International Women's Day

I wouldn't call myself a feminist but in some ways, I suppose I am.  I find myself to be such a mix of traditional and... I don't know... what word do I want?  I love the traditional structure of my family and I wouldn't change a thing but that doesn't necessarily mean that I believe my way is the "right" way or the "only" way.  I do feel strongly about monogamy and that children do best growing up in a family with two involved parents but how many kids grow up in "optimal" homes and so many homes that are not what we define as "optimal" end up doing a much better job of parenting than many homes that meet the traditional definition.

There's been so much in the media lately and on social media especially about gender identity.  I find it really hard sometimes.  It's not my job to judge and I feel as if I want to be so careful that everyone feels that they have a place in the world and that nobody feels isolated and alone.  At certain points, though, it gets hard.  I read about a school board that wanted its teachers to begin to avoid using "exclusive" terms such as "husband and wife" and "father and mother."  While I want to have everyone feel included, even I, who is pretty easy going about that kind of thing, began to get my back up just a little bit.  I don't mind calling you whatever you want to be called and I will recognize my obligation to treat you with respect and dignity, regardless of whether your choices are the same as mine or not.  That being said, I start to balk a bit when I start to feel as if I am being told that I am not allowed to be called by the labels by which I identify myself.

So, what does that label of "woman" mean to me?  It means identifying with the many heroines in my family who came before me.  They were ministers wives who made do with very little but managed to create beauty and comfort anyway.  They were women who worked HARD with very little complaining and who were the backbones of their families (and in no way do I view that as a subservient position).  They met everyone's needs, they brought comfort and they kept their families together through crisis after crisis.  They suffered loss (including several losses of children) and cruelty and fear, yet they kept going.  There was my great-grandmother who, during the 30's, always had a meal for the homeless men who came through on the trains.  When she was criticized for it and told that they probably weren't really needy, her constant response was that "the very one I turn away would be the one who needed it most."  She lost two daughters before coming to Canada and had to leave everything familiar behind to come to "the new country" and start over.  There was my grandmother who spent her early adult years working on the docks in Montreal, helping new arrivals to Canada to find shelter and food and who, for years as a minister's wife, dealt with everyone's expectations of her and supported my grandfather through some horrible times, including the loss of a child.  There is my mom who fought courageously during the civil rights movement in the 1960's and against war during the 1970's and who faced intense criticism and who was often the primary breadwinner as well as caretaker at home, while my dad was sick and unable to work.  They were all loving mothers who held their children close and who somehow managed to raise us during all kinds on instability and yet we always felt loved and cherished.  They were bright, they were fierce, they were gentle, they were capable and they were faithful.  They sacrificed and they gave of themselves.  In some subtle ways, they were pioneers and they worked to create a world in which compassion was valued and hard work was important.  Everyone did their part and a family was something to be valued beyond gold.

I think to be a woman means to work hard.  In many cases, it is outside of the home and then coming home to work hard there, too.  It usually means being the primary caretaker of the young children and the person who manages everyone's needs.  It means being resilient and capable and at times, fierce.  I see the courage of so many women the world over, whether it is the mother in Africa who is struggling to meet the needs of her children despite her own battle with AIDS, the girls in Afghanistan who are courageously trying to go to school or whether it is the girls here in Canada who are trying to find their way in a world inundated with messages that tell they they are fat, they are stupid and that their sole value is as a sexual object.  Being a woman means to struggle, to face opposition, to feel tired.  Being a woman means that "you can be anything" but you are also expected to be everything, too.  It means enjoying the deepest, richest friendships and the cruelest nastiness.  It might mean motherhood, it might mean being a wife or it might mean a life on one's own.  It often means being a caretaker for one's children and/or one's parents.  It's a life of work and a life of rich reward.

I am proud to be a woman and I feel so blessed to have so many examples of such impressive women around me.  I see achievement in so many forms (as scholars, as teachers, as workers, as caretakes, as lovers, as parents) and I just feel so very lucky to have the chance to experience so much of this myself and to have so many amazing role models around me.  As we celebrate International Women's Day, I just feel so lucky to have so many incredible women in my life and to be part of such an amazing sisterhood. 

The Fringe Hours - Ch. 5 - Finding Your Inspiration

Ooooh, I loved this chapter.  I am a list maker, I LOVE making lists and I've always had notebooks of lists of every kind kicking around my world (I think it comes from when I read Anastasia K. by Lois Lowrey in public school!)  Anyway, today I read chapter five, which was all about finding out how to care for yourself and what are the things that make you happy.  She had all kinds of questions about what makes one tick and I thought I might list some of them here, just for fun.

