A Twisted Tongue

¹⁰ Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

 ¹¹ The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? ¹² Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

 ¹³ But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

Exodus 4:10 - 13

I so totally relate to this.  I feel like Moses, whenever I am in a position to speak for God or to share my beliefs, I get "slow of speech and tongue" and I make a mess of it.  I get so disgusted with myself, I want to share what I believe and the difference it has made in my life but somehow, I just don't seem to be able to do it.

For those friends here who aren't Christians, I am sorry if this offends anyone.  I know my friends are all respectful and considerate and if my being a Christian really bothered you, you would have checked out long ago.  I worry so much about offending, though, that I hesitate to say anything at all.  Then, I feel as if I have betrayed myself, since my faith is so critical to who I am.  I feel a bit like I live a double life, at times.  I worry that it might seem that I am ashamed of God or my beliefs or the general cultural unpopularity of Christianity and that couldn't be further from the truth.  Quite frankly, in some ways, the fact that the wider culture is disdainful of Christianity actually makes it more appealing to me.  Since I started therapy, I have been working hard at trying not to worry so much about what others think of me and I do think that I have made a lot of progress.  My reluctance to speak isn't about not wanting to be identified as a Christian, it has much more to do with 1.  not wanting to make someone feel like I am overstepping boundaries and 2.  not wanting to speak badly and drive someone further from God.

For those here again who aren't Christians, it probably isn't all that clear WHY we Christians are always wanting to talk about what we believe.  For some, it is about converting people and feeling like that is our job.  While I do think that the Bible calls on Christians to be "fishers of men" and to speak the Good News, for me, at least, there is more to it than that.  You know when you find a great restaurant or see a great movie? You want to tell everyone so that they can enjoy it as much as you do.  My faith brings me so much comfort and joy and a sense of belonging that I want that for everyone, especially the people who mean the most to me.   

Last night, we had a good friend here.  We have been friends for years and we tend to talk pretty frankly.  I know that she is not a Christian and has no interest in God.  I had been talking about some stuff going on at church and she said something really interesting, "I don't want to do the whole God thing but when you talk about church and the people and stuff, I would love to be a part of that.  It would be so good to feel like I belonged and to have that kind of meaning in my life."  I was stumped.  I felt this incredible pressure to say something, ANYTHING, to share God with her when she was obviously open to it.  I tried, in a cautious way, to open up to her and talk a bit about God and church means to me.  I referred her to a resource that works for me (I am LOVING the podcasts from North Point Church and often, Andy Stanley says things that sum up what I believe in words that I could never have).  At the end of the conversation, though, I really felt like I had failed.  I guess, in one sense, I can feel good about the fact that my life and my talk about the role of my faith and church in my life makes it seem appealing to someone else.  On the other hand, though, I wish I had been able to share in a way that really reached my friend.

Some of that is the fault of the churches I grew up in.  We didn't do testimonies or talk about our personal faith much.  In fact, it was almost seen as being unseemly.  We all believed and I think, in many cases, peoples' faith was very deep and pervasive but for some reason, we just didn't discuss it.  It would have been rude.  We did the Alpha course at our current church a couple of years ago and it was so great to get to talk about issues that I had never discussed in a church of our denomination.  That was really liberating.  I listen to the Focus on the Family podcasts and I hear a lot of talk about the apologetics conferences.  That interests me but I wish I could get that elsewhere.  I commend Focus for stepping out and offering something that is so needed.  On the other hand, there are elements of the politics coming from Focus that I personally find offensive (sorry, I am Canadian and can't stand all the pro- George Bush and American foreign policy rhetoric - guess I probably offended every else now).  I wish I could find more information on how to talk about my faith in a way that doesn't offend people but also doesn't sound weak and pathetic.

Ultimately, though, the burden lies on me.  I need to be confident and say what I think.  I need to speak proudly and if I mess it up, oh well.  It's easy for me to say that but to do it is another thing.  If you have any good resources, I would love to hear them.  North Point has a great sermon series on itunes right now, actually, it's a North Point Sermon Series available on the Connexus Church podcasts called On  Location and that helped a bit (it's all about being Salt and Light in the world) but it's just a start.  

Pray for me.  Pray that God gives me the words and the chance to use them.  It's such a shame to hide light under a bushel.  And in the meantime, I am going to try and be more public about my faith.  I will probably start here since it's a good place to practice.  To my non-Christian friends, sorry if I offend you :-) but I think you will understand.  Feel free to ignore those posts.