37

It's my birthday tomorrow.  It's interesting how a number can mean so little or so much.  For a number of reasons, I have very mixed feelings about this one.

I have never been huge on birthdays although my parents always went to a huge effort to make us feel special.  We never had much money but my dad had so much fun getting birthdays together. We always had games and prizes and often in funny places (the schoolyard, a church basement) followed by cupcakes.  They weren't elaborate or expensive but we had so much fun.  There was always the party and then twice a year, a big family birthday celebration (all of our birthdays are June and December, which is convenient).

As a teen, I wasn't so into birthdays.  I had a amazing friend, Kittenpie, who is the best gift giver in the world.  She would come up with a collection of amazing little gifties that you had no idea existed or that you wanted but man, could she ever make you feel special!  I will always remember the big basket she did one year.  I could never keep up and have never been good at gifts (and have always felt like I let you down in that dept. Kitttenpie - in case you didn't know, you are truly the most thoughtful and generous gift giver I have ever met).  Birthdays weren't a huge event but they were fun and something to be savoured.

The last few years, my birthday has largely been a non-event.  Dh and I are not big party people and I don't drink so that big blast people often have isn't something I want.  I am a teacher and really, having your birthday with a class of students is probably the most fun you can have (if your nerves are up to it).  Whether anything happens or not, it is such a huge event in their eyes.  My kids often will come to school with cards/homemade gifts and their excitement is contageous.  Just sitting here writing is making me think that I need to finish here and go and make some cupcakes - my kids will be so thrilled.

Like I said, though, 37 is a hard one.  The fertility stuff is probably the biggest cause.  I don't see age as being important.  I have had people think I was younger than my age and haven't changed at all and then there was my neighbour's sister to asked me if I was Pk's grandmother (that was pretty upsetting for a while!).  I tend to think that people who fret about age are silly - it should be worn as a badge of honour and you can't stop it anyway.  Right now, for the first time in my life, I feel like my age is against me.  Yesterday, I was reading up on some of our fertility options.  Imagine my pleasure at seeing that for a particular procedure, it has great results IN WOMEN 36 AND UNDER.  The clock is ticking and leaving me behind.

I have this annual tradition.  For my birthday, I buy myself a nice, new journal and record my dreams, hopes and goals for the year.  Last year, I had this feeling that 36 was going to be a wonderful year.  I probably set myself up for failure but I just had this feeling that 36 was going to be a special year.  Instead, it ended up being one of, if not the worst, of my life.  

So, I am going to try to make 37 different.  Instead of waiting for life to happen to me,  I am going to try and search out my own joy.  I won't lie, a goal for the year will be another baby.  What I need to do, though, is find the joy whether that happens or not and keep it from being the obsession that it has become.  My other goals will be to make more time for friends, to look for the joys in each day, to record Pk's progress so that I don't forget to capture those special times and to work hard to grow in my faith.  

Happy Birthday to me.