We just had my inlaws here overnight. I love them, I really do but my MIL has the most amazing gift for getting me where I am sensitive. There has been a lot of tension in my husband's family for a long time (nothing to do with me) and I despite the frustrations and the fact that they can drive me crazy, I keep reminding myself that they are Pk's grandparents and that I don't want her to ask me when she is 25 why she didn't get a chance to know her family. I try to be really tolerant, loving and respectful of my MIL but she makes these little comments that probably aren't intended to hurt me (although at times, I do wonder...) but she manages to make me feel like dirt on the floor. I get so angry at myself for being upset and for being thin-skinned but I just can't seem to move past it.
They came on Tuesday evening after work. I rushed home from work, planning to clean so that the house would be spotless (it was fairly tidy but as all of you with two dogs and a toddler will understand, it can always use some help) and I wanted to do some baking so that I had wonderful food to serve them... Of course, I picked Pk up from daycare and she was feeling punky from a cold and fussy as anything. Dh is always well-intentioned but his cleaning tends to flow at about the pace of a glacier so I ended up in the position of cleaning and cooking with a screaming child in the Ergo carrier on my back (on another aside, there is NOTHING better than an Ergo and I wouldn't have survived the first year of motherhood without one!). By the time my inlaws arrived, I was covered in snot, frazzled and worrying about whether I needed to book off work the next day to stay home with a sick child (and, I might add, when Dh went to buy advil for Pk, he bought the wrong thing so I didn't even have anything to give her). What I needed was someone to come and pat me on the shoulder and tell me what a good job I was doing, not someone who quickly began to regale me with stories of how my perfect SIL was doing everything.
It didn't get better the next morning. There were cracks about the fact that I won't use her plastic microwave bags for cooking vegetables (sorry, plastic and microwaves are things I avoid), teasing of the fact that I won't use a teflon pan (if you can't have a bird in the room when you cook with it because of the toxic stuff it spews, do you REALLY think it is safe to use???) and then, it was all rounded off with a pointed question about what I was going to do to improve the yard this year (with a very pointed message that the property was a mess). Did you see my post about two weeks ago about all the weeding I had done??? No, the place isn't perfect but since I won't use chemicals on the place, I am working full-time and then trying to parent my child, weeding isn't the highest thing on my list of priorities.
I know I sound super pathetic and whiny here and that all of us go through these things with our MILs at some point. Just to set the record straight, as well, I am NOT a self-righteous person about the choices we make for our lifestyle. I don't go to my inlaws and refuse to eat the processed food or make faces when they cook with the non-stick pans. I don't say anything about the houses full of cleaning chemicals or offer advice. I say thank you for the food that is put in front of me and I try and be as positive and encouraging as possible (and I am not being self-righteous, I am just trying to convey the fact that I am not one of those self-righteous people who need a good knocking down). The frustrating part is that I am not angry at her, I am angry at myself. Why should I care that my yard isn't ready to be featured in Better Homes and Gardens? I know the things I am doing to try and make my home a place of calm and comfort even though I am working full-time. I know about the sleepless nights with a sick child, the hours working on stuff for the new church and the hours of homework (I am a teacher and it does have a lot to do after work). I know the things I am doing to try and make Pk's childhood one she remembers with joy and also the lessons I am trying to teach her for her future. Why does it matter so much when my MIL or my SIL make these little comments?
Well, actually, I know exactly why. This all plays into my own insecurities. I am afraid, deep down, that they are right, I am not good enough. I do worry that I am not a good mother, that I am not doing a good job managing all that I have on right now. I do worry that I am failing at the things I try so hard to do. I wish that I could just let the comments roll off me - I have friends who are wonderful, calm people who can allow themselves to be human and who do a really good job and accepting what they can do and can't and enjoy their lives. They don't get too upset at someone else's opinion, they are able to see it just as what it is. I would LOVE to learn how to do that.
I guess there is a lesson in this for me. I was talking to someone at work about it today and she and I laughed about the fact that 30 years from now, we will each be someone's MIL and, as likely as not, someone could be saying the same things about us. It is a good reminder to be careful of what I say. My opinions could easily be seen as criticism from someone else and that someone might be someone going through a rough time right now. My mother taught me a useful lesson that seems somewhat simplistic but I whole heartedly believe that it is a good way to operate - if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. I am not advocating allowing someone around you to make destructive choices or to do harm to themselves or others but frankly, an opinion is an opinion and unless it is requested, if it is unfavourable, keep it to yourself (or at least give some thought before expressing it).
And, if you have a comment about my hair going white, my weight, the dust on my light fixture, the weeds in my garden or what you feel I am doing wrong in my parenting, please KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
No one feels like they are doing enough or doing it well enough. Being a parent means scrambling to try and do 36 hours' work in 24, and no one can make that happen, no matter how good they manage to make it look on the outside. You? You do very well. I am, just so you know, amazed by how well you manage your house, so if your MIL has things to say, well, it seems kind of like the first review I ever got as a librarian, in which I was told they had to find something to say about improvement, so they pointed out that my desk was a mess. Really? That matters? Same here. Trust me, you are doing a fantastic job of it.
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