Rising to the Challenge

I love Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience, which, if you know me, is actually a bit out of character. Her blog is quiet yet full, simple yet incredibly complex and of such a depth that most posts require reflection and more than one reading. I'm a rushing, scanning kind of reader so I think that often, I miss the true depth. It's on the rare days that I can actually sit and read as opposed to a quick scan that I really am able to receive her message.

One of the major themes of the blog is gratitude and, as you know, there are weekly link-ups to her gratitude community. I have found that taking time to catalogue those little things that make each day so rich really changes my thinking and helps me to keep focus and to find contentment. When I saw that Ann has written a book and, even better, that the Dayspring blog is featuring a book club called Bloom and this book is the first study, I had to join in.

Truly, the timing couldn't be better. For the last several weeks, I have found myself battling a kind of creeping discontent that at times begins to crawl into depression. When I am busy, it isn't so bad and when I can focus on a project and not think (e.g., my knitting), I am not so bad but there are moments that I find myself in tears. I love my husband, I love my children and I feel so fortunate in so many ways but still, there is this gap, this void, this emptiness. I fill it with striving, with trying to prove myself, with projects and goals and busyness and yet, it's not enough. It's not a craving for material things - I don't feel a huge need for a bigger house or a fancy car or the right labels on my clothing. It's much more a sense of a need to prove my worth, to show that I have some value. The trappings I crave are the accomplishments that prove that I am a good mother (e.g., the "perfect" treats for the holiday, the child who is accomplished thanks to home teaching, the child who is confident in all situations thanks for a security in love and discipline), a good wife (with a husband who obviously benefits from my care), a good homemaker (a skilled cook with a home that is always immaculate and ready to receive visitors with warm hospitality), an excellent teacher whose students all leave at the end of the year highly successful and most of all, a Christian woman whose life reflects her faith and enriches others (through my church work, my blog, my obvious joy that makes others want to have what I have). The hard part is that I feel like I am not able to do any of those things well enough and I spend a great deal of time comparing myself to those who I think are what I feel I need to be. I am really exhausted and sick of the busyness. I know that I am missing out.

I have read the first two chapters of the book and so far, I am entranced. It's a slow read (not that it is heavy but I have to slow down to "get" it), which is refreshing in a way. I have to carve out time to reflect and to savour. I can't remember the last time I did that. I have this sense that Ann understands me. I read the following excerpt today and I felt my heart leap, yelling, "That's me! Someone understands!"

I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruputured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? (page 27)

I can't wait to continue on the journey of this book. While I know that reading one book can't solve all my problems or assuage my guilt at claiming to be a Christian while also feeling such discontent, it's so nice to feel like someone knows, someone understands and that someone is someone so wise. It's nice to not be alone. It would be lovely not to feel so tired.

Valentine's Treats

I've gone a bit nuts this year. It's so nice to have time to do some crafting for Valentine's Day. Usually, I get so busy at school that I just don't have the time to do the fun little things at home. This year, it feels like such a treat. It also helps that Baby Bean has reasonably good naps and that Pk goes to daycare two days a week (we needed to do that to keep her spot). I am trying to take advantage of that mummy time to do some things that give me pleasure and making the holiday fun for Pk really gives me that pleasure.

These jars are for Pk's teachers. We are giving one to her music class teacher and the other to our librarian who leads the storytime group that Pk attends. Both teachers are wonderfully patient and run great programmes. It's a nice way to say thank you. I got the idea from yet another blog I read, "Montrealaise en Californie". She often features great teacher gifts that she makes for her childrens' teachers.

These little felt envelopes are an idea that I stumbled across the other day. On reader, I follow One Pretty Thing, a marvelous source that offers daily summaries of craft/recipe ideas from all over the web related to various themes. If you are someone who crafts or who does programmes with children, it is fantastic. I saw these and knew that they would be perfect for our week two challenge in the February Love Challenge. There will be more about how I use these on Friday.

And finally, our Valentine treats. Normally, we just give cards and this year, I blew Pk's mind because I found Veggietales Valentine Cards. She is the world's biggest VT fan and to be able to give Veggietales to her friends just rocks her world. I saw the recipe for these Valentine lollipop cookies and had to give them a try. They weren't as finicky as I thought they would be and packaged up in a Valentine gift bag (20 for $1 at Walmart) and tied with curling ribbon, they look mighty cute. I took a few to some of her friends at music class today and based on their reactions, they are a hit! I was also really impressed because Pk wrote her name on all of the cards (she is writing her name but it takes a while and some coaching... I kept asking if she wanted me to do the rest but she was proud to do them herself). It may seem like I was going crazy doing so many Valentines but we made a list together of which friends she wanted to give cards to and the list was pretty long - music friends, daycare friends, church friends and a few library friends. When she starts school, we will have to rein this in a bit or we will be spending the entire month of January getting ready. At least, as she gets older, she will be able to do more of the work!

I was pleased with how they turned out and so was Pk. Luckily, we had enough that she could have one.

