Everything just seems so overwhelming right now and I don't see any relief in sight. I am trying so hard to lean on my faith but things are pretty dry at the moment. I keep praying to God to send me some relief, to make something easier, to give me some hint that things are going to get better but I just can't find any joy right now. Dh is a little better, I think, but I can't help but wonder all the time. It is going to take me a very, very long time to truly trust him again. On Friday, I got some bloodwork results back from my doctor and while most things are fine, my platelets are a little high. She doesn't think it means anything (I have been a bit high since I had Pk and it may just be related to delivery but at this point, they don't know what it means). She has referred me to a hematologist (she says to make sure that it won't interfere with my ability to get pregnant) but I am so afraid that this means something worse. Of course, I got this via email on Friday (I had asked her to email so that I didn't come home to an answering machine message telling me to call, which would have scared me even more) and I can't even ask her any of the questions I have until Tuesday at the earliest. I also know this morning that I am not pregnant yet again. We are seeing the head of obstetrics at the local hospital in the middle of July and while on the one hand, it is a bit of a relief to think that maybe we are doing something about things now (after months of Dh being in complete denial and my doctor just saying, "Wait, it takes a while to get pregnant") but I am also terrified.
To be honest, deep down, I think I am also so very angry. Angry that Dh has put me through all this with the depression, angry that his "fixing himself" essentially means that he can continue to do very little around here to help (perhaps part of the reason that I am having a hard time this morning is the fact that Pk has been up since before 6 and I was up with her, on my own, again - he has only gotten up with her maybe three times in the last year and he usually gets at least 2 hours more of sleep than I do) and angry that I will be the one who will go through all the invasive tests and humiliation. I feel like all the burden has fallen on me and I am at the point where it is so hard not to fall completely into the trap of being resentful and bitter. Then, that is compounded by guilt because he is going through all this stuff and I am supposed to be his support and I have so much resentment.
A friend who is going through some horrible stuff right now told me that she felt like a pane of glass that had been hit by a rock - it hadn't shattered but was filled with little hairline cracks and she was afraid that she was like that pane of glass - if something so much as brushed up against her, she would shatter into a million pieces. That describes it so well. I don't know how to get through the next five minutes, let alone the next five days or five weeks. I know that I have so much in my life, such wonderful friends, a comfortable place to live, a good job, etc but I feel so empty. I would give almost anything to just be able to go away and hide. I just want things to be easy and to get a break and this feels so much like my year of Job - while I certainly can't compare my suffering to his, I feel like every possible thing that can go wrong has and that I can't get any relief.
I am so sorry for this, I imagine, if you hung in there and read this entire thing, you are thinking what a sad, pathetic, bitter and angry person I am and, yup, that's pretty much how I feel these days. If you have any advice, I would love to hear it. I am so discouraged and don't know how to get out of this pit.
Awww...praying for you. I'm not good with advice, but one thing that has helped when I've had issues with my husband (nothing as major as what you're going through, so if it sounds too simple I appologize) is to remember that he is a Christian, so Christ lives in Him. So when I can't trust my husband's actions, I can still trust Christ in Him. Somewhere in there, under all the junk you are going through, is Christ. When you are lost, scared, and alone, cling to that.
ReplyDeleteOf course you are resentful. You are human, and carrying not only most of the load of your home and child, but also the worry and stress of your husband's load. Add to that the stress of trying to get pregnant, which is huge for people without the other things to worry about, and it is more than one person can carry with grace, no matter who you are.
ReplyDeleteI think it is common to be unthrilled about being the one to undergo lots of testing re fertility, too - my hairdresser went through a lot of it and was really not happy about it. I wonder, though, how much stress has to do with it, or perhaps on his end, if his depression is affecting him physically. I know you want your children close together, but this might be much affected by the other things, and while it's not my place to tell you what to do, I do wonder if not concentrating on it for a short bit while you try to work on the other things might help you, and maybe even your physical state? Stress just affects everything, is what I'm thinking.
I would also add that if you want me to come up for a night to help some time, if you want to come and take a day down here with me some time where you can vent or ignore it, anything like that that might help relieve a touch of your stress for a day or two, you name it. It's okay to ask for help, I have certainly leaned on you before and would be happy to be able to return some of that support. You are going to need your own support and looking after if you are going to be able to give any to him - you are not boundless, not matter how strong you might be.
Hey there Sarah...Sorry to hear things are still rough for you. I'm sure some days are better than others.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever get a copy of Power of a Praying Wife? If not, I would love to send you a copy. Let me know....(I guess I'll need your address, too).
you can email me... fiddlejill@yahoo.com
Thanks so much, Jill. I went out and bought a copy the day after you suggested it to me and it has been terrific. Your suggestion was brilliant!
ReplyDeleteLike Kittenpie said, of COURSE you feel angry and resentful and then guilty for feeling that way! You're having to shoulder so much right now. And it's not your fault, or his fault, that he's depressed, but it doesn't make life easy. Add parenting, and a job, and the stresses of infertility - it's amazing your head just doesn't pop right off!
ReplyDeleteIf you can, and try, really try, take some time for yourself. Think of yourself as a glass of water - you can only pour out so much of yourself for others without needing to refill and replentish yourself! Right now, you're doing a lot of "pouring," so don't forget that you need to "refill," too.