And You Call Yourself a Christian...

Recently, I have begun to read a blog that I really enjoy. She calls herself "Emerging Mummy" and it's a mixed blog - about struggles and joys of motherhood and family and also, with a heavy emphasis on being a thoughtful Christian (at least, that is how I see it). She really hits a chord with me because she seems to struggle with a lot of the same issues that I do - how to find a balance between living life as the Bible calls us to while not slipping into judgement, narrow-mindedness, legalism and, quite frankly, cruelty, all things that, sadly, seem to go hand-in-hand with some forms of Christianity.

Yesterday (at least, I read it yesterday), Sarah published two posts. The first was essentially a resignation from Christianity (not from God or Jesus, just from the institutional church and from so-called "Christians") and the second was an appeal for stories of the presence of true, from the heart, loving Christianity that is in keeping with the message of the Gospel. She has been struggling with issues from the institutional church (and, more specifically, from its members, who DO seem to have a gift for behaving in a way that is anything but Christian at times). If I read her post and her comments correctly, the final straw for her was the death of a child at the hands of her adoptive parents in California, based on that atrocious book "How to Train Up a Child" by the Pearls.

To begin, I should probably tell you about the book by the Pearls and my journey that would have me even know what on earth it is. Pk was a VERY difficult infant - colic, hours of crying every evening and very, very poor sleep habits. I had a number of people pushing various parenting practices on me that just didn't mesh with my heart in terms of how I wanted to parent (nothing anywhere near as extreme as the ridiculous and cruel things that the Pearls were advocating but leaving a 4 month old to cry for long periods to sleep train seems fairly abusive to me, too). At 3 a.m., I would finally get her down and then come to the computer, searching for something, ANYTHING, to make me feel like I could cope. I kept finding articles and quotes from Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician from the U.S. whose ideas just seemed so much more fitting to what I believed. At first, some of it seemed a bit "crunchy granola" for me - having your child in your bed just seemed like an odd thing to do. Interesting, these things all worked - babywearing, co-sleeping, etc and I liked how they built a relationship with my child. That was the start of my AP (attachment parenting) journey. The only problem was that a lot of the AP types are very "granola" - left of centre, atheist, anti anything vaguely traditional and that made me uncomfortable. I eventually found a great web group called "Gentle Christian Mothers" that really fit - women who were like me, devout Christians whose parenting practices were not built around "spare the rod". It was a much better fit and it was nice to feel that I am not alone. I heard about the Pearls there - fighting the Pearl methods of child-rearing and, even to a lesser extent, Ezzo (hard core-sleep training) methods. I will also say that it was wonderful to accidently stumble upon a book called "Christian Parenting and Childcare" by William Sears that turned out to be by the same Dr. Sears whose attitudes I love so much. His addressing of the "spoil the rod" is done in an interpretation that makes much more sense in the light of a compassionate God. Even better is his discussion of spanking. I don't want to make anyone upset and I am not standing in judgement here but I will say that I do not and will not spank. To me, it is an act of an adult bullying a child and using nothing other than physical superiority to force a child into submission and I don't believe that it works and I would hate myself if I did it. Anyway, Dr. Sears is obviously writing carefully to an audience who he knows may be pro-spanking and instead of turning them off so that they close the book, he lays out very clear guidelines to how and when spanking should be used that essentially rule it out altogether. I love that.

Before I proceed, I will also say that I have not personally read the Pearls' book. 1. I thought it would make me sick. 2. I didn't want to spend money on it and have them make a profit and 3. I wouldn't want to have that in my possession for even a short period of time. I did read both excepts and summaries ( see this link if you want to know the awful things they advocate) and that was more than enough for me. So, to some degree, I am talking about something that I have not personally read and there is a small possibility that I am not accurate in my interpretation. I will say that there are people who have KILLED THEIR CHILDREN based on this book and so, at the absolute least, it is a book that is open to considerable misinterpretation if it does not actually put forward parenting methods that foster abuse.

Now, how do I reconcile myself to a Christianity that advocated something like that?

I think that for me, it is easy. I come from 4 generations of ministers. I think I can truly say that I have seen the church at its worst. My grandmother, who spent most of her life working full-time for the church on an unpaid basis (as a minister's wife, which, in those days, was most certainly a full-time calling), was left in dire poverty when my grandfather died suddenly. There had been a clerical error at church office with my grandfather's tiny pension and if it hadn't been for a minister friend of the family who had POWER in the church and went to work on her behalf, she would have had nothing. Dh and I left a church several years ago because of the atrocious things that went on. An allegation was made against the minister and he was immediately removed without a thorough investigation, his family was destroyed, he had a breakdown and all the members of the church would talk about was getting the family out of the manse so that they could hire someone else. In the end, it also turned out that the allegation was entirely untrue and the only reason I know that is because my mother is very connected in the church. Dh and I couldn't stand watching a family in pain being totally ignored and hurt. I know that there are examples of atrocious behaviour by Christians and I don't have to go back to the inquisition or to parts of the world where things are brutal and violent to find examples.

