so many these days, though, it's the local church that causes me so much confusion and guilt.

Some of it comes from a few blog posts I have read lately, especially these two:
This one by Geoff Seurat and and this one that appeared in Christianity Today.  They both hit on exactly the area with which I have been struggling for a while now.

I am lucky in one sense.  I grew up with parents who were church outlaws, which meant that early on, I was able to separate church from Christians.  I knew that the people who made up the church were human beings and fallible and that whatever they did, it didn't mean that God was any less.  We were always outsiders - my parents' social justice politics and commitment to the message of the Sermon on the Mount made a lot of people uncomfortable.  They were always a bit "weird" to some people and the churches we attended always had wonderful ministers of integrity who blessed us with the message of love and compassion (and left-wing politics and anti-war positions!)  While we were always different, I learned early that you could be part of the church and yet not always agree.  We were not typical and my parents often were viewed as outsiders or rebels.  As a child, I was o.k. with that because for me, church was my grandma passing Lifesavers down the pew to us during the sermon and music that I loved and the smell of candles during Advent.  It was a safe place to be told by old ladies that we were special and I was too small to know and understand how hard it can be to not be truly accepted at church.

I hit my teenage years and I hit that lack of acceptance at church hard.  We went to an inner-city mainline church.   I don't know what those kids actually believed but the kids in the youth group that I knew never showed any signs of faith and youth group was purely social.  We didn't talk about faith and Christian music was for weird kids.  I was an introvert and I wasn't especially interested in their kind of partying so it wasn't long until I left.  Luckily for me, a Lutheran pastor with a gentle yet challenging midweek Communion service on campus in university led me to start thinking that church, in some form, would be something that I might want or even need, as part of my life.

I met my husband and got to see a new side of church - a side that impressed me a bit but also scared me a lot.  He grew up in the Salvation Army and for him, church was his extended family.  People lived there - there were always activities and they all camped together and played together and lived life together.  That sense of belonging that I had always felt was missing?  It was there, all right, if I was willing to fit the mould.  Sadly for me, my parents strong teaching that certain aspects of the Gospel message couldn't be ignored, even if they were inconvenient, kept me from feeling like I really belonged.  While the people were kind and truly committed to the message that EVERYONE mattered to God, I just couldn't fit in a church (remember, I was a big city kid who had only ever attended mainline churches and this was hard core small town) where everyone had to hold the same views and those views meant that a great deal of the world was condemned.  You didn't ask questions and you didn't disagree with the party line.  I had grown up with the love message but without the legalistic, anti-gay, end-times theology which scared the crap out of me when I ran into it (and, which I might add, has largely left Dh's parents church in the twenty+ years we have been together).

Since then, Dh and I have wandered a bit.  We attended a terrific city church for several years.  It was a mainline church with many of the mainline problems (such as being trapped in 1948 in many ways and it was struggling to be relevant to its challenged, changing urban neighbourhood).  What saved that church was a minister who was willing to let things move in the way that they needed to and several amazing Filipino families with a faith so deep and so overarching that it brought us all in.  Then, we moved  out of the city and it got harder again.  We tried several churches where we were the only people under 70, a couple that, after quite a few weeks, nobody had spoken to us and finally, one that we thought might be "the one" until someone made what turned out to be an untrue allegation against the minister that led to the dissolution of his ministry and the breakdown of his family and a congregation that was so quick to judge that Dh said that he could never go back - he said he felt like people would start shouting, "Crucify Him!" during the service.

I started to really question whether I would ever find my tribe and to be honest, as I get older, I am finding that more and more important to me.  I've come to the conclusion that I will never entirely belong in a church - my parents have taught me to question too much and to study too much and a theology that is too easy or too black and white or too trite or too judgemental just doesn't feel like God to me.  Yup, I am judgemental but when I sit in a church and I hear a message that is self-congradulatory or condemning of others or factually incorrect (that one REALLY gets me, I can't handle that - I come from a tradition of pastor as teacher and if the teacher doesn't have his facts straight, something is wrong here), I feel like I am choking.  I have decided, to a large extend, that my "tribe" is online - there are several Christian bloggers, like Rachel Held Evans, Megan at SortaCrunchy, Sarah Bessey and, to a lesser extend, Donald Miller (whose book, Searching for God Knows What was the biggest faith "Aha!" moment of my life - his message that the Bible needs to be seen relationally or it becomes everything that its critics accuse it of being) have helped me to see that I am not entirely crazy and that wonderful people with deep faith walks CAN have issues with the church.  I have joined an online Bible study group that I adore and while I regret that I am not as active in that as I want to be, those women are mentors and models to me and I learn so much from them.  I am not alone and it's o.k. to be shocked by the disconnect between Christians and church.

