Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Quiver Full?

I am feeling so sad and alone this morning and sorry, this is going to be a real pity party but I have something I need to talk about and I don't have anyone to talk about it with.  You might want to stop reading now.

Dh and I waffled a bit on having children.  First of all, we are both cowards and I think the idea of parenthood really scared us.  Secondly, both of our families were horrible with money (still are) and we both have this fear of long-term debt and with dh's student loans, we were scared that we wouldn't be able to manage with a baby and all that debt.  Thirdly, I think we were worried we were going to turn into the people, like my SIL, who are incapable of an adult conversation, whose homes have been overtaken by Disney and who expect the entire universe to revolve around their children.  We just kept putting it off. 

Finally, a little over two years ago, we decided to take the plunge.  Luckily, we got pregnant the first month and while she has given us a run for our money, I could never have imagined how Pk has enriched our lives.  I don't know how I lived without her and I am so incredibly afraid of anything happening to her.

As soon as she was born, we decided that we wanted at least one more, if not two.  We thought that it would be tight (I had just turned 35 when we had her) but given that things had gone well with her, we would be able to have at least one, if not two more.  

I bought the books, got the thermometre, am now taking my temp every morning, tracking what I need to track, etc.  We started trying again last October.  It has now been six months and I am not pregnant.  I eat the diet I am supposed to eat, I am seeing a naturopath specializing in fertility, I had my first acupuncture last week and I have seen my doctor (who basically told me to come back in six months).  Nothing.  The first couple of months, I thought, "O.k., this is taking a bit longer than I thought but we are still breastfeeding a bit, maybe that's what it is..." 
At this point, I think I have lost hope that it will ever happen.  I end up in tears at least two or three times a week and if I have one more person tell me that it is just a case of "mind over matter" and that it's all in my attitude, I am going to be sick. I would love to just say, "Fine, we will stop 'trying' and what happens, happens" but it's hard to do that with something that means so much.  I don't want Pk to be an only for many reasons, the least of which is that the thought of something happening to Dh and I and her being left essentially alone in the world kills me.

I also am finding  this hard because I am someone who wants to talk through my stresses and problems and I have several really good friends who I turn to when I am feeling like I can't cope.  For some reason, I have a really hard time talking about this.  On the one hand, I am DYING to talk about it with someone (and Dh doesn't count because he is a typical man and when there is a problem that he can't immediately solve, he tends to shut down).  On the other, for some reason, I just feel funny talking about this.  I want support but I don't want pity.  I guess that is pride.  I also feel like such a failure.  So stupid, given that if it was someone else, unless the person was smoking a pack a day and drinking like a fish, I would honestly say that some things are just beyond control and will happen when the right time comes.  I think I am also ashamed that I let my fear of money woes and the huge commitment of parenthood delayed our having children and we might has lost the opportunity.  

The worst part is that everyone I know seems to be pregnant and I can't get away from it.  I suspect this has turned into a full-blown depression and I just don't know how to get out of it.


  1. No matter how things work out you always second guess yourself. There's a fertility watch that works off body salts, it might be worth looking into. I hope this happens for you, I know you and dh are fabulous, loving parents.

  2. I wish I had found this sooner, I would have called...

    I understand a little, because when we were trying for the Bun, it took a while, and I began to despair after only about 4 or 5 months that it wasn't going to take, especially after I was fairly certain I lost one. It is frustrating, especially like people like you and i who are used to being able to solve our problems by working on them, people who are planners. It is also depressing, I agree, to contemplate the state of your age and fertility, and to second-guess your choices. But for you, with your good health and easy first time, I trust that it will happen. That might not make it easier to wait, but I have faith in this. and also, I am here to talk to if you want.

    If you would like to hear you are not alone, I know there are a LOT of infertility blogs out there by people who have really struggled or still are, some even through lots of medical procedures, so if nothing else, you can know it is very likely that you are going to have an easier time than them! (Also, my hairdresser just had a baby after 6 YEARS of trying, so you just never know - dont' give up your hope, my dear.)