Multitude Monday 153 -

Today is a quiet day, a day when I have been able to enjoy some time to myself while Baby Bean naps and to enjoy time cuddling with him. What a blessed relief to have some quiet time.
154. cozy, slow days when I don't feel rushed155. the fun of a book I can't put down (I just finished Fallen Skies by Philippa Gregory)156. having a friend who knits to get me back into the habit157. Valentine's Day hearts and treats158. wonderful bloggers who share great craft ideas and recipes159. the knowledge that I am making special memories for my children160. that my mom is on the mend and that is is quite likely that we will have her truly back to form161. yummy food at potlucks162. afternoon naps163. the neighbour that we are paying to do our driveway until Dh is back to being able to do lots of lifting164. that I still have two months at home before I go back to work165. Pk's saying to me constantly, "You are happy, Mom, because you have two beautiful, special children" - it's nice to know that the words that she is imprinting onto her heart from me are good ones166. being able to experience holidays through my daughter's eyes (as a teacher, they had gotten pretty tired)167. after a bad week like last one, knowing that I could make a fresh start on a new week168. the way that a photo or a book can reach me in ways that I can't explain (like the nursing/reading pic that Laura posted that I mentioned yesterday)169. Baby Bean's babbling ("blah, blah, blah, blah")170. that no matter how bad it gets, there is always something to laugh about171. the fact that buying gifts for Pk gives me more pleasure than any gift I have ever received172. creating things in the kitchen to feed my family
Have a wonderful week.

A Must Read

I love reading Laura's blog, Nestled Under Rainbows. She has little ones, one who is just about the same age as Baby Bean and she's crafty and involved with her children and her blog makes me smile. Her post today left me with a big smile on my face - taking bored children to do random acts of kindness and then some wonderful nursing/reading. It's what life is all about!

One of Those Days...

As you know, I love bulbs and I bought these for myself a week ago. I've been waiting for them to bloom but the last few days have been really crazy and I kind of forgot about them. This afternoon, I happened to glimpse and this is what I saw:

And I thought, how appropriate for the week I have had! It was nice to have a laugh about it all - I needed that.

Mom has been sick for a long time. She sleeps a lot, doesn't seem to care about many things and seems to get very little done. I had actually decided not to long ago that she must be suffering from profound depression. I tried to broach it with Dad but, much as I love him, he only has so much room for reality when it isn't so nice and he basically brushed me off. Mom finally got in with a surgeon who told her that her problems were caused by 1. the hiatus hernia she has had for at least the last fifteen years and 2. her non-functional gallbladder. He felt that surgery was necessary a.s.a.p.

What followed was an exercise in frustration. She kept being told that she needed the surgery but she couldn't get a date. There were endless fruitless conversations with the surgeon's receptionist who was supposed to be setting everything up and, after intervention from the family doctor, a date was arranged - last Wednesday.

The family has been gearing up since then. Mom was nervous but also looking forward to the possibility of relief. We were all set to go and then last Sunday, I got the phone call - Dad was sick, my brother had taken him to emergency and he had been admitted to the hospital with his third case of pneumonia this winter (note to all - if you think that smoking for your entire life won't hurt you, YOU ARE WRONG). Mom didn't want to go through the surgery if something was wrong with dad. I was so frustrated, I thought I would lose my mind. For once, it needed to be about mom and not about everyone else.

Monday, once it became clear that dad was going to be o.k., she agreed that she would have the surgery. That is, if she could get to the hospital and the surgery wasn't cancelled due to lack of staff due to the big snowstorm that was supposed to come in. Then, on Monday night, she started to come down with a cold. Would they allow her to have the surgery???

Fortunately, the weather wasn't as bad as predicted and she got there. The surgeon seemed to think that the cold wasn't bad enough to cause a problem. The operation was done and we discovered why she has been so low. A full third of her stomach had entered her chest cavity and her breathing was impaired and she wasn't getting sufficient oxygen. She also had terrible gall stones and a stone in the bile duct (exactly the same as dh a month ago... strange coincidence). Her recovery would be slow and a bit uncomfortable but there is every chance that she will finally feel better.

For me, the rest of the week has been really frustrating. I have been essentially cut off from mom. Since I have the baby and am nursing, I can't go down to help and really, I would just be in the way. All of my information comes through my brother who, while I love him very much, makes me want to run away. He is in this anxious frenzy all the time and while he doesn't know much, he hears enough to decide that she is dying (e.g., when he heard that she had to have therapy to teach her to breathe again, he decided that she shouldn't be home because there had to have been lung damage - it took a long time for me to get him to understand that the training was to teach her to use her full lung capacity since she hadn't in years). I can't explain how awful it is to talk to him. He won't leave her alone for a minute at a time, he hovers constantly, I am not allowed to talk to her on the phone since I might exhaust her and he was trying to arrange with dh to go down there for a while next weekend since she shouldn't be left alone (in his mind) and he will need to get groceries. I think, 10 days after a surgery that wasn't all that major, that she can be left for an hour. I am getting emails telling me not to phone since I might wake her up (nevermind the fact that I haven't phoned since her operation and mom and I have agreed that I won't so she can rest). It's really hard to have to give in to his over-anxiety (he needs help for it but the family, for reasons that I don't understand, panders to his worry rather than helping him to work through it). I've felt guilty because I haven't been able or allowed to help, sad because I miss my mom and grieved by the knowledge that I have been shut out of the family (and I now know, down the road, if there is a more serious health issue, that I will be pushed aside immediately unless I really fight, which I just don't have the energy for).