Hobbies I have enjoyed in the past:
-knitting (still one one my favourites)
-quilting (I'd love to do more but I have to get some sewing skills under my belt)
-cross stitch (I just don't have the time for this and I'm too impatient)
-scrapbooking (I want to go back to the days when I just stuck things that we did in a book and maybe wrote a few comments and kept momentos - I got too caught up in all the cool bling and it actually really turned me off why I was doing it)
-drinking tea
-blogging/reading blogs
-gardening
-hiking with my dogs
-field work/training with the dogs
-reading (going to the library and browsing and the excitement of a pile of books waiting to be read is definitely one of my favourite things)
-walking
-music - playing/listening to classical, jazz
-baking/cooking
-creating/crafting more generally
-anything to do with birds
-vintage/second hand shopping

Inspiration Board:
The idea is to create a board of things that somehow are inspiring, either as an actual board or on Pinterest.  I haven't been using Pinterest for much other than teaching stuff lately.  I'm thinking that I'd like to set up an inspiration board and I'll start pinning anything that tickles my fancy there to see if it gets me connecting to what I love.  To get me going, here's a list of my favourite things, randomly:
 -plaid wool blankets
-tea and teapots
-books, books and books
-perfume
-foxes
-dogs
-horse barns (I love the quiet and the smells)
-cable knitting
-fires
-fall
-picking apples
-pink English roses
-sweet peas
-fresh veggies
-homemade soup
-cozy socks
-nice body lotion
-Romantic era classical music
-vintage jazz
-historical documentaries
-hunt tests (a dog thing)
-Brittany Spaniels/ hunting dogs
-cats
-evening church services
-Christmas Eve
-the smell of the Christmas tree
-cardinals
-birds at my feeder
-open water

Reading my lists makes me feel that I'm rather boring but at least there's the start of two lists for me to help me recapture what I'd like to be doing.  What would be on your list?  I'd love other ideas!

Going Shopping

I've recently begun a new...well... my husband would call it an obsession.  I love the idea of shopping and I never have the money and frankly, I am just not patient enough and get so frustrated that it never lives up to its billing.  However, I have found my niche - buy and sell shopping!

Our tiny town (about 4 thousand people) has several "buy and sell" pages on Facebook and I have become addicted.  Back in January, I sold all kinds of stuff and I have a bunch of other stuff to go, still.  It's great because unlike a yard sale, which I find to be so much work for so little reward, I can post one thing a day and it actually gets to the people who might be interested.  It also feels kind of nice - I always sell very cheaply (as my husband reminds me when I debate prices, the idea is to get it gone, not so much to make money).  It's nice to think that some of the things worn or played with by my kidlets that we will no longer use are giving pleasure to another little one.  I also have a bit of a joke with a few other teachers I know in town - "So, was that a teacher gift?" when they try to sell a particularly strong (and not suited to the seller perfume or when I was selling "Married with Children: Season 13" (I still shudder a bit to think that a parent thought that was what it seemed I would like!)  I have a routine now - a laundry basket on the porch and I put the sold item in a ziplock bag labeled and into the basket and there's a mason jar for payment.  It's funny, there are so many of us in town selling now that most houses with kids have a jar or a wipes container or a plastic container with "thank you!" or something similar on the box.

I've also had so much fun buying!  We've gotten several things - an extra snowsuit for LB, throw cushions for the couch that match the others ones I've got, a Partylite candle holder, a terrific pair of shoes, three seasons of The Black Stallion on DVD for Pk.  It's fun to show and to know that I am not doing anything bad for the environment and the money is going to neighbours.  It's nice to have some new things without going retail and it's been a lot of fun getting good deals without having to leave home!

Yarn Along

I am so grateful!  I have been lugging my knitting around with me in the car since January but when I take the kids to skating lessons, etc., I end up not bothering with getting it out.  Since last week's Yarn Along post, I've been knitting a fair bit and I've actually gotten a noticeable amount finished on my wrap!  Last week, I was about a third of the way done and now, I am over half way there!  Hooray!  My only problem is that since I have been following the Yarn Along, I am pinning patterns all over the place for other things to make.  This could get expensive.  I love to see what everyone else is doing and I've been inspired!  To see the main Yarn Along page, click this link and thank you to the host - it's such fun!

