Intentional Week 1

We go back to school tomorrow after two weeks at home together.  I am feeling very sad about that fact tonight.  It's been so much fun to be home with my family and, I can honestly say, I'm managed to be fairly intentional about things.  We've made time for important things (such as visiting a favourite bookstore that is closing, playing outside together, going sledding twice and making a snowman) and I've had a chance to slow down a bit.  Going back and getting back into the insane pace of our "normal" life will be the true test of whether I can find a way to be more intentional.

Since I was feeling sad, I decided that I wanted to do something special to let the kids know that I care about them when they are at school.  I pondered it for a couple of days and then it came to me - I could make a special bracelet for each of them.  Rainbow loom bracelets are a big favourite with PK right now and I knew she'd love to have another one.  Then it came to me - I'd make a family set and each colour would represent something.  I mentioned it to DH and he even said he'd wear one (which floored me, this is not normally his "thing").  We have purple for Dh (his favourite colour), blue for LB (his fav), green for me (my fav), pink for Pk (her fav) and white for God.  I'm going to wear it with pride tomorrow and I can't wait to make sure that the kidlets know when I pick them up that I wore my bracelet all day and thought of them.

I honestly hope I can keep this up because at the moment, I feel very happy about it!

It Matters

I don't know about you but for me, sometimes, I feel as if nobody is noticing the little things I do to try and make things a bit more beautiful for those around me.  Young kids and the chaos that goes with them means that a lot gets lost in the shuffle and it's easy, as a mom, to feel as if one's efforts are invisible.

I had the nicest reminder today of how important the little things can be and that they are noticed.  Since she started school, three years ago, I started writing Pk a note every day in her lunch.  I usually include a picture (I do these on the computer) and each month is done on a theme, either of something that Pk loves, like My Little Pony, Rudolph, horses, our dogs or something that we share together (e.g., in December, each picture was somehow connected to the stories we were exploring for our Jesse Tree).  I don't see the notes once they go in her lunch and I just assumed that they get recycled.  Today, I learned what happens.  I was cleaning out her backpack to get ready for school on Monday.  Her teacher had asked each student to bring home pencil cases from desks and Pk had two.  I checked them to see if she needs anything.  The first one contained all of the items I expected - her scissors, her pencils, markers, etc.  The second one surprised me.  It was filled with paper.  I was shocked to see that every note I have written her this year was in the pencil case.  I asked her about it and she told me that she likes to save them so she can read them again.  That means more to me than I can ever say.  I feel so very lucky to be her mom!

2014

I make no promises that I will be around here much but at least today, I've had a chance to visit and I'm really excited.  It's been a terrific day - I sorted through my bookshelves (which were an abyss and which was like spending time with old, dear friends), we played games with the kids, we watched a movie together as a family and I even found time for a nap in the chair in the living room.  It was the kind of quiet day that we NEVER manage to have.  I couldn't think of a nicer way to start a new year (and a new year that ends in a 4, my favourite number!).

I also had a special treat this morning.  We have been forgetting to put see in our birdfeeder and two days ago, I remembered.  I didn't think we would have any visitors (usually, it takes a while for the birds to come back when I have been negligent).  I had such a pleasant surprise this morning:

I only managed to capture 2 but we had four cardinals who spent probably 30 minutes at the feeder (along with a persistent squirrel!) Cardinals are my favourite birds and given that I had a friend tell me a wonderful story about cardinals who are a sign of God's presence, it seemed like a great way to start the year.

Happy 2014!

Intentional

I can't believe that it's almost the end of 2013 and I have been around here so little.  I'll be honest, I'm really looking forward to this year being done.  It's been a tough one for me.  It probably hasn't been the worst year of my life but it's been a year that has forced me to face some things that I tend to avoid at all costs and I'm feeling very battle scarred and worn down.  Sometimes, the new year brings some "I'd like to..." type resolutions that usually are lost by the middle of January.  This year, I am really looking forward to what can be a clean slate and a chance to live the life that I want to live and not to spend so much time brooding and worrying and just plain feeling sad.

