I have been pondering today's entry since yesterday morning. We aren't doing a Bible study at church right now and my personal reading, while church related, isn't Bible study, per say. I have been going through my pile of books beside my bed and trying to get caught up. Last week, I started reading "Turning Points: Decisive Moments in the History of Chritianity" by Mark Noll (about several of the biggest events in church history). It has been a fascinating read but I started getting really frustrated because my knowledge of history from Christ to the Renaissance is really sketchy. I just didn't know enough about the rise and fall of Rome and the history of the popes. Mom ended up getting me a copy of "Faith of our Fathers" by Raymond Beynton, a church history text put out for young adults in the 60's that has been great for giving me some of that background knowledge. Anyway, again, all interesting but not immediately related to a "Sacred Sunday" theme.
What has really come to me this week is a quote that I stumbled across on Saturday night. It isn't anything terribly profound but I need to think this way right now. As you know, things at home have been pretty tough for a while now. They have been steadily improving but Saturday ended up being a terrible day again. I should have seen it coming - much of Dh's issues come from stress with his mother and sister and how they make him feel. Pk's baptism is next Sunday and we have had some real struggles with his mother about that. I don't know how to describe her to you other than to say that she is the QUEEN of withholding approval and trying to control everything and everyone. Poor Dh - he never has a conversation with her that she doesn't manage to get in several nasty digs and he comes away hurt and angry. She really knows how to manipulate him and after years and years of it (and the number she did to his self-esteem as he was growing up), he just doesn't seem to know how to defend himself. Often, his frustration and helplessness turns into anger at me and so often, it happens just before we see them or when something happens on the phone. The fact that his sister is there right now and he had been calling his parents all week to try and find out when she was going so that he wouldn't call and get her (she is a very mean and angry and damaged person) has him really on edge. Anyway, I am blathering on, what I am saying in a very long-winded way is that Saturday he was really angry at me all day over silly, petty things and then it blew up into a terrible argument and by Saturday night, I was starting to wonder whether there is a marriage left to save.
I was sitting at the computer feeling VERY sorry for myself and then, on someone's blog, came across the quote that she was working on "blooming where she is planted". That really hit me hard - that is exactly what I need to do. I can't change Dh right now. He has not always been this depressed, selfish, angry man (in fact, has only been this way off and on for a year now and all related to his blasted family). I DO love him in spite of it all and I do want to find our way through this. I can't do his work for him and I can't make his family change. I have to figure out a way to bloom here, since I am not leaving.
Say a prayer for us today, if you are someone who prays. Please pray that Dh is able to see that his worth is in who he is and that he is a child of God's and not that his value needs to come from his mother approving of him. Pray that his mother begins to realise what she is doing to her children. Pray that I can support him and help him to see that he is a worthy person and that people love and care about him. Pray that I can learn how to be strong and confident in demanding that they treat us with respect and that I do not allow anger or resentment to taint how I deal with them. Pray that I can learn to shut my mouth and not respond when he is being difficult because of his pain (I really struggle with this - I know why he is acting the way he is and I try to disconnect but I things just seem to come out of my mouth anyway).
Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteBloom where you are planted...and get plenty of SONSHINE so you can bloom more beautifully!
I only hope that the psychiatrist he is seeing can help him develop some strategies for dealing with his family, so that he can not be sent into a spin every time they call, as they are probably not going away any time soon. I hope you can remain strong in your resolve together so you cna present a strong front to them. Good luck, my support, and please let me know if there's anything I can do next weekend to help distract or defuse them, even if it's on the spur of the moment.
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