Inconceivable

To begin, let me say that all is well here in the pregnancy department, as far as I know.  I had a doctor's appointment a week and a half ago and the heartbeat was good and strong and easy to find (Hallelujah!) and the results from the 12+ week ultrasound were in and the NT scan results look good.  We won't totally relax until the 18+ week ultrasound and the IPS screen results come back but so far, so good.

I was pondering what I had to talk about this morning and what is really on my mind is infertility.  Back in the summer, when I was feeling so desperate, I started to read a few infertility blogs.  Last night, I spent some time reading some links from one of them and I haven't been able to stop thinking about the things I read since.

Until our issues this past year, infertility was something that we had brushed with in friends but we really hadn't thought about it a whole lot.  A good friend of Dh's since childhood has struggled with it with his wife for years.  We have always felt sorry for them - it has obviously caused them a horrible amount of pain and they don't have the finances to do anything about it.  Particularly in the case of the wife, I have noticed her withdrawing from many relationships and becoming bitter over the years and at this point, I think the infertility is the primary cause.  MIL, with her characteristic empathy (sorry, I am being nasty), would routinely complain about the wife being sensitive at baby showers, etc. and rant that they just needed to "learn to accept" that they couldn't have everything they want, just like everyone else.  I would hope that dh and I were always more sensitive than that but really, it wasn't especially on our radar because we weren't entirely sure that we wanted children until 3 years ago.

I have come to realise that infertility is everywhere.  We know of two couples at church who have had varied issues (one family, that is a real miracle, were childless for 17 years and then, when the wife was 41, got pregnant with their first child and they had a second when she was 43!).  I know of at least three women at work who have had issues - one who went IVF and conceived twins, only to lose one shortly delivery at 33 weeks.  When I have discussed it with friends, we all know someone who has or is struggling but really, the world is very insensitive to it.

Dh and I were lucky, I know that.  We conceived Pk the first month we tried.  The second time round, it felt to us like we were infertile but technically, we never did qualify because, despite dh's temporary issues (which were thankfully fully resolved with some lifestyle changes), we tried for less than a year.  I will tell you, though, that year was the hardest thing I have ever endured.  When it looked like we might have to go IVF, I can't tell you the amount of fear I felt.  On the one hand, there was the cost (at least $10 000), on the other, there was the fear of the procedure itself and the meds involved (could I really give myself injections in my stomach???).  The thing that people don't discuss, and this is something that really hit home to me reading blogs last night, is the risks involved with IVF.  With weak sperm and/or weak eggs, there are genetic things that can happen.  I read about one family who struggled to conceive for years and then finally did, only to discover that the baby had trisomy 18 and he died 4 days after birth.  There was another family who managed to conceive twin girls, only to have one die of SIDS days after birth.  I read about another family who had to take infant CPR before leaving the hospital and take home a stethoscope to check their infant daughter's heart multiple times a day.  There was the couple whose husband had such low sperm count and poor motility that they were told that he shouldn't reproduce because any male child they conceived through ICSI would almost certainly have reproductive issues himself.  Then, there were the couples who spent tens of thousands of dollars to have IVF not work, for no known reason. The stories went on and on.  What horrible choices couples have to make and what deep pain they face.

I don't really have anything profound to say, no answers or deep reflections.  All I will say is that those of us who have children need to realise what a blessing we have received and treasure it every moment.  We need to look with compassion on couples who don't have children.  We need to be sensitive how we share the news of a pregnancy (with this one, I decided on email, just to give people a chance to process their own reactions before they have to face me because I know that for some, this was hard news to hear).  We need to be supportive of the choices that other people make and NOT offer advice ("relax and it will happen on its own," "adopting is just like having your own child").  Personally, I think that reproductive care (IUI, IVF, etc) should be covered by either OHIP or insurance, since it is an unfair burden on families who need it.  I definitely think that we need to restructure the adoption system, especially for foreign adoptions - it sickens me to think that there are loving families who want to open their homes to children who have no one but they are prevented from doing so because they don't have the $50 000 to cover the cost of the adoption.

I am incredibly thankful for the gift that I have been given and I just pray that this pregnancy ends in a happy, healthy child, as well.  I hope that I can always respond with compassion to those that are struggling.  What a tough journey.