Gratitude 13

Today,  I decided to sort through the clothing that Pk has outgrown.  I had it packed away but I needed to do some more sorting.  The first thing that hit me was the fact that just short of two years ago, she was wearing all of those little sleepers and I was trying to figure out which way was up.  It was all so exciting and overwhelming and I knew so little about this little person.  It is so hard to remember a time when she wasn't at the centre of my world.

I have to admit, the second thought was sadness.  I had assumed that we would be well on our way to welcoming another family member by now.  I won't lie, that has been such a heartbreak for me.  There is nothing to say that it won't happen and given how things have been of late, I can see that yet again, God knew better than me - I can't imagine adding a new baby into the chaos of things here right now.  I am trying to look at this as God giving us an opportunity to strengthen our family so that we can better prepare ourselves so that if it does happen again, we will be better prepared and will make a smoother adjustment (and, if and when there is another, pray for me that the child will be a better sleeper than Pk was!).  Dh sees the urologist in a couple of weeks so we should know more, although, given what we know now, I am not sure that there will be any immediate answers.  We discovered when we saw an ob/gyn at the beginning of July that since I was nursing until January, they wouldn't perform any kind of assistive stuff until next January anyway (that would make it a year), so at least it gives us time to "normalize" and get to the bottom of things so we can make our decisions with a clearer understanding of our issues.  Our doctor has done a referral to one of the top specialist in Canada but I suspect it won't be before next summer before we will get in to see him.

On the plus side, however, there was so much to be grateful for when I was looking at those clothes.  I feel so blessed to have this little one in my life.  I always assumed that I would love my child but I had no idea of the depth of that love or how it would somehow help me to understand the meaning of my life.  I feel complete and, while she can drive me crazy, there is not a day that goes by that there aren't moments that take my breath away, whether it is looking at that little face as she sleeps, watching her figure out her world, sharing a joke or a story or witnessing her wonder at the things that I would otherwise have missed.  She has enriched my life so much.

The other thing that really struck me was how much kindness and support I have encountered since I had her.  It is not that it wasn't there before but there is a new bond that has emerged with other mothers and with friends who have taken her into their hearts as well.  There are the lovely dresses (and the pyjamas from Old Navy that helped to improve sleep - who knew that she hated having her feet covered at night???) that kittenpie shared with us from her wonderful stash.  There were the many sleepers and the little things that I had no idea that I needed that came from V, a wonderful, kind and generous woman from church who just showed up at my door a month before Pk was born with a huge box and a supportive smile (I had so much fun washing and folding all of those little pieces when they first arrived).  There were all of the wonderful things that F, a dear friend in England, sent just to spoil little Pk.  (If I won the lottery tomorrow, which won't happen since I don't play but I do dream!, once I had paid off our debts and given lots away to causes important to my heart, I would have to hop on a plane to England to shop for children's clothing - there is nothing here as lovely as the things that F sent and there were the softest little cotton t's from Marks and Spencer that I wish came in adult sizes).   There were the wonderful little pink outfits from W, a friend like a sister who has only boys and needed to express that need for pink once in a while (and who also introduced us to "squeaky shoes").  Motherhood has shown me the worst in other women (the critical heart of so many, the competitiveness, the need to beat someone else up when they are down to feel superior) but it has also shown me the best (the compassion, the understanding, the empathy and the love).  

I wouldn't trade this stage of my life for anything - although I would still like to see her sleep a bit more and in her own bed!