We all have different things that we have trouble facing and for me, this year had them all.  There was a major job change (I'm still not sure whether it was for the better or not) that really, really rocked my confidence and working with people who are negative, frustrated and who really aren't interested in working on a team the way that I have in the past.  There was our sitter, who was like family to my kids, who suddenly and through no fault of ours, dropped us during the second week of school.  That might not seem like a bit deal to someone who hasn't gone through the agony of trying to find childcare that felt right but if you have ever had to do it, you will understand the stress of having to find new daycare literally on the spur of the moment (and with quite a lot of yucky emotional stuff involved in the situation).  There was a friendship that had become very toxic to me that became abundantly clear had to end - I couldn't handle the flying back and forth between outright antagonism and making demands of me and I was always on edge in terms of what to expect.  I avoid conflict at all costs and I was put into a situation in which I 1. had to finally directly say that I couldn't be the target for this person's misplaced anger anymore, 2.  felt a bit let down by some friends in our circle who could see that this person was not treating me well but since the person wasn't doing it to them, basically just stayed out of it (which I KNOW was unfair of me - it wouldn't have been fair for them to take sides but it still hurt that it was only me that seemed to get the anger) and 3.  this person's child was a good friend of my daughter and I have had to deal with some difficulty in trying to explain to my daughter why she is no longer included and why parties are being held that involve all of her friends and my daughter is not invited.  I've been really struggling since the final conflict with how to be - this is a small town and we will encounter each other.  I don't want to have a festering wound and I don't think I'm angry at her (I've prayed about this a lot to be able to forgive and I'm struggling with seeing the difference between forgiveness and allowing myself to be hurt by some really unpleasant things).  We also have had a great deal of heartache on the church front this year, with the church that has been our home for the last 7 or 8 years no longer feeling like the welcoming place of growth for us and becoming a place where we felt left outside and not really accepted, other than to work.  In many ways, that has been the hardest thing for me.  Church has always been a second home to me and an extended family.  I have felt very guilty at the prospect of possibly leaving (we are still saying "if" rather than "when" in terms of officially leaving) and potentially hurting some people that we really care about.  At the same time, our kids have become really involved in a local church through VBS, Awana and the kids' choir and we have fallen in love with the preaching, the fact of connecting with Christians in our own community and people who values in terms of family and parenting are the same as ours and going to church without all of the emotional bagged that we have gathered in the other situation.  I'm feeling like I've been avoiding making decisions and addressing things that weren't working and God left me with no choice and in many ways at once.

The biggest sensation I have had this year is one of my life being out of control.  Instead of having a plan and sticking to the way that I wanted to live, I've been dragged along behind each crisis, in damage control mode and making decisions without thinking them through first.  I am often going to bed feeling worried that I have let people down, waking feeling a sense of dread of what is potentially coming as fallout of what has come before, spending my little quiet time brooding over whether I have done enough to try to make things work, whether I might have hurt someone inadvertently or feeling sad that I have not done something that I wanted to do, particularly in terms of reaching out to the people most important to me.  I'm tired of feeling that way and my big goal for 2014 is to live my life differently.

In the past, I have liked the idea of having a word for the year.  Some of my favourite faith bloggers have written about it and I love the idea.  I won't lie, I don't always live it out the word that I want to but I am going to try again.  My word for 2014?  I have pondered this for a few weeks now and this is what keeps coming to me:

Intentional

I want my word for the year to be "Intentional" and I want to live that way.  I want to spend some time first thing in the morning in prayer and journaling, focused on what is most important to me and taking that into my day.  I can't change how other people behave, I can't always make everyone happy as much as I try and I can't always make situations into what I think that they should be.  What I can do is to be aware of the things that mean most to me and to make my decisions so that they are in keeping with what I value.  My husband has a great saying that he uses to direct how he lives his life - he "goes to bed at night making sure that his side of the street is clean" - making decisions that he feels respect the people around him, reaching out and helping when he can, behaving graciously to others regardless of whether they deserve it and then, he moves on.  I would like to try to live that way.  I would like to slow my decisions down, to take some time to reflect and to go to bed at night knowing that the people I love know that they are loved, that my children feel securely loved, that I have reached out to offer help to anyone that I can, that my students feel happy to learn and safe in our classroom, that my home is a place of welcome for those who enter into it and that I don't waste time and emotional energy on toxic people and situations over which I have little or no control.  It sounds so straightforward when I write it here but I know that it will be anything but simple for me and that if I manage to achieve it, there will be a great deal of growth that will have to happen along the way.  

