Sunday, May 12, 2013

Finding Me...

I've been really blue lately.  I think I struggle with depression (as do so many of us) and for the last few weeks, it's been bad.  I'm not too bad in the morning but as the day goes on, I just feel so unmotivated and tired and impatient.  I'm not really sure where this is coming from (well, that's not entirely true - I suspect that it's largely needing sleep, trying to do way too much and not getting a break).  I feel a bit like I'm sinking and I need to do something about it.

I know that at least in part, what I am going through is something that all mother's seem to feel (and isn't it funny that today is Mother's Day and this is where I am at!) but I am feeling so overwhelmed at a feeling of having lost myself.  I spend my life running to cook, clean, feed, read with, pack bags, drive and tidy.  My fantasies involve an hour of uninterrupted reading, a day at home without a sick child, a shopping trip completely alone or a meal prepared by someone else that involves nothing done by me and nobody in my lap.  Honestly, if you asked me what I enjoy doing, I'm not sure I could even answer that question.  I feel like the "me" is being sucked out of me.

It's funny the little moments when I actually get a glimpse of myself again.  I woke up yesterday to a house full of family visiting, children demanding breakfast and a dh who was sleeping in.  After much caring for everyone else, cleaning to prep for more family coming and tidying up after a last minute blueberry pie that had been requested, I managed to find a few moments to run out with the dogs.  For me, that's work that doesn't feel like work.  On weekends, we get a longer walk and I get to visit my favourite place in town.  We do two circles around the big field, walk up the trail we call the nature walk, a circuit of the soccer field and then back through the nature walk.  About half way through the walk, I started to remember myself.  I saw the dogs flying in front of me running with joy, smelled the smell of the trees and the damp and the outdoors in spring smell and heard the sound of the water.  I started to think about how much I love my girlies (and pondered the fact that perhaps, one of the reasons I love Chelsea so much, my older girl, is that she never talks to me or asks me to talk with her, she just makes it very obvious that she enjoys hanging out with me).  I pondered how much fun it was to have a riding lesson on Thursday (an extremely thoughtful Christmas present from my brothers).  I thought about how much I love the sound of wind in the trees, the fact that the little bridge over the brook is my favourite place in the world and that I wanted to knit a sweater and some socks for my walks.  I noticed and thought about how much I love my rubber boots (I ADORE rubber boots) and that I really wanted to get back to the book that I was reading.  I thought about tea and English roses that I want for my garden.  I started to think that maybe I haven't entirely disappeared, that my "me" hadn't entirely been removed.

I think it's definitely time for a bit of solitude.  I think this introvert has given a bit too much of late.

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