Am I in the minority of women my age (pushing the later end of the 30s, if I am being honest), who, at times, still gets flashes of the insecurities of high school? I work with several women, all nice enough (to your face... oops, did I just say that), who like to function as the kind of "in" crowd at work (I work at a very large school). I'm too busy for crowds myself, I have friends at work but I'm too busy to go out for lunch - I go to work, I work all day, including through breaks, and leave as soon as the work is done because I'd rather be with my family.
So, we were invited to the 2nd b-day party of the son of one of these women. He went to daycare with LB until recently. Even though we probably make as much money as these people and they live in the heart of suburbia (sorry, I'd much rather be in either the city or a small town, I don't really like housing development after housing development), there is just something about these people that makes me doubt myself in so many ways. I am usually fairly comfortable with what I have and one of the reasons we moved to the small town was to get away from the pressure to keep up. I want to have a comfy home and I don't pretend that we have a lot of money and I know that we are not fashionable in any sense of the word. Most of the time, I don't care. Today, though, I felt really out of place and came home and the house just looked that little bit shabbier and the kids looked that little bit scruffier and I was filled with doubt about everything.
I'll get over it and, as the therapist I saw for a while two years ago told me, I need to stop buying the image that everyone wants to put forward and start seeing through to the person underneath, warts and all, but, yet again, I hit that feeling like I had when I was 15. It's not so nice.
Oh Sarah,
ReplyDeleteevery time I read your blog I wish, again, that we lived closer so we could be better friends and go for tea.
I feel so insecure so many times of the day. Especially with the friends we have and the choices we've made.
I'm a stay at home mom, I do NOT get mat leave, we are a one income household. All of our friends have really good jobs and really nice houses and brand new cars and never seem to have to live within a budget. I feel so inadequate and a lot of the time feel like a failure. Like I'm a kid among a bunch of grown ups.
I have to continually repeat this verse to myself
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I hope that gives you the lift it continually gives me. :)
Sarah, I couldn't agree more!!! I'd love tea with you! You sum it up SO perfectly - like a kid among the grown-ups... I feel like that so much of the time. I think it will actually help to be able to identify that as what I am feeling.
ReplyDeleteJeremiah 29:11 is one of my favourite verses of all times. My mom got it framed for me and I have it on my wall. I think you will understand my feeling better than most - we both know that it's not the stuff that matters and that it's the people who judge us by what we have materially that have it wrong but it still hurts to feel lesser sometimes.
I'm so glad we are friends, even if it is mostly from a distance. Hugs!