That all being said, though, I am strangely not able to entirely abandon the idea that I want to belong to a local church and that's led to a great deal of struggle for me.

We were members at a wonderful (for us) church not too far from here for several years.  The church met in an arena viewing area and it was so uncomplicated - people loved and worships and sang and spent time together and then we packed up until the next week.  We loved it and for a while, we really felt that we belonged.  There were terrific small groups and we felt part of things and had conversations that I had wanted to have at church for years but hadn't been able to have.  Somewhere along the way (after the church was build, I think and after I had my daughter), it changed for me.  I couldn't be a part of small groups anymore because of my life and I was becoming more and more involved in work at the church.  I wanted to contribute and I wanted to build the church but I also was feeling more and more torn about how to balance life as a working mother and my job and my church commitments.  I started to feel that I was sinking and I was trying to tell people that and people weren't hearing me.  Maybe it was me not being clear enough but especially during the last two years, when anxiety and overwhelm and, frankly, I think, clinical depression, started to get their claws into me and I kept trying to say that I was struggling, I felt like the message was, "That's too bad… we need you to come to this meeting or arrange for someone to cover Sunday school" or, even worse, at times, "Well, maybe you are just too busy and you need to focus more on church", or, worst of all, "Well, I used to feel that way so I quit my job and now I'm a stay at home mom and I'm so fulfilled and life is great" (and, I have to say it, the mom who said that skips church for most of the winter because her kids are at hockey).  It felt as if the contributions I was making outside of church didn't count (I have baked for the town A.A. meeting for the last four years, EVERY SINGLE WEEK, I have arranged major food/money donations for two different families with children with critical illnesses and I have tried to maintain my job and my family).  Also, as the demands of being a mother increased and I tried to balance my desire to be a committed mom to my kids with the finding a way to be active in the church, that there just wasn't a place for me anymore.

So, here's my dilemma.  When I read the blog posts above (and in some conversations at church), I have really come away with the message that it is selfishness to say that I am not getting what I need from church.  To misquote a famous quotation, I "shouldn't ask what my church can do for me but only what I can do for my church."  I feel such guilt but at the same time, I can't help but feel that I came to a point where my experience of the local church was actually moving me further from God rather than closer.  I was never in worship because I was either teaching Sunday School or in the nursery with LB, who hated the nursery and wouldn't be left.  I couldn't attend a small group because they were all at times that didn't work for me.  I was being asked to attend meetings and plan things when I had been emphatic that I wasn't able to serve in that way.  Nobody asked me how I was doing, often few people spoke to me about anything other than church and I felt like an outsider.  I was hurt and I was overwhelmed and I was feeling very, very, very invisible.  It has really led me to ask the question, "Am I allowed to get anything out of church?  Is it too selfish to want a tiny bit for me?"

I don't know the answer to that question yet.  We've taken a break to worship elsewhere for the last several months and so far, it's really helped.  My kids love where we are going and BOTH of them go to Children's programming and I am getting to hear powerful preaching that leaves me changed and recharged.  I am helping out with several things but I also feel, at least at this point, like it's o.k. for me to say that I can't do more at this stage of my life.  I am attending a monthly women's group (that meets Friday night after our kids are down so I don't feel like I am taking away from my kids).  We have attended several family activities so I don't feel like I have to choose between family and church.  It's not perfect - this church has some conservative views that I struggle to accept and I haven't decided how much I can disagree before I have to go somewhere else.  I think the fact that this church comes out of a Mennonite tradition and values a lack of conflict and peace between believers goes a long way to help me because I do feel as though I won't be kicked out for believing that God loves gay people and that salvation is not mine to give out and that I choose to not make judgements on who is saved and who isn't (although there are a few "angry white men" types who will give me a dirty look).  I do miss the fact that while I had issues with my previous church, when a friend put her lesbian boss whose life partner was dying of brain cancer on the prayer list, nobody batted an eyelash and the prayers offered were heartfelt and compassionate - I'm not sure how that would be received in our new church.  My problem right now is that I still carry a load of guilt because I do worry that I have been too selfish in leaving the other church and that I have been too focused on what church can give me.  I'd love to love the local church and most of all, I'd love to feel like the local church accepts me.  I just don't know whether that will ever happen.

