Thursday, June 18, 2009

Blue

I'm feeling really blue today.  Actually, I have been for the last couple of days.  I am not really sure why other than that it might be hormones, I am not pregnant (again) and the pms is bad this month.  I suspect that I am really tired, too - with getting up early for Bible study (which I wouldn't trade) and trying to do a bit of reading at bedtime, I rarely get more than 6, at most 6 1/2 hours sleep, which I think is really catching up with me.  I feel like summer will never come (this cool and rainy weather is driving me crazy and my garden is suffering) and that I have so little control over my life right now (not a state I exist easily in).  Pk is so much fun right now and there are good things happening that way but she is also really volatile right now.  I think it is teething but she goes from happy to extremely fussy on a dime and wants to be up in my arms ALL THE TIME.  Please tell me that this stage will pass - I love cuddling my girl but as any of you can see who see her pics, she isn't a lightweight and my back is getting tired.  I love my Ergo but she is at the stage that she is not so easy to get in and out anymore and it's getting too hot for long stretches on my back.  Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling this way.  Objectively, I know that I have a wonderful life - a great husband who is my best friend (and who is healing so well right now), a wonderful, funny, quirky, creative, inquisitve, challenging daughter, two wonderful dogs (o.k., one wonderful dog and one who is a pain but I love anyway), a cat who is just so elegant and comfortable (and not clingy or difficult), a comfortable house (if not anywhere near my dream, it is home), good friends, safe, reliable and mostly rewarding work, etc., etc., etc...  I still feel this chronic exhaustion and discontent.  Any advice, anyone?  Is this what it is to be a working mother?  Is this what it means to be a mother to a toddler?  Is this just the result of the shift from working woman to working mother?  Is this my frustration at our fertility struggle?  I just feel so ... tired and frustrated.  Sorry for complaining, you are just such good listeners...

4 comments:

  1. Are you kidding me? You have carried a ton of stress and the major workload this past year. Honey, this is what it is to be burnt out.

    My finding as a working mother is that this comes and goes with the cycle of stresses of work and the ebb and flow of toddler madness. There are days when you are tired and down, days when you are cranky, and days when everything seems wonderful, just like before kids.

    But that is when you are not under all that other stuff. When you have someone to help with the kids or take over when you are just so done with it, someone to give you the occasional afternoon off to get things done or have time to yourself. Lately, you haven't had that.

    So no, I don't think you're whiney. I think you're stressed, with good reason. I find so often you just hold on tight and don't let yourself deal with the strain while you're in the thick of it, but when you get a chance to ease off just a little, it starts to come crashing in on you. If you're the same, I think you may be starting to feel what you've been pushing aside for the last several months while you just got through it, now that M is starting to heal and there is hope in sight. Which means it feels like crap, but I think it might actually be a good sign.

    You will soon have the time you need to give yourself a break. Take some time. If you can take Pk to the sitter some days to get things done or just be, it's a really good thing - I do that while working, bring PP in on my days off so I can get all the stuff done and enjoy weekends with her without laundry and so on hanging over me. It really helps, so take advantage if you can. And the weather will help, and time over the summer to do things you love with people you love. It will get there, love, it will.

    and finally, let me just say how extremely happy I am to hear that M is doing better already, though I know it's a process, and the "right away" results are only limited and part of the answer. I'm glad it's a strong enough sign of better days ahead that you can feel some relief.

    Hugs to you, my dear, and we'll get together when you feel ready. I'm here!

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  2. I think if we are honest with ourselves and others, we all feel this way sometimes!!! Last night I had just about had it with my girls...I even told them to stop talking to me or I might hurt them. I had to walk away and have my husband finish putting them to bed. I don't want to feel that way toward them, but sometimes it just grates on me and I can't help it.

    So...you are not alone...even those who put on a good front struggle.

    And to answer your questions....THIS is what it is to live life - in whatever capacity - as working mother, as stay at home mother, as mother of toddler, as mother of any age!, etc. Life can wear us down.

    Hang in there and hold on to the good things!

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  3. Aww, hang in there. I don't think there is anyone out there who hasn't felt that way before. What has helped me the most is to give myself permission to feel stressed out and grumpy or unhappy sometimes- to accept that how feel is simply how I feel and I'm not bad or wrong for feeling that way. I know I sometimes get caught up in either trying to analyze why I feel a certain way or in tring to feel differently, which only makes me feel worse. I'm trying to learn instead to just live, to ride out the bad feelings and wait for the good to come again- and in the meantime, do whatever you can to nurture yourself.

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  4. Thanks for your comment on my post last week... sounds like you could use some thoughts and prayers, too. Consider it done. May God bless your day.

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