I'm having a very hard time right now. I go back to work in five weeks and I am feeling so incredibly sad about that fact for a few reasons. I would love to be a permanent stay-at-home parent but that is just not in our cards financially right now (or down the road, I expect). The idea of Baby Bean at the wonderful home daycare he will attend just makes me so sad - I'm not ready to have him out in the world without me. I think I am feeling this even more keenly because, unless something very big changes, we won't be having another. I will be honest, if it were up to me, I would certainly have at least one more but Dh is right, we have to look at our lives and what will fit and really, if we had another child, it would have a huge impact on Baby Bean and Pk in ways that I am not entirely sure are fair. There's also a little side of me that that feels that 1. given the overpopulation of the world, having endless numbers of children is not responsible to the earth and 2. there are so many children already on the planet without parents, if we add to our family, we should adopt. All that being said, my arms ache to hold another baby, I am desperately missing the feeling of a baby kicking inside me and as we leave each stage and achieve new milestones with Baby Bean, I find myself grieving what we are leaving behind.
As you can see, focusing on what I have is not only a good thing for me to do right but but essential. As I read Ann Voskamp's book, the power of gratitude is becoming more and more clear to me. I want to focus on the daily blessings.
197.the smiles of my children
198.arms that are filled with a child
199.the sounds of a home filled with laughter
200. naps with a warm body beside me
201. planning things for us to do as a family
202. sharing joy and laughter with Dh about things that our children have done*
203. the lengthening daylight and the change in the shadows
204. the imminent March Break and a week with Dh at home
205. the pleasure of giving something to my child that will make him or her happy
206. planning a garden
207. seeds that sprout
*When Pk was a baby, she had a very loud, very annoying fishbowl toy. We packed it away. Two weeks ago, I was trying to get a job done and Baby Bean was being fussy so I got out the toy to amuse him for a few minutes. The next day, when I was getting him down for his nap, I heard said toy and discovered that Pk was playing with it. I firmly asked her to put it away. When Baby Bean woke up from his nap, I heard her run into him and when I came into the room, she turned to me and with the most sincerely look on her face, said, "Mummy, Baby Bean is a very nice guy. We had a talk and he said that he doesn't mind if I play with his fish toy."
I am grateful that I can still see through her tricks - I am sure that soon enough, she will have us!