Update

Before I get into some more fun posts (I need some less intense stuff in my life right now), I thought I would just share an update on how we are doing.

The last few days have been very rocky.  Dh is just so depressed.  I think he has really gotten into a cycle of guilt and shame and feeling sorry for himself.  I am finding it so hard to understand - I want to tell him to go out and exercise or start a project or phone someone... all he wants to do is sleep.  He did help me with the garden yesterday afternoon, so that is something.

There are two good things that have come from this.  The first one is that he has finally asked for help and gone to some people who can.  Our minister took him to AA on Tuesday night.  I can't say enough about what our ministers have done for us.  We have a couple who are leading our church.  The husband took dh to AA the other night and has been checking in daily with dh.  The wife has reached out to me and also offered to come and be with me when dh went to AA the other night.  It's so wonderful to know that she is there for me.  There was a funny thing about the AA.  As an aside, my father is a minister who is not in a parish anymore - he is a pastoral psychotherapist.  He had to come and stay with us Tuesday night because he had to testify in court in a custody hearing on Wednesday morning so he was here through the drama of dh going to AA (dh was beside himself with worry about going).  At dinner on Tuesday night, dh was asking my dad about what AA is like (as my father said, there is no minister that hasn't taken a few parishoners to AA in his time) and dad's answer was that the fun was in seeing who was there (that is always full of surprises).  I had said that there was someone from my work who just might be there (a friend at work, whose husband is going through pretty much the same thing as dh, had told me about this guy who she somehow knew about).  Well, the hysterical thing was, it turns out that this person was the speaker on Tuesday night and gave dh his phone number and offered to help him.  Dh didn't know who he was as first and didn't say anything and I certainly won't say anything to violate his privacy but I thought it was pretty funny.  It's a bit of an inspiration to me actually because this guy is almost the same age as dh, suffered from depression, is married with children and has come through it with his marriage in tact.

The other "good" side of all of this is that I am really starting to realise how many people there are out there supporting me.  I feel so stupid for being afraid to talk about things.  First of all, you guys have been wonderfully supportive.  Knowing that you are praying for me and there to listen means more than you will know.  I have told a couple of friends at work who have really come out for me, and as I said, my minister and his wife and really there for me now in ways that I would never have imagined.  I went in and told my boss yesterday, just because I do feel like I am struggling and wanted to take a day or two off, just to try and centre myself a bit and take care of me - she was amazing, really encouraging me to do what I need to do for me (and I got a few wonderful compliments about how I am doing at work, too, which was a nice ego boost).  I may be in a pretty awful place right now but it is so wonderful to know that I am not alone.

Thanks again everyone for listening.  I write these posts about what is going on and I feel like such a whiner that I think that people won't want to listen or will pity me.  I have been so surprised that people don't seem to blame or pity me, they just want to help.   I feel so much gratitude.