The *F* Word

Shortly after I had Pk, my doctor mentioned that my bloodwork was coming back a little bit funny. It was nothing to worry about, she said, just that my platelets were a bit high (she prefaced this by saying, "You do NOT have cancer" - how well she knows me). They gradually came down enough that she stopped testing. Then, last spring, I had bloodwork for something else and again, my platelets were slightly high. She ordered me to take daily low-dose aspirin and she was going to do a referral to a hematologist (again, she said that normally, this doesn't indicate anything but she just wanted a second person to say the same thing). I have been waiting and waiting for the appointment and finally, last week, I got the call saying that I see the specialist tomorrow morning at 9:30.

I have always struggled with fear. I don't mean the silly-nagging-worry kind of fear - yup, I get that like everyone but I can cope with that, it really isn't all that big a deal. On the other hand, once-in-a-while, I hit something that scares me to the point of being almost paralysed by it. Usually, it's a medical thing, although money worries can push me pretty close to that place, too. This is a gut-gnawing, life stopping, obsessive, paralysing FEAR that I can't shake. It eats at me most of the day and I wake up in the morning with a sense that something is horribly wrong before even having a coherent thought. It has nothing to do with logic. In this case, two doctors now have told me that it is almost certainly nothing and that since the rest of my bloodwork is completely normal, it's unlikely to be any of the things that high platelets can signify (none of which lead to death or severe infirmity). Objectively and logically, I can see that this is more likely to be a nuisance than anything else. I found a great, thorough and sound medical site (after scanning through many whose information was scant, inaccurate or alarmist) that states that high platelets is common as a post partum problem and that most of the time, people with it never have any health issues at all. It all makes sense - I didn't have it before I had Pk and it appears immediately after I had her (and I had lost a lot of blood during delivery), so it would be logical that the birth process was the cause. While I can say that and it makes sense to me, it doesn't take the edge off the fear. I find myself getting sad, worried that Pk might grow up without a mother. I become terrified that something will happen to this baby or that I won't be able to be there for my children. It has nothing to do with logic or reason, it's this deep-in-my-soul ache-type thing that, once activated, is almost impossible to turn off.

As a Christian, this really makes me feel like a failure. I have read all the wonderful passages in scripture about how, as Christians, we need not fear. I DO trust that God loves me and wants the best for me and, while that does not mean that I won't suffer, I can rest assured that I won't suffer alone and that ultimately, there are better things ahead. This is a true "stronghold" (a term that really grabbed me when I did the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free). I guess that all I can do is pray, keep putting one foot in front of the other and do whatever I can to keep from letting this steal my wonderful moments that are available to me daily. I just wish I could defeat this. It would be so liberating not to live knowing that something can come along and knock me off my stride to the point that it takes me days (or even weeks sometimes) to really get a grip.

In the meantime, please pray for me. That appointment tomorrow scares me more than just about anything else I have gone through. It would be nice to know that I am not alone.