I am exhausted tonight. I am often tired but this is that bone deep, gritty-eyed, unable to listen to one more rendition of Rudolph in the car without totally losing my stick kind of tired. There's a lot of guilt that goes with this tired - it shortens my fuse, removes my patience, dulls my reason and blunts my compassion.
The really pathetic part is that, at least in part, it's my fault. Our work-week tends to start slow(er) and pick up the pace as the week rushes on. By Friday, the endless hours spent waiting for children at the barn and the rink, the wonderful but sleep depriving hours spent in fellowship and the lack of time to just be in my skin and listening for God have totally wiped me out. On Monday, I did my daily walk at lunchtime with the iPod off and then, when I turned it on at the end of the walk, I listened to lectio divina (a post for another day). It helped me to listen for God and to actually feel a call to do something. By today, I was listening to mindless stuff and just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. There was no time or energy for listening, just the desire to dull my mind to coast through the day.
That, in itself, is a lesson. If I'm too tired to listen for God during this season of listening and preparing, something is horribly wrong. I don't actually pretend to have an answer but I think it's time to start looking for one. Is it that I need to say no? Is it that I need to sleep less and meditate more? Is it that I need to find a way to carve out a bit more quiet time?
Honestly, I don't know but I need to find the answer because I know this pace is taking years off my life.