My current values:

1.  That the people I care about know that I care about them and am never to busy to be here for them when they need me

2.  Making time for my faith and always striving to live the way that I believe God calls me to live

3.  Caring for those in need, whether I know them or not

4.  That I try my best at my work (but that I worry less about being "the best" but focus more on making wonderful educational experiences for my students

5.  That I strive to create some time in our family schedule for quiet time together, time enjoying each other and just "being" at home

6.  Building connections with the people who build me up and striving to spend as little time and emotional energy as possible with those whose negativity turn me into someone that I don't want to be

7.  live slowly enough to notice the rich blessings that surround me (and making time for my gratitude journal daily to help me to maintain awareness of what matters most to me)

8.  look for ways to make wonderful memories for my friends and family in simple ways that take advantage of the many blessings that I enjoy

It's almost certain that I will add to this list but for now, this is my starting point.  Wish me luck.  I'd really like to be sitting down at this point next year feeling like I have begun to master my anxiety and to live at a pace that allows me to really make to most of each day I am given.

I hope that everyone who is making resolutions is able to find your path and achieve the dreams that you have for yourself and those amazing dreams that God dreams for you!

Fall Bucket List

 I love the fall!  It's always been my favourite season - the smells, the rich colours and the warmth of the sunlight all make my heart sing, especially from the end of September to the end of October.  I'm trying to make all kinds of wonderful fall memories for my children, as well.

In honour of fall, the kids and I sat down to make up our fall bucket list for this year.  Little man is easy - he wants to mini-golf and play cars.  Pk, on the other hand, is starting to appreciate the special aspects of fall that really don't fit any other time of year.  We've already knocked a few of these things off but we have lots to go:

-go to the park
-rake the leaves into a big pile and jump
-try pumpkin butter (I'm going to try this recipe, I think!)
-take a pictures of the kids with lots of pumpkins (although sadly, the pumpkin farm we have always used has been sold for development so we are going to need to find a new location)
-go to the farm to which we have a membership and do some playing
-try oatmeal recipes for cozy breakfasts
-try to have one family "stay home" day
-make pumpkin rocks (some fun I saw on Pinterest)
-make hot chocolate
-go trick or treating and dress up as a family

Happy fall!

Morning

I confess the horrible truth.  I am a morning person.

Please allow me to qualify that.  What I am not is a person who jumps out of bed, singing "Rise and Shine and Give God the Glory," eager to have everyone up with me.  You can stop rolling your eyes now.  I know, we morning people are hated by just about everyone else.  I'm with you - I don't get "that" kind of morning person at all.

Me, I'm a lover of quiet, of solitude.  I love the fact that when I wake up, my mind is clear and hasn't been crowded by all of the frustrations, irritations and noise of the day.  Nobody wants to talk to me (since the people with whom I live are NOT morning people) and the largest demand placed on me is from one or all of my dogs, wanting to be taken out.

I am currently reading the most wonderful book, Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.  I am loving this book.  I read a chapter the other night that had me wanting to phone everyone I know to tell them about how it impressed upon me.  She was citing research by Kagan about "high-reactive" and "low-reactive" infants and the connection of that to introversion.  Introverts are often "high-reactive" meaning that they are very sensitive to all of the stimuli around them.  That's me (and Pk, for sure).  I notice everything and the background noise makes life very overwhelming sometimes.

