Gratitude 54

Today was a bit of a struggle.  First of all, Pk is definitely showing signs of terrible two's - she is really digging in on certain things and seems to know exactly when to push my buttons.  Most of the time she is great but the bad days are BAD.  It doesn't help that she is teething big time and that makes her really volatile and whiny.  I want to yell, "You know how to talk - tell me what is wrong!"  We get through it but I feel like my fuse is really short right now.  We are also in the middle of attempting the transition to her "big girl" bed and while she is sleeping in it, right now, I am there with her and it just doesn't make for a great night's sleep.  I am tired, grouchy and a tiny bit blue.

We had a big event today that dh was involved in.  This is something that we used to do a lot before we had Pk.  I always enjoyed it but since her arrival, I just can't do it.  I'm too tired, it's too hard chasing a toddler and given that she is in daycare all week, I just can't see not doing things with her on the weekends, even if we did have a sitter.  I went up to visit the event and stopped in for a bit.  I got a full blast in the face of the fact that I have totally been replaced and the world has moved on without me.  I don't expect to be the centre of the universe but in the past, I was "in" and loved this stuff.  I had good friends there.  Now, I don't really matter and I am just in the way.  It hurt.  It doesn't help that a number of these people don't have kids and don't understand the demands of parenting, especially a child that as an infant, was difficult.  Pk was NOT one of those babies that you took somewhere and left in a carseat.  She was high maintenance and it was easier to be home and on a schedule than schlepping her around and expecting her to fit into our plans.  It was very clear that I no longer belong and while that normally doesn't bother me so much (I love being a mother and wouldn't trade that for anything) but today, it just hurt.  I felt, in some ways, like people felt let down by me and that I have turned into those women who are only a mother, if that makes sense.  There is NOTHING that bothers me more than feeling like I have let someone down.

Now for the gratitude part.  I have mentioned that I am coordinating one of the small groups at our church.  I had to call someone to make plans for tonight and we ended up on the phone for an hour.  It felt so good - I might not belong in my old world but I do belong somewhere.  There are people who care about me, who cherish the stage of life I am in and who "get it."  At small group tonight, Pk was a bit on edge (those blasted teeth again and why didn't I give her Advil before we went????)  Instead of being judged, I was supported and encouraged, Pk was given love and comfort and I got regaled with stories of other people's walks through the same things.  I have been lucky in so many ways.  1.  Most of my friends, with kids or without, have been super supportive and, in many cases, motherhood has made me even closer and helped me to cherish certain friendships even more than I did in the past (Kittenpie, I couldn't have gotten through that first sleepless year without you and W, your night nursing advice and sharing your stories did so much to help me feel like I was a normal mother at those times when I just though I didn't have anything left to give).  I have really been blessed in so many ways and while things can be lost, they don't ever seem to be without something else being gained.  

I just pray that I don't ever lose sight of just how lucky I actually am.