I guess I just have to decide how much it matters to me and to God… Is it wrong to feel like I deserve to feel a sense of belonging at church?

Intentional Week 1

We go back to school tomorrow after two weeks at home together.  I am feeling very sad about that fact tonight.  It's been so much fun to be home with my family and, I can honestly say, I'm managed to be fairly intentional about things.  We've made time for important things (such as visiting a favourite bookstore that is closing, playing outside together, going sledding twice and making a snowman) and I've had a chance to slow down a bit.  Going back and getting back into the insane pace of our "normal" life will be the true test of whether I can find a way to be more intentional.

Since I was feeling sad, I decided that I wanted to do something special to let the kids know that I care about them when they are at school.  I pondered it for a couple of days and then it came to me - I could make a special bracelet for each of them.  Rainbow loom bracelets are a big favourite with PK right now and I knew she'd love to have another one.  Then it came to me - I'd make a family set and each colour would represent something.  I mentioned it to DH and he even said he'd wear one (which floored me, this is not normally his "thing").  We have purple for Dh (his favourite colour), blue for LB (his fav), green for me (my fav), pink for Pk (her fav) and white for God.  I'm going to wear it with pride tomorrow and I can't wait to make sure that the kidlets know when I pick them up that I wore my bracelet all day and thought of them.

I honestly hope I can keep this up because at the moment, I feel very happy about it!

It Matters

I don't know about you but for me, sometimes, I feel as if nobody is noticing the little things I do to try and make things a bit more beautiful for those around me.  Young kids and the chaos that goes with them means that a lot gets lost in the shuffle and it's easy, as a mom, to feel as if one's efforts are invisible.

I had the nicest reminder today of how important the little things can be and that they are noticed.  Since she started school, three years ago, I started writing Pk a note every day in her lunch.  I usually include a picture (I do these on the computer) and each month is done on a theme, either of something that Pk loves, like My Little Pony, Rudolph, horses, our dogs or something that we share together (e.g., in December, each picture was somehow connected to the stories we were exploring for our Jesse Tree).  I don't see the notes once they go in her lunch and I just assumed that they get recycled.  Today, I learned what happens.  I was cleaning out her backpack to get ready for school on Monday.  Her teacher had asked each student to bring home pencil cases from desks and Pk had two.  I checked them to see if she needs anything.  The first one contained all of the items I expected - her scissors, her pencils, markers, etc.  The second one surprised me.  It was filled with paper.  I was shocked to see that every note I have written her this year was in the pencil case.  I asked her about it and she told me that she likes to save them so she can read them again.  That means more to me than I can ever say.  I feel so very lucky to be her mom!

2014

I make no promises that I will be around here much but at least today, I've had a chance to visit and I'm really excited.  It's been a terrific day - I sorted through my bookshelves (which were an abyss and which was like spending time with old, dear friends), we played games with the kids, we watched a movie together as a family and I even found time for a nap in the chair in the living room.  It was the kind of quiet day that we NEVER manage to have.  I couldn't think of a nicer way to start a new year (and a new year that ends in a 4, my favourite number!).

I also had a special treat this morning.  We have been forgetting to put see in our birdfeeder and two days ago, I remembered.  I didn't think we would have any visitors (usually, it takes a while for the birds to come back when I have been negligent).  I had such a pleasant surprise this morning:

I only managed to capture 2 but we had four cardinals who spent probably 30 minutes at the feeder (along with a persistent squirrel!) Cardinals are my favourite birds and given that I had a friend tell me a wonderful story about cardinals who are a sign of God's presence, it seemed like a great way to start the year.

Happy 2014!

Intentional

I can't believe that it's almost the end of 2013 and I have been around here so little.  I'll be honest, I'm really looking forward to this year being done.  It's been a tough one for me.  It probably hasn't been the worst year of my life but it's been a year that has forced me to face some things that I tend to avoid at all costs and I'm feeling very battle scarred and worn down.  Sometimes, the new year brings some "I'd like to..." type resolutions that usually are lost by the middle of January.  This year, I am really looking forward to what can be a clean slate and a chance to live the life that I want to live and not to spend so much time brooding and worrying and just plain feeling sad.

