I spent part of this evening washing applesauce off the floor. Pk, my 16 month old, loves unsweetened applesauce with other fruit and of late, it has been either blueberry or pomegranate (I have some guilt about letting her eat it since it is in plastic that probably is full of BPA but there doesn't seem to be anything else available in glass). She also loves to feed our dogs and applesauce that has dried on the floor is no fun to clean. As I scrubbed, I pondered what an appropriate title might be.
Do I refer to the fact that I have become fairly crunchy at this stage of life (cloth diapers, avoiding plastic, no harsh chemicals, eating organic, AP-style parenting for the most part)? That doesn't really work because the hard-core crunchy types bother me - I think shaving armpits is a good thing, my values are too conventional Christian for that. I haven't given up on make-up, I say "husband" instead of "partner", I do eat meat, I won't drink or eat anything containing hemp knowingly and EC grosses me out totally.
O.k., so, do I use a hymn title? The only problem with that is the fact that while my faith is a critical part of my life, many of my friends wouldn't darken the door of a church if the end was here and while I love Christian friends, I am a Presbyterian, I don't think that your brain needs to be checked at the door of the church and for the life of me, I can't understand why creationism vs. evolution is even worthy of discussion. I guess, as a child of the "politically correct" generation, I am not all that comfortable wearing my faith on my sleeve and I am afraid of offending people. My faith is like everything else - I don't exactly fit anywhere. I am more evangelical than not but only to a point. I struggle on some issues that are black and white for some Christians and I don't believe in a Christianity that fosters intolerance of all that is different or, even more, that creates a fear of everything that isn't like me. On the other hand, I do believe that Jesus was the Son of God and died on a cross for our sins, I do believe that we are saved by Grace, I do believe that the Bible is an amazing guidebook for our lives and Proverbs 31 is a founding document for who I want to be. I do believe that living by Biblical values makes human beings happy and that God knows better than we do what will be best for us.
There's the whole Mommy thing, that is a huge part of my life right now. I love Pk and really, parenting has become a bit of a passion for me. We are trying for another one (no success so far, which is frustrating given that it was so easy the first time) and I suspect that a little part of that desire is how much fun I have had becoming a "baby expert". Pk is the most important thing in my life but I don't know whether I can articulate that to others without being really boring and I don't want to be one of those mommas.
So, I am still without a name. I start running through book titles. Nothing fits. Then, I start thinking about songs. It took a bit and then it came to me - U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." That's me. Searching. Reading. Researching. Making resolutions. Trying things on. Wanting to be everything and not really knowing what will make me happy.
What AM I looking for? That's the question. Peace is important. On the other hand, don't want to be bored. Friendship is critical but don't want to be too obligated. Quiet is good but not too much. Stability is good but only if I don't miss opportunities. Maybe blogging will help me see my life and figure out what matters most.