Then, there's morning.  It's like the background noise has been turned down on life.  I have taken to running in the very early morning and I feel as if there is this wonderful secret town out there - a town of wandering cats, squirrels and skunks.  It's a time of day when I am able to hear the intensity of the crickets and the grasshoppers.  I smell the smells - the faint smell of cows up by one field, the wildflowers in another and, always in the early morning, the small whiffs of skunk.  I can hear the sound of the rushing stream as I jog by and even, on some days, the lowing of the cattle.

I get to see another side of the human inhabitants of the town, too.  I've always been a 9-5er so I assume nobody is up a this time but me.  How wrong I am.  There are the fellow runners and we nod at each other.  There is the man down the road who leaves each morning wearing his safety vest and carrying his lunchbox, walking to the corner to get his morning ride.  There is the one bus that goes by in the half hour of my run, usually with only one passenger.  There is the first wave of dog walkers - generally those with small dogs on leash (those of us with bigger and busier dogs wait until later when the risk of rabbits and skunks has passed).  There are the many  who commute or who run their own businesses who are out early to get a head start on the day.  It's a wonderful time for watching.

My ideal morning, I think, would consist of a run, a shower and then, a cup of tea and a good book on the deck with my family all still asleep.  I crave that peace and on the rare occasions that my morning begins the way that I dream, I go into my day with so much more focus and calm.

Good morning!

What IS Church?

This is a question that has been on my mind for a while now.  Our church has had a big campaign on that they are calling Abundant Blessings.  I totally understand what they are trying to do but it has rubbed me the wrong way since it began back in April.  The overall message is that we have been so richly blessed by God, we need to give back to Him from the riches with which we have been blessed -  not just gifts of material wealth but of time and talents, as well.  That part of the message doesn't bother me - of course, as Christians, we are stewards of the things God has given us and we need to use them to His glory.  My stumbling block is the part of the message that we need to give it back "to His church".

When I hear this message, I hear, very definitely, to THIS church, this congregation.  I sometimes feel as if it gives carte blanche for endless requests and I find myself resisting that.  I think that anyone would tell you that I am quick to step up when there is need, including at church.  I think my resentment comes into it a bit when I feel like it's just one more thing on my plate and that the expectation is that this will come before everything else, because its being church somehow makes it more important than anything else.  If I were not giving in other ways and other places, these demands would be entirely understandable but I don't just give in one place.

That led me to pondering the question "What is God's church?" and my understanding goes WAY beyond the individual congregation or denomination.  For me, the CHURCH is any place that two people are together in His name so that means that, when I organize meals to support our friends whose on is having surgery, that is my giving to the church.  When I bake every week for the last two years for Dh's weekly men's meeting, I am giving to the church.  When I send a message of care to someone from my husband's church in which he grew up, that's part of the church, too.  I don't pretend that I give anywhere near enough but I do try and extend that giving anywhere that I can - to the school at which I work, to our neighbours, to the homeless, to people around me who are going through a rough time.  To me, that is church, too.  And, for that matter, church is my immediate and extended family.  It's the same reason that I believe so firmly that we Christians need to be out in the world, not just sitting back in our own little enclaves, living with neighbours who are like us, sending our children to little Christian schools and only spending time in places with people like us.  We need to be the present church in our very present and suffering world.

Now, that being said, I do think my church does a great job of "being church" in many different ways.  One thing they have started is P,B and J, (which stands for potluck, bonfire and Jesus).  It's a monthly get together at which we have a casual dinner, we go outside and "be" together and then have a bonfire, roast marshmallows and there is a kind of small reflection.  The part that is the most moving to me is that there is a small group of migrant workers from Jamaica who have started to come.  R, one of the workers, is a pastor back home and he has spoken and sung for us at both of the last two get togethers.  I found it profoundly moving last night to hear someone who is so far away from his family, working SO hard, preaching to us about seeing that we can praise God even in the hard times, like Ruth and Naomi.  To me, THAT is church - being together as believers, sharing our stories and the fruits of our tables.  It doesn't matter whether he is from "our" church or not and the people at our church, rather than looking down on these, some would say, rather insignificant people, are thrilled to have them there and we pile their plates high and try to make them feel as welcome as we can.

To me, THAT is what it means to be church and I will happily give to that in any way that I can.