We all have different things that we have trouble facing and for me, this year had them all.  There was a major job change (I'm still not sure whether it was for the better or not) that really, really rocked my confidence and working with people who are negative, frustrated and who really aren't interested in working on a team the way that I have in the past.  There was our sitter, who was like family to my kids, who suddenly and through no fault of ours, dropped us during the second week of school.  That might not seem like a bit deal to someone who hasn't gone through the agony of trying to find childcare that felt right but if you have ever had to do it, you will understand the stress of having to find new daycare literally on the spur of the moment (and with quite a lot of yucky emotional stuff involved in the situation).  There was a friendship that had become very toxic to me that became abundantly clear had to end - I couldn't handle the flying back and forth between outright antagonism and making demands of me and I was always on edge in terms of what to expect.  I avoid conflict at all costs and I was put into a situation in which I 1. had to finally directly say that I couldn't be the target for this person's misplaced anger anymore, 2.  felt a bit let down by some friends in our circle who could see that this person was not treating me well but since the person wasn't doing it to them, basically just stayed out of it (which I KNOW was unfair of me - it wouldn't have been fair for them to take sides but it still hurt that it was only me that seemed to get the anger) and 3.  this person's child was a good friend of my daughter and I have had to deal with some difficulty in trying to explain to my daughter why she is no longer included and why parties are being held that involve all of her friends and my daughter is not invited.  I've been really struggling since the final conflict with how to be - this is a small town and we will encounter each other.  I don't want to have a festering wound and I don't think I'm angry at her (I've prayed about this a lot to be able to forgive and I'm struggling with seeing the difference between forgiveness and allowing myself to be hurt by some really unpleasant things).  We also have had a great deal of heartache on the church front this year, with the church that has been our home for the last 7 or 8 years no longer feeling like the welcoming place of growth for us and becoming a place where we felt left outside and not really accepted, other than to work.  In many ways, that has been the hardest thing for me.  Church has always been a second home to me and an extended family.  I have felt very guilty at the prospect of possibly leaving (we are still saying "if" rather than "when" in terms of officially leaving) and potentially hurting some people that we really care about.  At the same time, our kids have become really involved in a local church through VBS, Awana and the kids' choir and we have fallen in love with the preaching, the fact of connecting with Christians in our own community and people who values in terms of family and parenting are the same as ours and going to church without all of the emotional bagged that we have gathered in the other situation.  I'm feeling like I've been avoiding making decisions and addressing things that weren't working and God left me with no choice and in many ways at once.

The biggest sensation I have had this year is one of my life being out of control.  Instead of having a plan and sticking to the way that I wanted to live, I've been dragged along behind each crisis, in damage control mode and making decisions without thinking them through first.  I am often going to bed feeling worried that I have let people down, waking feeling a sense of dread of what is potentially coming as fallout of what has come before, spending my little quiet time brooding over whether I have done enough to try to make things work, whether I might have hurt someone inadvertently or feeling sad that I have not done something that I wanted to do, particularly in terms of reaching out to the people most important to me.  I'm tired of feeling that way and my big goal for 2014 is to live my life differently.

In the past, I have liked the idea of having a word for the year.  Some of my favourite faith bloggers have written about it and I love the idea.  I won't lie, I don't always live it out the word that I want to but I am going to try again.  My word for 2014?  I have pondered this for a few weeks now and this is what keeps coming to me:

Intentional

I want my word for the year to be "Intentional" and I want to live that way.  I want to spend some time first thing in the morning in prayer and journaling, focused on what is most important to me and taking that into my day.  I can't change how other people behave, I can't always make everyone happy as much as I try and I can't always make situations into what I think that they should be.  What I can do is to be aware of the things that mean most to me and to make my decisions so that they are in keeping with what I value.  My husband has a great saying that he uses to direct how he lives his life - he "goes to bed at night making sure that his side of the street is clean" - making decisions that he feels respect the people around him, reaching out and helping when he can, behaving graciously to others regardless of whether they deserve it and then, he moves on.  I would like to try to live that way.  I would like to slow my decisions down, to take some time to reflect and to go to bed at night knowing that the people I love know that they are loved, that my children feel securely loved, that I have reached out to offer help to anyone that I can, that my students feel happy to learn and safe in our classroom, that my home is a place of welcome for those who enter into it and that I don't waste time and emotional energy on toxic people and situations over which I have little or no control.  It sounds so straightforward when I write it here but I know that it will be anything but simple for me and that if I manage to achieve it, there will be a great deal of growth that will have to happen along the way.  

