Nobody's Home

Every morning, usually while we are eating breakfast, Pk always asks me the same question, "Where are we going today?" It seems like a normal question but it took on new significance for me yesterday.

This summer, Dh has been home and it has been wonderful. While he has been outside working most of the time and I have been doing childcare by myself, just knowing that he was here really made things feel less lonely. We have been very busy, as always, but having him here gave me purpose to my day. I would finish the day feeling like things were right.

Yesterday, he started back at work (he is a teacher and is spending the entire week at work getting everything for the fall). Pk goes to daycare two days a week so that we can keep our spot while I am on leave. I felt out of sorts yesterday morning and by the time I dropped her off, I was feeling downright panicky. What was I going to do with my day? Where would I go? I started listing possibilities in my mind and then I realised that the idea of being home with an unstructured day was something that I didn't know how to cope with. It terrified me.

I have never been good at relaxing and most people would say that I am certainly a "driven" person. I always need a project and even being home on mat leave, I always fill my time. When I was home with Pk, we did two library programmes, swimming, baby sign classes, a music class and mom & tots at the church. We were out every day. I have filled most days this fall as well but over the next three weeks, many of the programmes haven't started yet. I will HAVE to figure out how to be home on my own. It's totally overwhelming to me.

It hit me that when Pk asks, "Where are we going?", she literally assumes that every day must include something away from home. I don't want her to grow up with my fear of boredom and stillness so that will be the lesson I will try to learn this year. How can I stay home and feel like I have accomplished something and stay connected to the world??? It's time to figure that out.