Update

As I said below, it has been a very hard week.  I am feeling a bit like the bottom has fallen out of my world.  I am sorry if I haven't emailed anyone back personally.  Dh is really touchy right now and I don't know how he feels about me talking about this with people so it's easier to do it here - he doesn't read this.

I adore him and he is my best friend but right now, he is an absolute jerk.  I can't do anything right.  He hears criticism in everything and flies off the handle over everything.  Last Sunday morning, as you read in my blog, I was feeling upset.  He got up, I was quiet and he decided that it was somehow his fault.  Next thing I knew, he was yelling and angry and at me for ruining his life.  It got so bad that I finally called his parents because I didn't know what else to do.  I took Pk out for a drive and by the time we got back, Dh had calmed down.  As it has been of late, by that point, he went back and forth between everything being my fault and that he is totally to blame, I am the best wife and he has made a mess of things.  Amazingly, as we were talking, his father arrived who had driven 2 and a half hours to get here.  That was such a blessing.  His father talked to him a LONG time and by supper time, he was calm and discussing being depressed and what he was going to do about it.  His father stayed Sunday night and my dad came up Monday because he was up here for court (he needed to testify for a client), so Dh again was fairly calm.

The same thing happened on Tuesday.  We were working on the raised veggie bed.  We had agreed how we were going to do it and I thought we were on the same page.  Here's the conversation:

Me:  Hey, love, that's pretty high.  I though we were just going to raise it by one brick.  I am a bit worried that we won't have enough soil and we can't get more this year.

Dh:  But it needs to be level.

Me:  Could we level it with two bricks instead of one?  I am worried there isn't enough soil.  Is there a reason it needs to be higher?

Dh:  Yes,  the wood will warp if it is lower.

Me:  O.k., you know more about wood than me.  I guess if the bed is a bit short on soil, we can add more next year.

We worked for about five minutes and then he started pulling it all apart.  I asked what he was doing and he laid into me, we had to do it MY way since I always had to be right and he had to be wrong.  He was sick and tired and me and my criticising... it went on and on and on.  The only thing I said that maybe I shouldn't was that I wasn't up to being yelled at anymore.  He just kept winding up and then I made the mistake of saying that I didn't want to do this in front of our daughter.  He decided that I had said my daughter and he yelled at me and took off for three hours.  I was beside myself.  By the time he came back, he was calmer and told me that he had gone up to the church and talked to Bob, a kind of mentor to Dh who went through a terrible depression three years ago.  He just kept going on to me about how Bob had talked about how his wife had never understood and we women can't understand how hard it is for men...  I felt like I never wanted to go back to church since he was obviously running me down.

The next couple of days were hard.  I was on pins and needles, afraid that anything I said might be conveyed as criticism.  I tried to get in touch with our doctor who took three days to get back to me and by the time she did, Dh was no longer willing to go and see her (he has an appointment with a psychiatrist on June 11th and is now saying that he won't take any medication until July because he doesn't want to "feel funny" at work).  I had hoped that our doctor might be able to help us but she doesn't seem to either be taking me very seriously or doesn't know what to do.

The one relief came when I went up to the church to help set up the nursery on Thursday night.  I got out of the car and immediate met Bob, who said, "Honey, you need the tightest hug!"  He second statement was, "That hubby of yours needs some tough love.  We are here for you sweetie".  He went on to tell me about his experiences and then gave me his take of Dh right now.  He thinks that he has finally come to the point that he will admit to being depressed but whatever he might say, Dh does NOT want to do the work he will need to do to get over this and so is blaming me because I am asking his to take responsibility.  I felt such a weight off my shoulders.  I have been asking everyone who knows us whether they think I am critical - I had really been doubting myself and thinking that maybe I had somehow caused all of this.  Everyone, my parents, Dh's parents, our ministers, Bob, they all say that he is obviously not well and is blaming me.  Everyone just keeps saying try to stay out of his way until he starts to get better, not easy to do when living in the same house.

Say a prayer for me, please.  I really don't know how much more I can take and it will be a miracle if I come out of this without being massively depressed myself.  I love him and want this marriage but I am so worried about the toll on our relationship and on Pk.