Am I in the minority of women my age (pushing the later end of the 30s, if I am being honest), who, at times, still gets flashes of the insecurities of high school? I work with several women, all nice enough (to your face... oops, did I just say that), who like to function as the kind of "in" crowd at work (I work at a very large school). I'm too busy for crowds myself, I have friends at work but I'm too busy to go out for lunch - I go to work, I work all day, including through breaks, and leave as soon as the work is done because I'd rather be with my family.
So, we were invited to the 2nd b-day party of the son of one of these women. He went to daycare with LB until recently. Even though we probably make as much money as these people and they live in the heart of suburbia (sorry, I'd much rather be in either the city or a small town, I don't really like housing development after housing development), there is just something about these people that makes me doubt myself in so many ways. I am usually fairly comfortable with what I have and one of the reasons we moved to the small town was to get away from the pressure to keep up. I want to have a comfy home and I don't pretend that we have a lot of money and I know that we are not fashionable in any sense of the word. Most of the time, I don't care. Today, though, I felt really out of place and came home and the house just looked that little bit shabbier and the kids looked that little bit scruffier and I was filled with doubt about everything.
I'll get over it and, as the therapist I saw for a while two years ago told me, I need to stop buying the image that everyone wants to put forward and start seeing through to the person underneath, warts and all, but, yet again, I hit that feeling like I had when I was 15. It's not so nice.