My current values:

1.  That the people I care about know that I care about them and am never to busy to be here for them when they need me

2.  Making time for my faith and always striving to live the way that I believe God calls me to live

3.  Caring for those in need, whether I know them or not

4.  That I try my best at my work (but that I worry less about being "the best" but focus more on making wonderful educational experiences for my students

5.  That I strive to create some time in our family schedule for quiet time together, time enjoying each other and just "being" at home

6.  Building connections with the people who build me up and striving to spend as little time and emotional energy as possible with those whose negativity turn me into someone that I don't want to be

7.  live slowly enough to notice the rich blessings that surround me (and making time for my gratitude journal daily to help me to maintain awareness of what matters most to me)

8.  look for ways to make wonderful memories for my friends and family in simple ways that take advantage of the many blessings that I enjoy

It's almost certain that I will add to this list but for now, this is my starting point.  Wish me luck.  I'd really like to be sitting down at this point next year feeling like I have begun to master my anxiety and to live at a pace that allows me to really make to most of each day I am given.

I hope that everyone who is making resolutions is able to find your path and achieve the dreams that you have for yourself and those amazing dreams that God dreams for you!

Fall Bucket List

 I love the fall!  It's always been my favourite season - the smells, the rich colours and the warmth of the sunlight all make my heart sing, especially from the end of September to the end of October.  I'm trying to make all kinds of wonderful fall memories for my children, as well.

In honour of fall, the kids and I sat down to make up our fall bucket list for this year.  Little man is easy - he wants to mini-golf and play cars.  Pk, on the other hand, is starting to appreciate the special aspects of fall that really don't fit any other time of year.  We've already knocked a few of these things off but we have lots to go:

-go to the park
-rake the leaves into a big pile and jump
-try pumpkin butter (I'm going to try this recipe, I think!)
-take a pictures of the kids with lots of pumpkins (although sadly, the pumpkin farm we have always used has been sold for development so we are going to need to find a new location)
-go to the farm to which we have a membership and do some playing
-try oatmeal recipes for cozy breakfasts
-try to have one family "stay home" day
-make pumpkin rocks (some fun I saw on Pinterest)
-make hot chocolate
-go trick or treating and dress up as a family

Happy fall!

Morning

I confess the horrible truth.  I am a morning person.

Please allow me to qualify that.  What I am not is a person who jumps out of bed, singing "Rise and Shine and Give God the Glory," eager to have everyone up with me.  You can stop rolling your eyes now.  I know, we morning people are hated by just about everyone else.  I'm with you - I don't get "that" kind of morning person at all.

Me, I'm a lover of quiet, of solitude.  I love the fact that when I wake up, my mind is clear and hasn't been crowded by all of the frustrations, irritations and noise of the day.  Nobody wants to talk to me (since the people with whom I live are NOT morning people) and the largest demand placed on me is from one or all of my dogs, wanting to be taken out.

I am currently reading the most wonderful book, Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.  I am loving this book.  I read a chapter the other night that had me wanting to phone everyone I know to tell them about how it impressed upon me.  She was citing research by Kagan about "high-reactive" and "low-reactive" infants and the connection of that to introversion.  Introverts are often "high-reactive" meaning that they are very sensitive to all of the stimuli around them.  That's me (and Pk, for sure).  I notice everything and the background noise makes life very overwhelming sometimes.

Then, there's morning.  It's like the background noise has been turned down on life.  I have taken to running in the very early morning and I feel as if there is this wonderful secret town out there - a town of wandering cats, squirrels and skunks.  It's a time of day when I am able to hear the intensity of the crickets and the grasshoppers.  I smell the smells - the faint smell of cows up by one field, the wildflowers in another and, always in the early morning, the small whiffs of skunk.  I can hear the sound of the rushing stream as I jog by and even, on some days, the lowing of the cattle.

I get to see another side of the human inhabitants of the town, too.  I've always been a 9-5er so I assume nobody is up a this time but me.  How wrong I am.  There are the fellow runners and we nod at each other.  There is the man down the road who leaves each morning wearing his safety vest and carrying his lunchbox, walking to the corner to get his morning ride.  There is the one bus that goes by in the half hour of my run, usually with only one passenger.  There is the first wave of dog walkers - generally those with small dogs on leash (those of us with bigger and busier dogs wait until later when the risk of rabbits and skunks has passed).  There are the many  who commute or who run their own businesses who are out early to get a head start on the day.  It's a wonderful time for watching.

My ideal morning, I think, would consist of a run, a shower and then, a cup of tea and a good book on the deck with my family all still asleep.  I crave that peace and on the rare occasions that my morning begins the way that I dream, I go into my day with so much more focus and calm.

Good morning!