In terms of reading, I've had two major targets for reading and one other than I am dabbling with.  I am participating in the Bloom in-courage book club on the book The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner.  It's challenged me a bit and it's a bit uncomfortable for me in places but clearly she gets people like me and if I am going to get anything to come of it, I am going to have to find a way to release some of what I am holding onto.  It's not always easy but it's good for me.

I'm also keeping going with the Louise Penny book The Long Way Home.  If you like mysteries, you can't do better, especially if you like character development (and I am a big fan of recurrent characters).  She's brilliant AND she's Canadian!  The only problem I am having is that I am so tired by the time I get to bed that I keep falling asleep when I am reading and losing my page.

Finally,  our minister is doing a series on the personality of Jesus (it's been interesting) and he mentioned that he was basing some of it on John Eldredge's book Beautiful Outlaw.  I've been reading that, too, but much more slowly.  I think I like it but I'm too tired to think that much sometimes.  It has made me realise that I really, to a large degree, have two Jesus Christ's in my head - the radical who has shaped my outlook and the "gentle Jesus, meek and mild" who really isn't reflective of what the Bible had to say about Jesus.  It never occurred to me before, for instance, that Jesus was actually very funny. 

I've also been book buying, which is dangerous.  SheLoves, a great Christian women's blog (great, great, great!) has a book club, The Red Couch.  As I've said before, I'm a sucker for any kind of book club.  They release their selections by quarters so I have bought the books for March (last book in the first quarter) and the books for April and May.  Now, if I can only find the time to read them?  I'm hoping to start Found by Micha Boyett tonight.  It sounds marvelous!

What's on your needles?  Is there anything I have to read or that I should pin for later?

Opinions

I have them.  Lots of them.  They are very strongly held and at times, overwhelming.  I try to push them down and to be easy going and non-committal.  I fail miserably.

There are so many times that I lament being this way.  I don't think that people at work, for instance, would say that I am overly opinionated (other than a few people at work who are very opinionated and I have a problem with not being able to shut up and back down when someone is saying something stupid).  I hate upsetting people and so generally, I try to avoid spending too much time with people who get in my face so that I can't feel as if I can't avoid the conflict.  It does cut me off quite a bit though, since I avoid anything that I think is going to get me into a touchy situation.  My friends are carefully chosen - we don't have to agree (for instance, I have friends who cross the spectrum in terms of religious beliefs and that's just fine) but if you are one of those people who needs to make everyone else agree with you, I am not interested in being your friend.

It's amazing that I have survived in teaching as long as I have, because talk about a profession in which you deal with people with opinions!  There's nothing like an angry parent!  I've been really lucky in terms of the fact that I had some amazing teachers along the way who taught me that the secrets to having positive relationships with parents are 1.  always listen and reflect back that you have heard the concern, 2.  remember that often, you are dealing not with the parent sitting across from you but the child who that parent once was and who was made to feel inadequate by a teacher along the way 3.  never talk to parents to dump about their kids and 4.  always keep in mind that no matter how crazy the parent might seem to be, remember that he or she loves his or her child (even if it shows in strange ways sometimes).  Relationships with parents have been extremely good up until now (knock on wood) and I am generally pretty good at managing colleagues, too.

It's things like social media that seem to get me into trouble.  So often, I will post something wanting a discussion or some reassurance and it turns into something insane and upsetting and yet, I can't seem to back down.  On my Facebook page, there was a huge fight about vaccines (not because I am against them but because I feel that we need to respect each other and stop treating anti-vaccine people like complete idiots who are claiming the sun revolves around the earth), a fight about whether needing to hurt one's romantic partner is indicative of mental instability (and I'm sorry, I stand by that, if you need to inflict pain and degradation on your partner, I think you are a sick puppy and need help) and about whether children should be used to campaign for charities in public schools.  As the fur flies, I tell myself over and over again to just shut up, it's not worth the upset but somehow, I just can't keep quiet.  And if it's about "the lazy poor" or "stupid immigrants taking jobs" or "if they don't like that this is a Christian country, they should leave", I lose it completely.  I am so overwhelmed by my frustration at the wrongs.

