Happy Birthday, Pk

Today is Pk's second birthday. I cannot believe that she is that age already. It fills me with so much fear - I love her so fiercely and it scares me that we are moving away from this wonderful time together.

On Oprah a while ago (quite a while ago, I haven't watched her in years), I saw a feature about a woman who died of cancer and in the months leading up to her death, she worked on a series of videos for her daughter, teaching her about all the things that she would need to know and that her mother wouldn't be able to teach her. That inspired me and it has been in the back of my mind for a long time that I wanted to create some kind of legacy for Pk that if something ever happened to me, she would KNOW that she was loved by her mother. Yes, I am being totally maudlin here but her being left alone and not knowing how much I adored her is my greatest fear. My plan, if I can stay on top of it, is to write her a letter every so often and to put the letters into a collection. If all goes well, I can give her the letters when she is 18 (or when she is a teenager and I need to remind BOTH of us that I love her). This morning, I wrote her first letter. It probably doesn't sound anywhere near as powerful to anyone else as it does to me but as I sit here typing, the tears are streaming down my face. Yes, I am maudlin and I don't apologize. Here is letter number 1.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear P. K.,

Today is your second birthday. How can you be two already? I feel like the time is flying by and I want to savour every moment. I don’t want my girl to grow up too quickly.

I am writing because I want you to know just how much I love you. My greatest fear is that something would happen to me and that you might grow up not knowing just how much your mother loved you. I am going to try and write letters every so often and then I will put them away. I don’t know that my letters will ever be able to convey the depth of my feeling but maybe as a collection, if I am ever not around to tell you how much I love you, these letters will help you to know that you are cherished and adored by your mother.

At this stage of your life, there are so many things that you do to bring intense joy to those around you. Every night, as you get out of the bath, you and I have what you call our “tuggle tuggle” (it started out as a “towel cuddle”). I wrap you up in two towels and we hug and hold onto each other. It makes for a very beautiful moment. You fill up my arms so perfectly and as you hug me, I always think that I have discovered what life is all about. I live in fear of the day when you don’t want to hug anymore.

I love the way that you giggle that laugh that Grandma N. calls your “dirty laugh.” It rocks your entire body. Being kissed by a dog, playing Ring around a Rosy, being tickled under your arms and being dropped onto our bed all can bring on that laugh. You live life so fully - there is no half-way with you, you do everything to its fullest. You provide me daily with lessons on how to face life and reap all of its benefits.

We sing songs together. At the moment, your favourites are Jesus Loves Me, Our Time (from Kindermusik), Head and Shoulders, Twinkle Twinkle, The Itsy Bitsy Spider and Rock On, Larry Boy. Each night as you drift off to sleep, I sing Jesus Loves Me, Amazing Grade, The Lord is My Shepherd and The Aaronic Blessing to you, just like my mother did with me. I still have these songs in my heart from my childhood and I treasure every moment in that quiet time with you.

I have so many wishes for your life. I want you to be able to truly appreciate that you are God’s child and to revel in the marvel that he created you to be who you are. I hope you can live with joy and confidence and that you never feel the need to apologize for the way that you are. I dream that you will know what you want to do and that you will have the strength, the wisdom and the commitment to achieve your goals. I want you be surrounded by people who love you as much as I do and I want you to bring the joy to others that you bring to me. I want you to love God with all your heart and to desire to shine as Hss light in the world.

Your birthday comes at a bittersweet time for me. I don’t want the new school year to start. It means being away from you. It is my greatest desire to make sure that I create moments every day that we can treasure and so that you always know that I love you fiercely, tenderly and enduringly. You are my special girl and whatever happens in our lives, I will love you more than you can ever know.

Happy birthday, little girl.
Love,
Mummy