It's been lots of little things, too. I have burned more recipes than I can list this week, Baby Bean is getting a tooth and isn't sleeping. When my friend, the classically trained French chef, came for lunch the other day, I made a mess of everything I served (my friend is wonderful and was gracious but I felt like a fool). I realised that I miscalculated my salary for the summer and we are going to be much tighter this summer that I had originally thought. I messed up the hat I was knitting for myself and the finished product was less than stellar (I'll share that in a knitting post). My clothes don't fit and I hate Sunday morning because I haven't got anything nice to wear to church that fits. Finally, Dh's cousin's son is missing at sea after a boating accident and is probably dead. The week has left me exhausted and discouraged and beaten down.

It's not all bad, though. I am married to a wonderful man who can make me laugh, even in these awful times. The flower, once we both noticed it, gave us a good laugh (and some jokes from dh about viagra). To finish the day off, I made us some comfort food, an apple-cheese oven pancake (these are seriously yummy). Usually, it rises around the edges and then cheese and apples and sugar are used the fill the middle. I opened the oven door, and this is what I saw:
We decided that the viagra conversation had spread to the oven... again, totally silly but I love that dh can bring the silly back exactly when I needed it.

Dinner ended up being delicious and I have high hopes that this week will be better than last. In the meantime, I'm going to have a nice, hot cup of tea, do a bit of knitting in front of the t.v. and say a prayer of thanks that I survived last week in one piece.

February Love Challenge Week 1

This week, over at Muthering Heights, Jessica shared her February Love Challenge in which we were challenged to follow some ideas for showing love to our children. I LOVED this idea (and, I might add, I love this blog - Jessica truly captures the beauty of motherhood and on days when it isn't feeling so beautiful, Jessica has a gift for including a quote that reminds me of what this is all about and making me WANT to live up to the challenge of loving my children).

For week one, the idea was to come up with a special treat and then to share about how we were surprised/blessed by our child. It didn't take me long to come up with a good surprise for Pk - she is a huge fan of hot chocolate (in our house, it's cocoa, that's what I grew up with and it seems a little bit healthier to me) and I knew that marshmallows would rock her world. We limit her milk intake to breakfast and bedtime since she would live on milk and nothing else if we allowed that. I asked her whether she wanted her milk and she answered that she did and then wandered off. It was perfect. I got her cocoa made and called her to come and get her "milk." Her reaction was priceless. "Hot chocolate for me, mummy? For good morning time? With marshmallows? Thank you" - all said breathlessly. She was less interested in hearing about how much we loved meeting and holding her but during the week, she has mentioned that we were so happy to meet her...

This was a lovely challenge. Pk is only three so next week's challenge of a treasure hunt is a bit tricky since she can't read clues but I think I have come up with something and I can't wait to share the results.

Valentine Decor

When winter is so cold and bleak, along comes Valentine's Day. While the "romance" of it isn't in my life at the moment (two young children, one of whom is breastfed and doesn't take a bottle leaves little opportunity for a romantic dinner out or a weekend at a hotel), I am loving the warm colours, the hearts and the chance to let people who I love know how special they are. I can never pass up a chance for a bit of decorating and since February has arrived, I thought it was time for a few little touches.

Excuse the mess of craft materials at the end of the sideboard. I have oodles of craft stuff for Pk these days and I don't have a good place for it. I bought the table cloth at Homesense last week. I have an addiction for tablecloths, placemats, cloth napkins and runners. Since the table is such a big part of the room, I find that changing the cloth makes a big difference in the flavour of the room.
If you have been around here very long, you will know that I made a felt heart garland for the living room. Well, I couldn't stop once I got started so I made some for the dining room as well. The "runner" on the sideboard is a hand-crochet tablecloth that belonged to my grandmother. In following pics, you will see another, one that was made for me by a elderly woman at our church when we got married. The quality of stitching and the size of the work is gorgeous in each cloth and they are two of my most prized possessions.
I love, love, love flowers and in the winter, there is nothing I love better than spring bulbs. I have decided that as a little treat, I am allowed to have something for the dining room until my bulbs begin to appear outside. My two favs are pink tulips and purple crocus and that's the combo that I have here. For me, the blooms of bulbs are like little rays of sunshine.
I made these mobile-like things to go onto the light fixture last year. I haven't been able to figure out how to photograph them well but they are pretty.
Of course, the top of the piano gets a bit of loving, too. Pk loves the candles and glass tiles (some are round and some are heart shaped). I'd love some more bulbs to go here, too, but I just can't justify the expense.

We are supposed to get a big storm overnight tonight. If we are snowed in tomorrow, it will be nice to have our warm and cozy decorations to cheer us up.