So, the question for me is, is it a bad thing to have strong opinions?  I was accused of being opinionated by a "friend" who had the blackest of black and whitest of white opinions (and a complete lack of empathy for the fact that people make mistakes and that their realities are not always the same as hers).  I experienced her as being exactly what I described above - the person who was completely unable to agree to disagree and who couldn't leave it alone until she had "won."  It has made me so worried about being thought to be opinionated and I have been pondering that for a while.  I've come to the question, though - is it a bad thing to be the person who asks the pointed questions?  Is it a bad thing to keep a larger moral picture in mind, even if it makes other people uncomfortable?  Is it actually better to be the "easy" person all the time who lets everything go?

I don't have the answer to that at all.  For me, it's like so many other things in life - when I think of the women I admire most, they all have strong voices and I'm certain that they rub many people the wrong way.  They ask tough questions and keep their faith and their commitment to being salt and light on the earth at the forefront of all decisions.  Yup, they are not always comfortable to be around and they are not conformers.  At the same time, they speak truth in love and never seek to deliberately hurt of subjugate others. 

So, if I admire it in other people so much, why do I find it so hard to accept in myself?

LIttle Joys

I am grouchy tonight.  I'm tired and I don't do tired well and it was staff meeting day - yuck!  We have a meeting once a month for 75 minutes after school and I hate it.  At my new school (I changed schools after ten years this school year and I LOVE my new school and community and the best part is that Dh and I get to drive in together now since he works a short distance away so I can knit in the car).  Anyway, to finish that overly long sentence, while these staff meetings are so much better than in the past, I still find myself exhausted and grouchy.  It's a time thing.  When I have been away from the kids all day, I don't want to be away longer and it makes the evening routines and rituals so much more rushed.  Anyway, you don't want to hear me vent so let me go straight to the things for which I am grateful tonight to see if I can cheer myself up a bit!

1.  My slow cooker - My mom had one when I was a kid and I dreaded meals from it (it usually meant stew, which I loathed).  As a working mom, on the other hand, I LOVE it!  Doing the work early in the day fits much more with my body rhythm and coming in the door to the smell of food makes me almost feel as if some magic fairy has come and cooked for me while I was at work.  I love trying new recipes and while our repertoire of slow cooker recipes that we like is fairly limited, we definitely have enough to make things interesting.  It's been a real blessing with our farm share, as we've gotten some cuts of meat we had no idea how to use.

2.  Walking the dog - I'm really missing my sweet old thing but my younger girl who is still around has been so sweet since we lost Chelsea.  Lucie is clearly non-plused but it all but at the moment, she seems quite happy to be spoiled by all of us, who are missing Chelsea.  We didn't get in a big hike tonight because of the meeting but we did manage to get over to the school yard and to have a good walk there.  We also happened to be blessed with a gorgeous sunset and a hint in the air of spring not being too far away.  Hooray!

3.  Browsing blogs - I can't believe that I lost my contact with blogging for so long!  I've been browsing the Yarn Along posts for the last few days and it's been so much fun to see what other people are reading and knitting.  It's giving me so many plans!

I'll try not to be so grouchy tomorrow so I had better be off to bed!  Good night.

Weekends

I feel like I want to write a post but I really don't have anything to say.  It amazes me how different my weekends are from my work weeks (but no wonder I am so tired all the time)  Friday night was Pk to skating (her newest passion and I spend so much time at the rink) and a lovely conversation with a friend who has been in the periphery of our life for a while but who, now getting to spend 50 minutes freezing in a rink together each week, is becoming someone with whom I so enjoy chatting.  We go to church together and it was great to get to talk to someone a bit like me - a bit of a refugee from the mainline churches that are dying but who misses liturgy.  Saturday was working out, 15 minutes of prayer for our church 24 hours of prayer (and while it was lovely and meaningful, the dog felt the need to participate in my quiet time, so it had its challenges), skating again with girlie (and a visit with another friend at the rink, a hike with Lucie that was lovely (and it was FINALLY warm enough to enjoy being outside), a pony riding lesson with LB ("p is for pony" for our alphabet adventure), a visit to my SIL and her family in another town, followed by our favourite dinner.  Today, it was baking (cookies for the kids and Dh's meeting), church, a hike and tea with the dogs and a friend, and finally, the Ikea run (we have good friends who are almost two hours away and we have discovered that Ikea is exactly half way between us.  The kids love it, the food is cheap and we can linger... I also always end up buying little home things that weren't planned but at least it is cheap).  I'm going to sleep this evening exhausted (getting up in the morning should be fun) but with a sense of having really connected with some important people in my life.  I feel so very lucky.

Wishing you a wonderful week!