I am feeling very, very blue today and I just need to wallow for a minute. Actually, it's not so much blue as scared. It's nothing extreme but there are just times when things get pretty overwhelming and this is one of those times. I have my 18 week ultrasound today and I seem to be the person that people feel they must share all of their horror stories with so I am always TERRIFIED with ultrasounds that I am going to find out that the baby has died. I see my doctor today. That should be fine but I am a bit scared of that, too. I opted to do the IPS screening (for neural tube defects, spina bifida, downs and the trisomies) and my doctor told me that she wouldn't call unless something was wrong. I had it done over two weeks ago but I am still a bit scared that I am going to go and find out that something is wrong. To top it all off, I have my performance appraisal at work tomorrow. It is ridiculous that I am worried about that since it is pass/fail and I know that my principal thinks I am wonderful. I still find it very uncomfortable - she is one of those people who I find hard to read and she comes from intermediate, not primary, so I don't know that she is all that comfortable with the subtleties of grade 2.
I had been convincing myself that I wasn't worried and I was doing a pretty good job until I went to my therapist appointment yesterday. I went in feeling great and it ended up being a 90 minute discussion of fear. I tend to think of my life as being pretty boring but when I talk about my life, my therapist keeps telling me that she can't believe how much I have either been through myself or been exposed to. I don't feel like I have a right to claim things have been hard - I haven't had cancer, my parents didn't beat me, we always had a roof over our heads. I guess, when I do the inventory with L (the therapist), that maybe things have been a little bit harder than I thought. On one hand, it's nice, because I finally feel allowed to feel what I feel about things but on the other, to admit that things were so bad means having to accept all that goes with that. It hurts.
If you are a prayer, please pray for me today that all goes well and that I have the strength to deal with all that comes along with a sense of peace. If you are not, cross your fingers for me. I feel like I need it today.
HOney, I know how you feel, because as I told you, I didn't even want to acknowledge to anyone that I was pregnant w Bun until after that 18 wk ultrasound had come back okay, just in case. Still, I know you will be fine. By tonight, everything will no doubt feel a million times better.
ReplyDeleteI hate performance reviews, too - it's never comfortable to hear yourself appraised, for good or for bad. I especially love when they feel that they *have* to come up with something to suggest or improve upon. Really? How about it's fine so leave it alone? Yeesh.
And finally - you SHOULD feel "allowed" to feel your own feelings. Yes, there are always people worse off than us. It doesn't mean that things that have happened in your life didn't affect you. You are, after all, human, and a pretty highly attuned one, at that. It's harder for brighter children to not understand some of what's going on and get worried by it, I think. Between the major worries about your dad's health, some historical tragedies that have affected your family, and a childhood marked by major changes, all of your parents' great love for you can only provide so much stability. What I discover now and then is those squashed-down things will bubble up eventually, even if it's just bit by bit.