On the other hand, I also know that the church is made up of human beings and while some of them behave in cruel and terrible ways, some of them are gentle, kind and compassionate and often, in ways that will never been seen publically by others. We went to a wonderful little church in Toronto. This church was in a low-income neighbourhood and there wasn't anyone in this congregation who hasn't seen suffering of some kind or another. Compassion was rife. Were there angry and bitter people? Of course, but there was a deep commitment to helping others that was at the heart of the congregation. One example I can remember was when the daughter of one of the immigrant families became pregnant. She was 16 and in some churches, the judgement would have run her out of the church. Not at this congregation. Initially, people struggled a little bit - how could they find the line between compassion and following scriptural teaching on sex? Ultimately, I think people decided that what was done was done and the best thing to do would be to surround mother, baby and father with love. Guess what? That was ten years ago and the couple is happily married with two children and have made a life for themselves. That's was treating people with love instead of judgement can do. When we first went to the church, we noticed a rather odd woman who would stand up just before the sermon and sneak out of the church, hiding her face behind her purse. We wondered but never asked. When we had been there for about six months, someone mentioned in passing that we shouldn't leave anything in our pockets of our coats when we hung them up as she had mental health problems and would go and rifle through people's pockets during the sermon. Instead of getting angry, they accepted her with her faults and found ways to protect themselves but show love at the same time. Then there was the acute manic-depressive woman who people tolerated with patience and kindness despite the fact that a conversation with her was very, very hard work... I think what stands out for me the most were the sales. We had four church bazaars a year. Everyone donated everything they could spare and usually, there was an amazing array of "gently used" items, all very reasonably priced. Let me remind you that this church was small and poor. We were surrounded by highrise apartments that were largely populated by new immigrants who had just arrived, primarily from Pakistan and China. These people had NOTHING and were starting from scratch. Especially after 9-11, Muslim women would wander in to shop, looking afraid and beaten down by life. They would carefully look for a few tings and without fail, they would leave with a fully-stocked kitchen, linens and clothing, having paid $2 for the lot. The church really couldn't spare the money but they always had a hand for those in need. Christ was at work in that place.

Then, we moved into a small town on the edge of the suburbs. That was a shock. We tried church after church (including the one that ran out the minister) and we tried to find a home but nothing fit. We finally wandered into our church that we attend now and it is home. We have learned that 1. while we attend a church that is part of the denomination, the less we have to do with the greater denomination, the easier it is to feel like Christians and 2. that we find that it is easier to see Christ as work in churches in places where people have suffered. Our church is in a working-class area and the people are a funny mix - teachers, professionals, etc mixing with people battling all of the issues related to chronic poverty in an area that is slowly moving up the social ladder (new housing and a reasonable easy commute to the city is changing the composition of the community). Is our church perfect? No. There are issues that can easily turn out attention away from God but for the most part, people are kind and loving and looking for ways to show love to God. I don't have lots of stories but I will say that before Pk was born, we couldn't get over all of the love and support we got. There is one family in particular who really took us under their wing and before I knew it, I had more clothing than I know what to do with and kindness and support when I was so afraid as I approached delivery. It is common practice in our church to appeal to people when there is someone in need, whether it is a ride to chemo treatments or a family in need with children needing clothing, a car needing repair or a family without furniture. People don't have all that much but they always find a way to help. We built our church building over the course of about a year and people from the church were up there all the time, sharing whatever gifts they have. It has become a place that means so much to all of us and there is something so wonderful about being able to tell my daughter that her father helped to build the church. Now, we are trying to build the "body" of the church in a way that reflects the message of the Gospel.

I don't know that I have entirely answered the question of how to reconcile being a Christian with what Christians do. I guess I see it a bit like being a human being. Just because Hitler or Stalin or Charles Manson did something, that doesn't mean that I share responsibility for that. For that matter, I may be a Christian but I did not participate in genocide in Africa or the Jim Jones cianide (I know I have spelled this wrong), mass suicide or maniacs who bomb abortion clinics. As a Christian, I bear the responsibility of spreading the gospel and doing everything I can to get the true message out but I am not going to abandon it because people whose agendas appall me claim to represent my faith. I guess it is a struggle to which I am accustomed. I teach in the public school system and I have heard (although I have not been subjected to it) that some people are really down on Christians teaching in the public schools system. I think that is where we belong. How can we represent the gifts of the Christian life if we are always hiding our lights under a bushel? I was shocked last year when a mother came up to tell me that she wanted to thank me for teaching at the school. I don't know how but it had come to the knowledge of a group of the parents that I am a Christian and they wanted me to know that 1. they were praying for me and 2. they wanted to thank me for being part of the public system.

So, the very long answer is - what works for me is to find a faith community that is a good fit, to avoid contacts with the self-satisfied affluents and fanatical fundamentalists who sit in judgement of everyone else and thirdly, to remind myself that Christ warned us that there would be many false prophets who would claim to come in his name. This is just yet another Biblical prophecy coming true. We are called to be light in the world and I think we need to be light in the church, as well.