It was not a good morning. Pk has been in bed with us since this whole thing blew up. I don't mind, actually, I like having her close but the downside is that she now senses the moment I start to even think about getting up and she gets up with me. I like to do my Bible study and check out Google Reader before I have to start my day and when I don't get to do that, I feel pretty out of sorts. This morning, as has become the pattern, she got up early (even though we had her up for about an hour last night late with what I think was a bad dream), refused to eat any breakfast and fed it to the dogs. Dh slept in so I was up on my own without a break (again - he has only gotten up with her about 8 times in her life and while I try not to get bitter and resentful, that is the one thing that I really fight with myself about). I was on snack for VBS this morning. Each snack is related to the theme of the day and today's theme had something to do with scrolls. My job was to take 30 flour tortillas, wrap them up, tie them with a piece of licorice string and then have salsa and cheese dip. I did all of this last night and had them arranged in a bit basket with red cloth napkins - it looked great. We got ready to leave in the car to take them up to the church, I grabbed the basket, took one more look and all of the licorice had fallen apart in the night. Why does licorice fall apart???? I thought that it getting stale would be the only thing that might happen. I grabbed more licorice (thank goodness there was more left) and then it was time to get on Pk's shoes. I bought her new slippers yesterday (something I am now hugely regretting). She doesn't want to wear anything else and when I started to take them off, she had a huge tantrum. At the moment, she thinks that hitting and pinching me is a good way to show me her displeasure. I have been pretty good about handling it firmly so far - I personally choose not to spank (in a case like this, I feel pretty strongly that showing her that getting angry and physically lashing out is wrong by spanking in anger would be pretty hypocritical) and I find that speaking firmly and getting up and walking away and leaving her alone usually gets the message across quickly. My fuse was short this morning and I have been feeling pretty invisible around here of late and the hitting and pinching felt really personal. I didn't hit her but I got really angry and I think I scared her a bit. I just lifted her up, turned her around so she was facing me and roared (you know, the mommy/teacher roar - it's not a volume thing, it's a tone of voice thing) and I scared her which made me feel even worse. I drove up to the church in tears. I think, quite frankly, that I am really feeling the fallout of the last few weeks... I am so tired and overwhelmed and at times, just so sad and discouraged. Anyway, I didn't know how I was going to cope.
The rest of the day was just a normal day, cleaning the house, cooking, taking her to swimming lessons but just the bit of having things be normal made me feel so much better. My fuse is short and I get overwhelmed so easily but the feeling passes and the sun can come out again.
Honestly, don't be upset with yourself for losing it with her. I know, it's easy to say but not to feel, but we all do it at times, and when it is something they need to know you are getting really upset about, it gets the message across without harm. that exactly what that voice is for, love.
ReplyDeleteand you might find it curious that my word ver is "grace." No kidding.
Lordy, they can really get under our skins, can't they? Been there, done that - it's so frustrating, especially since they're so little, and non-logical, but still crazy-making! Wishing you a better day tomorrow.
ReplyDelete(And what was up with that licorice! Talk about frustrating!!!)
I keep repeating in my head,,'don't parent in guilt, don't parent in guilt'....We need to teach our children healthy boundaries, obedience (in love),learning to play on their own without Mommy always being the 'play toy', AND that mommy needs some time to herself.
ReplyDeleteAs for losing it, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on..DON'T keep replaying it over your head (I say this because this is what I've been known to do)...
I've read and also started to do it when mine were younger, my children were not allowed out of their rooms until Mommy said it was time. They could read, play or go back to sleep..I know yours is still too young, but by the time she is 2, there is nothing wrong with her staying in her room for a bit so you can have your quiet time....
Isn't it awesome that we can come here and juts pour out our hearts? Like my blog says about me,,the good, the bad and the ulgy...((hugs))
Your beautiful sis....know your prayed for.